I won't have anymore hair left...

... If I keep pulling it out every time someone uses the phrase "our birthmother" or "the birthmother is due on..." or "the birthmother changed her mind and decided to keep the baby..."

It strips my dignity away every time I hear it used that way. Every time.

I'm not a fan of the term "birthmother" itself, but it is not necessarily offensive to me when used in certain circumstances. I understand why those who use it do, and I have no hard feelings. I firmly believe that each adoption relationship is unique, and we have to allow for that. We have to acknowledge that our experience may not be someone else's. Plain and simple. But there are some things that are applicable to any and all DIA situations.

A woman is not a birthmother when she is pregnant and expecting her child. She is not a birthmother even if she has been matched with a waiting family. She is not a birthmother when she has been considering relinquishment and then decides against that after the birth of her child. And she does not belong to a family. She belongs to her child in a special bond, and they to her...

I can understand the endearment of saying "Ellen's birth mother sent her a letter..." It connects the mother to the child and vice versa. But please don't use the phrase "our birthmother" nomatter how sweet or loving you think it is. I am not a service provider such as "our attorney" or "our doctor" or "our accountant" or "our mechanic". Please do not reduce me to that. I am saying this in gentleness and kindness, not anger. I'm really pleading with you. Please do not do this to me or any other woman. It is not a PC issue, it is an issue of treating another human being with respect and consideration.

If you are speaking of a woman with whom you have been matched in an adoption situation, why not just refer to her by her first name? Or in anonimity, by her first initial? Because, honestly, first and foremost, she is a PERSON. Using the term birthmother prior to a woman relinquishing her rights is not the same as saying "my sister" or "my friend" or "my roommate". Those people are defined in your life by those terms because they are ALREADY those things in your life. They are already in that role. But a woman who is considering relinquishment is just that - considering it. She does not belong to you, her unborn baby is not yours just waiting to be born, and she is still a mother expecting a baby - her baby.

This is really not an example of me being overly sensitive. If you have ever had another person demean you or speak down to you or make you feel like less of a person, then perhaps you will understand. I will go as far as to say this is a human rights issue... a woman's issue. Yes, I said that... and if you know me, you know I am NOT a women's lib advocate! :)

I hope this will be received in the manner in which it is intended. I think families and women who have relinquished have the right to define what terms they will use in their adoption relationships once those relationships are formed by the transferrence of the child from one family to another. Oh, how that breaks my heart to type that... tranferring a child from one family to another... But this is our reality, right? ... The world we live in.

Blessings to all my friends out there who are mothers to beautiful, priceless children through adoption. Chances are if you are reading my blog, you are not using that phrase in the first place. Pass on your wisdom!!!! :)