A Saul turned Paul

"Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief.  The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.  Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

I Timothy 1:13-17

This is one of my favorite passages ever.  I want to be like Paul... and never get over the fact that God wanted me just where I was, a murderous Saul... at my worst.  And now I am a trophy of His grace, loved by Him and used by Him.  It's really too much to take in sometimes.

Back from the Beach

Well, we almost didn't make it, but Susannah's fever broke last Monday morning. So, I decided to make the 11 hour trek to the Outer Banks. Boy, am I glad we did. It wasn't a peach getting there with three tiny kids in the car (drove up with my SIL and 18 month old nephew), but once we got there, we knew it was well worth the fussing, whining, and complaining we endured on the way up. :)

We stayed in Corolla, one of the northernmost beaches, and it is a gorgeous, peaceful place. We were able to enjoy a vacation like this only because of the generosity of some distant family members who allowed us to rent their beach house for a small fraction of the normal rate. It was a fabulous, beautiful home right on the beach with 6 bedrooms, 6.5 baths, a beautiful open kitchen and living area... a game room, a tv room, laundry room, a wrap around porch/balcony on each level, a pool, and a hot tub. Never would we be able to enjoy anything like it had we booked a regular vacation.

We joined three of David's siblings and their families, as well as David's mother.  Unfortunately, David, his dad, two of his brothers, and his oldest sister (and her family) could not make it.  We still had a full house.  The children had a glorious time playing with cousins and just being little children.  It is such a wonderful feeling to watch your children just be... well, children.  All the giggles, buckets of sand, sea shell hunts, pretending to be lions and tigers, making forts behind draperies, and chewing saltwater taffy was such a joy to my heart as a mother.  The Farrs tend to get grandchildren in two's, so it worked out well for each of the children to have a playmate within a few months of their own age.  We couldn't have planned that any better.  We are truly blessed.

One of the neatest things for me was to see Susannah blossom when given the opportunity to play with another girl her age.  Susannah is kind of the "odd man out" often because she has very few friends her age who are girls.  That was one reason we were considering school this year, but there were several other deal breakers that kept us from sending her.  Susannah's cousin Jane is just two weeks younger, and very similar in the way she expresses herself.  Needless to say, they were a breath of fresh air to one another, and we parents were treated to some very funny dialogues between the two.  Susannah came to me on our last full day at the beach and said, "Mommy, now I know that it has been raining and is slightly cold outside, but Jane and I have been discussing this, and we have decided to swim in the pool after rest time."  During a moment of playing behind the drapes with their 3 year old cousin Wyatt, I overheard Jane say, "Wyatt, you can't come in! This is Fort McHenry and you are British! We must defend ourselves against your attack!" Yes, they are four... going on 30.  It made me sad for them to have to part ways.  Jane lives in Maryland, and we are in South Carolina.  They won't be able to see one another again until Christmas. 

We did have some clouds and rain, and it was cooler than I anticipated, but it was still a great escape. We moms spent our share of time in the hot tub once the kids were in bed each night, and I took lots of walks on the beach. 

The ocean has a way of making one feel very aware of who God is.  As I stood there before it on our last evening, it overwhelmed me to think that I can commune with the God who spoke the sea into existence.  "... And God saw that it was good."  Yes. Good, indeed.  The Bible tells us several times in both the Old and New Testaments that the voice of the Lord is like "the roaring of rushing waters".   Something overwhelming and wonderful to imagine as the waves crashed in and receded in front of me.  Yes, it was a good week.  A week of calm, a week of rest, a week of fun and laughter, and a week of sweet moments with God.  The only thing that could have possibly improved it would have been David's presence. :)

Stress and blessings...

Things here in the Farr home are a bit stressful right now. Susannah is battling a really bad virus that is very similar to the flu (flu test was negative today), so she can't do much except lay on the couch, sleep, or stare into episodes of Max and Ruby, Dora, Peep, Little Bill, Curious George, Clifford, Sid the Science Kid... Ugh. I'm reeeeeaaaaaally tired of the TV. We did read quite a few books today, as well, but there is just something about being a kid and having a sick day, where you can watch more TV in that day than the rest of the month combined. :)

David is on his umpteenth straight day of work (more like 14th), and he will still not have a day off until September 20th. He is on vascular surgery right now and working 16 hour days - when he is not on call. If he is on call, he works a 30 hour shift. I feel so bad for him. He leaves for work at 3:30 every morning, and once he gets home around 8:00 or so in the evening, he eats a few bites, takes a shower, and gets into bed. He misses spending time with the girls and me and just plain sitting on the couch for a few minutes to check in on his football team and watch a sitcom or two.

I am supposed to take the girls to the Outer Banks on Sunday morning to meet up with a big group of family. It will be a major drive for us (around 11 hours), and I have not packed one single thing yet. My washer and dryer are working full time as I type. However, now that Susannah is so sick, I don't know how things will play out. I certainly can't take our germs to the OBX to share with everybody there. It wouldn't be a big deal except that my SIL and I decided to ride together with our kids since neither one of our husbands can get away from work responsibilities to go with us. We felt better about the drive that way. We discussed it tonight, and if Susannah's fever hasn't broken by tomorrow afternoon or if Caroline or I get sick, then we will not be going. I won't have a choice, and my SIL refuses to make the long trip by herself. I feel bad. I don't want to throw a wrench in the plans we have been making all these weeks. Plus, the kids are looking forward sooooo much to the beach. My girls have never experienced the beach. I don't know why we have to drive 11 hours to do it when we live 4 hours from the South Carolina coast, but whatever. :)

On top of that, I have a silly hair bow order to fill before I can leave for vacation. It wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that it is impossible to embroider and sew when your kids are sick and your house is already falling down around you. :) Making hair bows is pretty much the last thing I need to be doing right now. It is also the last thing I want to be doing, which brings me to something positive...

I am really, REALLY excited to be closing down my sewing business. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I'm not going to stop sewing. I'm just going to start sewing for my own kids instead of everybody else's. :) Now that I have two little ones, things have reached the point where, unless I put the girls in someone else's care part time, I do not have enough hours in the week to fill orders. At least, not enough hours to fill enough orders to make it worth the time. I just really don't want anyone else to watch my kids. I want to be doing the fun stuff with them and lovin' on them. :) So now, when I DO get a few minutes to myself at night, I can create fun things for them and enjoy the fruit of my labor in my own home. It feels good to have made the decision, and I really feel like a weight has been lifted.

You know, even as I type these things that are weighing on me, I feel more and more content in my chaos. I live a very blessed life. A privileged life. I have a husband that loves me and works really hard for his family in a job where he gets to help people every day and make a difference. I have two beautiful, healthy children with whom I get to spend each and every day. When Susannah woke up sick this morning, I didn't have to call anyone and get permission to stay home to be with her. I didn't have to feel guilty about it or worry that anyone would be frustrated with me. I could take her to the doctor without a second thought because we have great insurance and I could pay the copay. I could come home and throw laundry in my own washing machine. I could load the dishes from dinner into a dishwasher instead of standing in front of the sink for 45 minutes breaking my back. And now I can go get into a comfortable bed with fluffy covers in an air conditioned room... :)

You know, there was a time in my life when I could not have counted any of those blessings. They weren't there. I would say that even on a bad day, I have more to be thankful for than I can list out loud. Sometimes, just taking a minute to say those things out loud can bring a lot of clarity to the days when I feel overwhelmed. I don't know why God would be so good to me. I don't ever want to get over it.

"Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done; and Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered." Psalm 40:5

Troubling Information...

I have about a bazillion things running through my head right now... all the time, actually. Tonight, as a wife, I'm secure... content. As a mom, I'm in love with every wisp of hair and tiny toe. As a daughter, I'm frustrated. As a sister, I'm excited. As a friend, I'm heavy-hearted. As a woman who has relinquished a child, I'm defeated and angry.

I'm gonna elaborate on the latter for now.

I did something completely spur of the moment and very strange for me. I lurked around Ellen's bio dad's profile page on a social networking site. Now before you go scolding me, let me clarify that I have ZERO emotional connection to him. I have no feelings for him, no desire to see him or talk to him. I was just wondering if he is still living in the town I live in. (Kind of having something to do with the update I am trying to write to Ellen's family. But that's for another post.)

To my surprise, he was on the friend list of one of MY friends. The bigger surprise was that his profile is completely public. I then made the second bad decision to help myself to a peek at all the photos he has posted. Honestly, I was simply curious after not seeing him for about 12 years. Then the bomb dropped.

He fathered another child, a beautiful little girl, who appears to be a few years younger than Ellen. Mind you, he is not dating or married to the girl's mother... This was apparently another situation sadly similar to mine... Someone quite a bit younger than he is. The way that I know she is his daughter is based upon the comments on the photos. I had heard rumors years ago that he had "done it again" to someone else, but I just couldn't go there in my head at the time. I brushed it aside as being gossip and nothing more.

And now I have this information that has sent me into a very weird place emotionally. How DARE he do this to someone else? How DARE he carelessly father yet another precious child that he refuses to man-up for? Ellen has another half-sister, and so does this girl, although I would bet money that she has no idea that Ellen exists.

I'm just angry and so very sad. There is so much I want to say to convey to you why, aside from the obvious, this is so maddening. This was no low-life 17-year-old boy from my high school. This was a grown man, eleven years my senior, who was and STILL IS on staff at his church. He carelessly throws around talk of God (Whom he very irreverently refers to as "Papa"), the Holy Spirit, and all sorts of other insincere garbage... all the while living a life that completely contradicts all of those empty words. He grew up in a very privileged situation, and although he has not succeeded in accomplishing anything noteworthy himself, continues to behave as an entitled brat with no regard for the consequences of his actions. He hasn't changed in 14+ years.

I talked to David about it a couple nights ago. I hated to bring it up to him, but number one, I was basically falling apart inside while trying to act like nothing was wrong, and number two, I needed to come clean on what in the world was causing my emotional instability. Of course, things are always strained when I talk with David about adoption stuff. But he tried to be of help. I just kept asking, "Who behaves like that???" His response, "Why do you seem so surprised, Jenni? What do you expect from someone who would basically prey upon a young girl, give her alcohol, take advantage of her, and then abandon her when she becomes pregnant? What did you think you would find?"

You know, honestly, perhaps I was naive. I truly wanted to believe that I might find a totally different person now than he was then. Afterall, I am a totally different person. Look at how blessed I am! Look at how kind the Lord has been toward me! I am a trophy of His mercy and grace. And God has been just as good to others. Why not Ellen's bio dad, as well? I am disappointed in what I found. Very, very disappointed. Sad. Sad for him that he couldn't have made more progress as a human being in the last 14 years. Sad for Ellen that her bio dad is such a loser. Sad for the woman and the little girl in the pictures. Sad that this is the world we live in, where precious children have to experience disappointment and loss.

I have a lot more thinking to do about all of this. It was a very unexpected and strange mix of relief and anger. I am not sure how to adequately verbalize it. It was like there was relief there that my beloved daughter does not have to experience the disappointment of that on a regular basis... Relief that I ended up with someone as unbelievable as David instead of the alternative. Anger towards so much that I have no control over.

I'm glad my profile is private. I'm glad that a search for the name he knows me as would not produce any results. I'm not glad that I have this information. I just don't know what to do with it. Can't fully wrap my brain around it. It hurts. It sickens me. And yet, two days ago was perhaps the first time in YEARS that I had a split second of being thankful that Ellen was far away at that moment... Far away from the knowledge of something so unfair to her. That really was supposed to be part of it... my decision, that is. She was supposed to be protected.

I won't have anymore hair left...

... If I keep pulling it out every time someone uses the phrase "our birthmother" or "the birthmother is due on..." or "the birthmother changed her mind and decided to keep the baby..."

It strips my dignity away every time I hear it used that way. Every time.

I'm not a fan of the term "birthmother" itself, but it is not necessarily offensive to me when used in certain circumstances. I understand why those who use it do, and I have no hard feelings. I firmly believe that each adoption relationship is unique, and we have to allow for that. We have to acknowledge that our experience may not be someone else's. Plain and simple. But there are some things that are applicable to any and all DIA situations.

A woman is not a birthmother when she is pregnant and expecting her child. She is not a birthmother even if she has been matched with a waiting family. She is not a birthmother when she has been considering relinquishment and then decides against that after the birth of her child. And she does not belong to a family. She belongs to her child in a special bond, and they to her...

I can understand the endearment of saying "Ellen's birth mother sent her a letter..." It connects the mother to the child and vice versa. But please don't use the phrase "our birthmother" nomatter how sweet or loving you think it is. I am not a service provider such as "our attorney" or "our doctor" or "our accountant" or "our mechanic". Please do not reduce me to that. I am saying this in gentleness and kindness, not anger. I'm really pleading with you. Please do not do this to me or any other woman. It is not a PC issue, it is an issue of treating another human being with respect and consideration.

If you are speaking of a woman with whom you have been matched in an adoption situation, why not just refer to her by her first name? Or in anonimity, by her first initial? Because, honestly, first and foremost, she is a PERSON. Using the term birthmother prior to a woman relinquishing her rights is not the same as saying "my sister" or "my friend" or "my roommate". Those people are defined in your life by those terms because they are ALREADY those things in your life. They are already in that role. But a woman who is considering relinquishment is just that - considering it. She does not belong to you, her unborn baby is not yours just waiting to be born, and she is still a mother expecting a baby - her baby.

This is really not an example of me being overly sensitive. If you have ever had another person demean you or speak down to you or make you feel like less of a person, then perhaps you will understand. I will go as far as to say this is a human rights issue... a woman's issue. Yes, I said that... and if you know me, you know I am NOT a women's lib advocate! :)

I hope this will be received in the manner in which it is intended. I think families and women who have relinquished have the right to define what terms they will use in their adoption relationships once those relationships are formed by the transferrence of the child from one family to another. Oh, how that breaks my heart to type that... tranferring a child from one family to another... But this is our reality, right? ... The world we live in.

Blessings to all my friends out there who are mothers to beautiful, priceless children through adoption. Chances are if you are reading my blog, you are not using that phrase in the first place. Pass on your wisdom!!!! :)

Sigh...

My heart is really heavy tonight. Not really for myself... I am just thinking of how crazy and messed up this world is and wanting so much more for some friends who are going through a world of hurt right now. I have so much I want to say to them, and yet I feel like I need to limit my words in order to be respectful of their grief. I do know what it is like to grieve.

I guess what I want these two friends to know (two friends who do not even know each other and whose burdens are so very different) is simply this... That God is a compassionate God. That He owns you and loves you even if you are rejecting Him right now. That if you belong to Him, He will chase you to the ends of the earth and will have you as His child. He has known since before the beginning of time that all of this would happen, and there is nothing about you that can make Him not love you. Just come to Him and experience the peace of resting in His love for you.

Living in the fear of the Lord

What does that mean, exactly? Does it mean that we are to cower before an angry God who is going to squash us at any moment if we misstep? Nope. :)

This is a subject of utmost significance in how I came to Christ, and it is something that just this last Sunday, I had a awesome, much needed reminder on.

I haven't shared my testimony here yet, because I have been so focused on other things that popped up unexpectedly. I'm not going to go into the whole story in this post, because I'd like to meditate on it more before sharing it here. But I do want to say that the moment that I came to Christ was the first moment that I had ever realized that my problem was that I did not have a right understanding of the FEAR OF GOD. Even growing up in a home with believing parents, I had never, ever acknowledged the authority of God in my life or who I was in relation to who He is. When it finally happened for me, I cannot tell you the HUGE, HUGE burden that fell off. I mean, it really was like a Pilgrim's Progress moment where Christian's burden falls from his shoulders at the cross and rolls down the hill. I hate to be cheesy, so bear with me. :)

That was the moment that changed me forever, because I finally knew how to change my life. It wouldn't be me; it would be God, in conjunction with the finished work of His Son, and the constant help of His Holy Spirit that would make me a different person. I love this quote from one of my pastors, Dr. Sinclair Ferguson...

"What is it that makes this gospel of salvation so glorious? It is rooted in the power of the Trinity. The Holy Spirit comes and arrests our hearts as if to say we are reserved for the Father. The Spirit leads us to Christ, through whom we have redemption and communion with the Father. My salvation is even more vast than I can explain through the death of Christ, for the Trinity worked together in perfect engagement for the capture of my soul."

So having that realization was one of the biggest moments of my life. Like I said, I will write more about it later because I have never been the same since then, but I really want to focus on WHAT it means to me to LIVE in the fear of God...

Psalm 139 sometimes has the curse of familiarity because those who are pro-life love to focus on verses 13-16. Those verses are precious to me too, but not necessarily because I believe abortion is wrong. That is a totally separate issue to me from what the real context of the chapter is. Let's read it, even if you have read it a thousand times...

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

This speaks to me of the fact that nothing can separate me from God's presence. There is nowhere I can go, in body or mind where He cannot be found. His knowledge of me is not passive. It is discriminating in that before I even think a thought He knows is, understands it, interprets the meaning of it and the motive behind it. He is NOT just a spectator. He never "finds anything out". He knows all things as they are - immediately. How do I even begin to comprehend that?

While the Bible identifies many things that we are NOT to fear, it spells out in no uncertain terms that we are to fear God. It tells us that to fear Him is the beginning of wisdom. It is our duty and comfort. But what does it mean to LIVE in that fear? It is to live in the constant awareness of His holiness, His glory, His majesty, His love and ownership of me and all He has made, His kindness toward me, His law for me...

Growing up I always felt like it meant that to fear God was to really FEAR Him. I mean, the kind of fear that makes you sick to your stomach because you know all the bad stuff you do and you know that sinners go to hell and that you want to do right but you just CAN'T all the time. So I definitely got really, really good at saying the right things and being a "good girl" for my parents, teachers, and just about any other adults in my life. But I was scared. Secretly I knew that it was supposed to mean something to me that Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and I knew I had a lot of those), but I was ashamed because honestly, it didn't really make me feel that bad. I know that sounds like a horrible, awful thing to say, but that is just the truth. I mean, it made me feel sad that someone died in such a gruesome way, but I never had a personal connection. It just wasn't there. I had a LOT of guilt over my secret. I was surrounded by other people who declared how much they loved God and were heartbroken by Jesus' sacrifice. I thought I was the most horrible, unfeeling person ever, but I just could not manufacture some emotion that everyone else wanted me to have. I kept that secret until the night that I finally understood WHY there was no connection. I was 21 years old when it happened. I finally had a broken heart that God would love ME.

It begins in the head, is understood in the heart, and evidenced in the hands. It is to know who He says He is, BELIEVE it in faith, and with His enabling, live it in my life. It is to live in the knowledge and awareness of God, factoring Him into ALL of the issues of life. It is a conscious exercise. Being consciously aware of His knowledge of me changes me and my willingness to grieve Him. I mean, do I sin factoring God into it???? Or do I foolishly forget that every sin I commit is committed in His presence; therefore, in his face?

I have recently become more and more aware of things in my life that I know are not honoring to God, yet I ignore them or rationalize them. They are the "respectable sins" that many Christians excuse away as just being a part of your personality or being the result of something that someone else did to cause a reaction or behavior. I need to be more intolerant of the sin that I see in myself. I need to separate from the things that encourage blindness to those offenses. I know I will never even come close to being perfect. I'll sin every single day for the rest of my life. But I do want to live a life that is more and more pleasing to God and of great joy and use to Him. I want to live in such a way that makes a difference in the lives of others so that they can know the same God I know. I just feel like saying sometimes, "If you knew the secret corners of my heart, you would know that I am the WORST person ever! But if God can do a work on me, He can definitely do it for you!

The other obvious outflow of living in that awareness is the benefit it will have for my kids. I cannot teach my children to be something that they do not see every day in my own life. When they see me sin, (and believe me, they do), I can't be afraid to tell them, "You know, I was wrong. I should not have done that because it was not pleasing to God and not loving toward the other person. I'm gonna ask God to forgive me and enable me to not do that again. Will you forgive me, too?" I just want so much to give my kids a better and TRUE perspective of who God is than what I grew up with, so that they can live in the joy of reverence for Him and the blessing of obedience rather than a life full of loveless fear of God and hell.

It starts with ME.

Round 2 on ethics... Profile Books

So I wanted to get back to the discussion on "Dear Birthmother" letters and profile books.


I want to start out by saying that I truly, wholeheartedly believe that many if not most of the waiting families behind these letters and scrapbooks have noble intentions. They are often at the beginning stages of their adoption journey and usually have very few reference points with regard to adoption. They may know someone else who adopted or they may be getting most of their information through their agency. Perhaps their church has someone from an agency come on "Sanctity of Life Sunday" or they just believe what the vast majority of people even outside of adoption believe, which is that adoption is a loving, selfless, sacrificial thing to do. Afterall, it builds families, right?

Here is a link to an online forum in which we had a great discussion on this very subject between adoptive parents and women who relinquished. Beware: It is 6 pages, but well worth the read. :)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the letters and scrapbooks, here is the definition in a nutshell... Waiting families are encouraged to present information about themselves in the form of a scrapbook, so that expectant mothers considering relinquishment can select a family for their child. "Dear Birthmother" letters are often at the beginning of the book - a heartfelt letter directed at the mother, detailing the couple's emotions toward adoption and summarizing their lives.

So from the get-go, I believe that these books are a bad idea because they are designed to be emotional, both for the family creating them and the person reading them. So much pressure is put on families to stand out to the women reading the books because that is how they are going to select a new family for their child. For the women reading them, it is an emotional appeal to them for their baby. I have to stop here and shout from the rooftop... ANY TIME YOU ARE MAKING AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL TO SOMEONE FOR THEIR CHILD, IT IS PREDATORY AND UNETHICAL, EVEN IF YOU DON'T REALIZE IT. Ok, whew. Glad I got that off my chest. :)

There are several things that greatly concern me about the letters/profiles, but I want to start off with what I believe to be the biggest issue: presenting books to women during their pregnancy. On the surface, you might be thinking, "Jenni, what in the world do you see wrong with that? It gives the woman CHOICES, and isn't that a good thing?" I do think choice is a good thing, but when you beef up every choice except for the one that allows the woman to keep her baby, then it is coercive.

Let's say, just for the sake of making it easier to grasp, that your younger sister is unexpectedly pregnant and single. She is very contrite about the decisions that brought her to her current situation, and she is really in a pinch. She is still in college and living at home with your parents. She is the first one in the family to go to college, and your parents have a very humble situation as far as the house you have grown up in, the cars they drive, etc. Your dad is a construction worker, and your mom is a waitress. Your sister sees the honor in their hard work, but she is afraid that it will just be too much strain on everyone to make ends meet with another mouth to feed. She goes to an adoption agency to get some information. She states that she is thinking about adoption but is not sure. Afterall, she is only about 12 weeks along. She is told that adoption is so different than it used to be. Now, the counselor says, you can actually choose the family who will adopt your baby, and you can stay in touch through letters, pictures, and visits. Your sister is shown several profile books of waiting families to give your sister an idea of what the process is like. She opens those books to find, on the first page, a letter that says, "Dear Birthmother, Thank you so much for choosing life. The fact that you have chosen adoption for your child speaks to what a brave and selfless woman you are. You do not know us, be we have already been praying for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" The letter goes on about how they were not able to have children but how Jane is so excited to resign from her job as a kindergarten teacher to be a stay-at-home mom and take Baby to the park and to play groups. Bob is an attorney who loves to hike and build model airplanes, and they both love to take vacations to experience new places... Their favorite was the trip to the Grand Canyon. They are planning another vacation this year to Hawaii. They are an attractive couple, who seem so sincere and friendly. Plus, they want a baby so badly.

Ok. So your sister is just reeling from what an awesome couple she has just read about. She is only 12 weeks along, but this seems like the answer to everything. Here are these wonderful, sweet people who are longing for a baby, and she DEFINITELY doesn't have anything they described in their profile. In addition, there is the unintentional suggestion that she has already made the decision to relinquish by calling her a birthmother and telling her that she is very brave and selfless for her decision to chose adoption. Now, the couple means no harm by this, but they have no idea that this is a coercive situation. They are just patterning their book after the ones their agency social worker showed them as examples, right? They were just "speaking from their hearts".

I am hoping that you can understand where I am going with this. Books unintentionally discourage parenting because they present all that the woman knows she does not have materially. It makes her feel that if she decides to parent her baby, she is somehow being selfish or making the wrong decision because it is inferior to what she is seeing in these books. She is already being applauded for a choice she has not yet made. What would your gut be telling you about your sister's situation? Would you immediately say, "Thank God for this couple!" Or would you say, "Hold on! It is so early to be doing all of this! Let's just wait and see what we can come up with. We can figure out a way to keep our family together!" Because it is sooooooooo easy to think you know what someone ELSE should do until it happens to YOU.

If information was given to women after their babies were born and they had time to re-make their decision to relinquish, then that is one thing. But the ball starts rolling the minute those profiles pop out. It becomes a tidal wave that is almost impossible to get off. If the decision to relinquish is made completely based on information concerning the mother's situation, then at least she can own that. But you cannot force a woman to compete with financially blessed, advantaged couples that are making an emotional plea for a child. It is just not right. It can't be defended. The decision has to be made independently. THEN she can begin to look at who will be the right fit for her child. Adoption is about finding a home for a child, not about finding a baby for a family. The only person disappointed by making this change is the waiting family. The baby is certainly not harmed. Nor is the mother.

So back to the emotional aspect of profiles and letters. I have taken part in lots of discussions where waiting adoptive moms have asked, "What SHOULD we include in profiles if what is normally accepted is harmful?" Some like the answer and some don't, but I've yet to speak with a woman who has relinquished who does not think this is a fabulous idea. In fact, some very ethical agencies already have this policy in place. And that is the "fact sheet". The fact sheet lists very basic information about an adoptive couple and includes one picture of their current family. It includes things like age, ethnicity, education, careers, religious affiliation, degree of openness sought... It is a very bare bones introduction to the couple. This would allow for the woman viewing the fact sheet to base decisions completely on the facts. There is no emotional appeal, no flashy pictures, no talks of vacations or mention of how long the couple has longed for a child. And honestly, it takes the pressure off the adoptive couple because you can simple list the truth about yourself with no competition to make the best book or say the right thing or stand out from the rest of the waiting families. You are what you are. :) Once the expectant mother has found fact sheets that coincide with her initial criteria, she can then request some more detailed information about those families. Again, this could be very much like an essay portion of a test, for lack of a better way to describe it. Examples of good questions would be, "How would you describe your philosphy on parenting? What is your plan for disciplining and training a child's heart? Do you have any thoughts on what type of education you want for your children? Public school, private school, Christian school, home school? What do you believe about divorce? When problems arise in your family, as they do in all families, what is your strategy for mending relationships? How do you deal with conflict in your home? How much importance do you put on nutrition and exercise? How much is the TV a part of your time at home? What are the things you would most want to change about yourself?" These are just a very FEW, but a great place to start. Because honestly, I can tell you as a person who has given my child to another family, I don't give two hoots about how much your husband loves to do sparklers with your nephews on the 4th of July... I want to know how you would PARENT my child. What would you do to shape the life of the person I am giving to you? So often the only thing that is really offered in Dear Birthmother letters is the promise to love and care for the child. Well, I would do that myself, so that is not anything that is going to convince me that I should give you a person! It kind of makes me laugh when I read that! Most people would want to know more from the veterinarian caring for their dog than they offer of substance in a profile or letter. I don't know if that is because they just don't know WHAT to write or if they are just too nervous to really bare who they are.

I'm not ragging on adoptive parents. I know that these profiles and letters are required very early on in the process. Agencies usually have only offered a couple of informational meetings and may have had a token "birthmother" come to a meeting who is "at peace" with her decision. (Am I totally overusing the quotes? :) I know because I used to be the token birthmother for a few years post-relinquishment. In fact, I hate myself for it, but I actually helped make a nationally viewed video for Bethany. I would give almost anything to take that back. But you can't make a decision on Monday with information you won't get until Wednesday. And that is what happened in that case. I still believed that the agency and adoptive parents could treat me any way they wanted because I had done such a terrible thing by getting pregnant in the first place. I didn't deserve to have any say in the details because I should just be thankful that they were there to swoop in and help! Right?! I mean, I actually remember saying at one fundraiser banquet that I was accepting that Ellen's family had closed our adoption agreement because it was fair to them to be able to move on and not be constantly reminded that she was adopted. (Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor. I actually said it. Multiple times, I think.)

We need to be able to talk about the hard stuff... the stuff that may make us feel stupid or guilty or foolish. We need to do it for the sake of the people who have not been through the process yet. We owe it to the children who might be separated from their families. We owe it to the women who would never get over the trauma of giving their baby away. We owe it to the adoptive parents who may be guilt-ridden and angry at themselves when they realize they did not know what they needed to know to have an ethical adoption. We need to talk about why profile books and Dear Birthmother letters and YouTube videos with sad CCM music playing in the background are coercive. It might hurt your feelings, but you know what? Those feelings can be repaired. Giving your child to another person is permanent. And ultimately, if we are honest with ourselves, it is better to be at peace with the Lord about how we conduct ourselves rather than look to our own interests only.

It is almost 1 am, and Vacation Bible School starts in the morning. This is Susannah's first year of being old enough to go. So I need to get her stuff ready. :) How exciting to be 4 and doing something new for the first time! Well, off to bed I go. Pray over your thoughts on adoption. Don't just take my words for it. Meet with the Lord and seek His blessing on what you are doing. Perhaps there is no blessing for it. Perhaps you are to go in a different direction. I mean that for waiting families and expectant parents alike. We'll chat more tomorrow. Thanks for listening...

I know, I know...

... I overreacted a little. Ok, maybe a lot. I don't know.

After going through the rest of my weekend and having some really great distractions, I am pleased to say that I feel much more composed now than I did when I wrote the post about the MTV show. My opinion of how Catelynn's relinquishment played out is still the same, but I think I can now discuss everything in a more rational manner. :) I was definitely speaking from a place of extreme sorrow and, well... anger. But I know that my goal is to grow more and more able to properly categorize adoption issues in my heart. There are things that just plain suck, but they are just the natural consequences of creating a person outside of God's design for families. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but one that must be accepted nonetheless. That takes time, but I believe that the Lord not only forgives a truly contrite heart, but that he pours blessing on it as well. He is the perfect balance of justice and mercy... discipline and love. Christ did not hang on the cross for me to live a life as one who has no hope.

Then there are the things that we can have a righteous anger towards. I believe that there are many issues within adoption that legitimately fall into this category. I don't have enough coffee to keep me blogging long enough tonight to list them all, but a few of the big ones were plain as day in the case of Catelynn and Tyler. I don't want to continue to speak in specifics to their story, so I will draw from their experience and then just move forward from there.

I have a mind that does not stop running 90 miles an hour, 24 hours a day. I am never well-rested because of this. :( And my mind keeps taking me back to three MAJOR things that seem to be the perfect recipe for coercion in DIA. Of course, there are lots and lots of rabbit trails to explore, but these few are the things that need to come first.

1) Social worker training.
Ok, so I can speak freely about Bethany because I am not posting this on their site. I can pretty much ONLY speak to their training methods because I actually know a little bit about them. I can't say that about any other agency.

A while back, about 3 years ago, I mentioned to a Bethany SW that I posted on their online forums. She said she was curious but had never logged on. No time for it. Of course, I don't blame her because she was the ONLY bparent counselor at that branch, and she only worked a couple days a week. I'm really not sure how she could keep up, but I digress. During the course of our conversation about the forums, she mentioned to me that the national office was upset over some of the heated discussions that went on. They didn't have a clue as to why bparents and aparents were having such a hard time seeing eye to eye on some ethics issues. The next thing I know... literally about an hour after I left my meeting with her... I get a phone call. IT WAS THE LADY WHO OVERSEES ALL THE BIRTH PARENT COUNSELOR TRAINING NATIONWIDE FOR BETHANY. What???

She has been talking to that SW whose office I just left, and she would like for me to personally walk her through what I believe to be the "problem" on the forums. Afterall, they are very frustrated by it at the national office and want the atmosphere to be restored to a place of positive support for waiting families. (Wish I had emoticons right now.) :)

We actually talked for a long time, and when I got off the phone, I felt so. completely. defeated. A few things I shared with her that she said she had "never even thought about"...
* That birth parents do not "move on" with their lives. They learn to live WITH their grief, and the wound is ripped open with each new chapter of their lives... like getting married, having another baby, experiencing any new big change or other loss. It rips the scab off every time, and you have to start back at square one. Yeah, she said she had totally never considered that before. I explained that it was like a death, but worse because it was so open-ended. For a woman who has relinquished, there is the DAILY thought of the fact that you have a child living apart from you... and for someone in a closed situation, the stress of not knowing anything can sometimes be so distracting that it is debilitating. Will I get a phone call out of the blue? Could that child across the restaurant with the piercing blue eyes and chin like mine be the child that I lost?
* That adoption is not a win-win-win situation. Of course, she acknowledged that SOME people experience loss in adoption, but that ultimately, children are provided better homes, childless couples have the opportunity to be parents, and birth parents can go on to pursue a life they could not have had. (Still longing for those emoticons.)
* That women who relinquish do not consider their babies to be "gifts" to a family without children. When I explained that women are selecting a family to meet the needs of their CHILD rather than a family who looks like they deserve a baby, it was an awkward moment.

If this woman, the woman who travels all over the country to head up training for all of Bethany's birth parent counselors, could be so out in la-la land, what does that say? Can you see why I felt so defeated? It starts at the top, folks. I will just go ahead and be blunt and lay it out there. That woman has two choices as far as what is going on with her: either she is deceitful and knows all of this stuff but still feels like she must make it her personal mission to find babies for families OR she is a total flake. Which is it? I'm kinda scratching my head. But that is the best we are offered from the largest adoption agency in the country. Sad, huh?

2) Profile books and "Dear Birthmother" letters.
There are some really serious ethical issues with these things. They are insulting at best and predatory at worst. Then there is the profile book on steroids, called the adoption YouTube video. These, by the way, are wholeheartedly endorsed by Bethany. They are also now endorsing the use of all the major online social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, Flickr...) You can read about it here. One only has to consider the audience reached by using these sites to begin to understand why they are such valuable "tools" for an adoption agency. But we can stick to the scrapbooks for now and have plenty to talk about.

Actually, I am gonna save the profile books for the next post. It is late, and I am starting to feel fuzzy-brained. :) I'm gonna be bad and have a cupcake and then go to bed. But don't you worry. My busy mind will make it impossible for me to sleep, and we'll continue the discussion tomorrow. In the meantime, any thoughts out there?

Just when I think I'm doing better...

... I see this mess.

Now, I am going to warn you... Only watch this if you have about 40 minutes and if you are going to be in a place where you can break down sobbing.

MTV has a new show called "16 and Pregnant", and although I am not a watcher of MTV (well, not since the early 90's when the music was sublime and the fashion was criminal. :) ) I think they have actually done a decent job of portraying the reality of being young and pregnant. The particular episode linked above involved Bethany Christian Services, the agency I relinquished through.

Although it was heart-wrenching and triggering to watch another human being go through what I consider to be the most traumatic, sickening event of my life, what bothers me the most is the role that the agency played in all of it.

The cherry on top is that Bethany is blogging about it in a positive light. But we'll get to that in a minute.

I will go ahead and give you some brief highlights until you can watch for yourself.

So Catelynn and Tyler are 17 year olds who have been together for three years. Neither one of them has a very stellar home situation, but they are surprisingly grounded and mature for their age and circumstance. Catelynn is expecting a baby girl, and she and Tyler feel that their only option is to give the baby to another family in order to spare her the same home life that they have experienced.

They go to Bethany and tell the birthparent counselor of their decision, and she IMMEDIATELY accepts their decision and their reasons without exploring the issues any further. She tells them that relinquishing is often the most loving and selfless thing to do and sends them home with 10 profile books of waiting adoptive families. (If your jaw is not yet on the floor, don't you worry; I'm just getting started.)

The two expectant parents go home and look through the books. They settle on one book that they like the most. My heart just dropped as the camera focused on a picture of a huge, ritzy house with descriptions of a dad with an affluent job and a SAHM. Catelynn says something like, "Wow! Look at that house!" And Tyler says, "Yeah, he is a financial planner." Catelynn replies, "I don't even know what that is." They were totally awestruck by the family with a life that they could only dream of.

So C and T meet with the afamily at the Bethany office. C states her reasons for choosing adoption as being rooted in her awful childhood and wanting something better for her daughter. She begins to cry. Everyone else is just sitting there in this awkward moment like there is no sympathy for her...? It was hard to watch. The camera kept panning to the amom who had this strained, fake look of concern on her face... Just weird.

Anyway, the SW calls it a match, and over the next couple months, C and T and the afamily get to know one another a little more and C and T make a scrapbook for their unborn daughter.

The day of C's induction arrives, and C and T have their moms and other family members there for support. Guess who else is at the hospital, waiting in the wings? Yep. The aparents. C gets through her labor and there is a very emotional scene when her baby is delivered and Tyler leans down to hug Catelynn, both of them sobbing, and he says, "She doesn't want to see the baby! Don't show her! We can get through this... We can do this. She will have a better life." :( I was sobbing at that point.

Let's just have an aside here for the purpose of commenting on Catelynn not wanting to see her baby initially. I have heard time and again from amoms who say, "Our birthmother didn't even want to see our baby." Well, now can you understand WHY that might be??? Could it be that the woman is so completely heartbroken that she can't bear to look at the baby she can't have? It is not being callous, folks. It is falling apart emotionally. It is self-preservation.

Ok, back to the hospital experience. So C decides shortly after delivery that she wants to see her baby and hold her. Tyler goes out to the waiting area and tells the aparents that C wants some time with the baby and that he is going to do the same. You can just see the look of disappointment on the amom's face. The woman starts awkwardly going on about how she promises they will love the baby so much and take good care of her, blah, blah, blah. Tyler returns to the room to be with C and the baby.

Here is where it gets absolutely, gut-wrenchingly, sickeningly EVIL. The social worker comes into C's hospital room as she is holding her baby and visiting with her family and asks if she can have everyone leave the room so that the aparents can come in and be with the baby. What????? After all, she says, it has been 5 hours since the delivery. What????? C says that she wants to get some pictures of her baby with Tyler. The social worker is clearly frustrated and irritated and says that she will TRY to hold off the afamily and entertain them. What?????

The afamily comes in later to hold the baby. The amom then goes on and on about what a wonderful GIFT they are giving them and how much they will love the baby. She cries and cries and then gives C a gift. The gift actually wasn't bad - very sentimental - but it was TOTALLY, COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AT THE TIME.

The next thing you see is Catelynn and Tyler signing TPR in the hospital room. I could not believe what I was seeing. She was sitting on the very bed in which she had labored hours earlier, signing away her rights before she was even out of the fog of giving birth. I couldn't even make a decision about what I wanted from the cafeteria at that point postpartum.

Bethany is so pleased with this episode, that they have advertised it on their blog. This is what they have to say...

"Bethany is very excited to be part of a new show on MTV called '16 and Pregnant'. The show features Catelynn from Eastern Michigan and how Bethany walked her through pregnancy. Dawn Baker, pregnancy counselor, supported and counseled Catelynn and her boyfriend through their adoption plan. Tune in to MTV tonight at 10 pm to see the emotional and touching story!"

Are they actually PROUD of this? Do they not see anything wrong about their unethical practices? I'm gonna let this marinate, and I'll be back tonight after my cousin's wedding to dissect it.

Ugh. I can hardly tear my brain and heart away from this.