Loving for the Greater Good?

In reading from my blog roll today, I came across some posts by Cassi and Myst regarding the school of thought that it is a greater form of love to relinquish a child than to parent them.  Their posts were sparked by a quote from another site that read, "If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me."  Needless to say, from the perspective of a woman who has relinquished, this is going to dig up some memories and emotions. 

As I read through their posts, I found myself identifying with a lot of the same feelings, but I had a little different spin on it, as well.  I thought I'd bring the discussion here and see if anyone wants to jump in.  I welcome all points of view.  I only ask that everyone be courteous and respectful of viewpoints that differ from their own.  So, no name calling, profanity or general nastiness; although, spirited, intelligent discussion is encouraged! :)  I am not really challenged to think outside of my own viewpoint if I am just called a "hater" (I left my hip hop dictionary back in middle school) or bitter and angry. (See previous post.) As an aside, I'd like to add that it confounds me that I could offer my heart up in sincerity and still be labeled a "hater" by another person who shares my faith, but I'm more interested in moving on to productive dialogue.

So back to the subject at hand, in thinking about what these other women who have lost children had to say, it occured to me that we haven't touched on the fact that as expectant moms, we were given incorrect pictures of the people waiting to adopt our children.  I am gonna come at this one from the perspective of having relinquished through a Christian adoption agency.  I know that is not the experience of everybody out there, so I'd like to hear other's experiences as well.

I was most definitely encouraged to relinquish for the following reasons: 1) I was unmarried, and my daughter's father, although 11 years older, was about at my same emotional maturity level that I was at 17.  2) I had not yet gone to college, and it was going to be a big financial strain on me to provide for my daughter. She would have to go to daycare all day while I worked my tail off.  3) I was told I did not have the wisdom and discernment at my age to parent a child. 4) I was told that it would be extremely difficult for me to find a decent husband if I was a single mom.  Nobody would want to take on all my "baggage".  Go ahead and swallow the vomit that just came up into your mouth, and then read on. :)

So there you have it.  And I guess at face value, some of those ARE important issues to explore when you are facing parenthood.  Parenthood is not playing house.  But what those issues are not are automatic reasons to give your child away to someone else.  Did I need to find some solutions to my current situation?  Oh yeah.  Babies DO need financial provision.  They DO need to be nurtured spiritually and emotionally on top of meeting their physical needs.  But the point I am getting to is that, at the time, I was told that giving my child to a waiting family was going to secure all of these things for her.  Afterall, Bethany screens all of their adoptive parents and puts them through such a rigorous application process and homestudy, right?  Well, it certainly is a sea of paperwork and questions that adoptive parents have to wade through if you go through an agency.  I will definitely give you that.  But you know what I have found in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been developing relationships with adoptive parents?  They are not superhuman.  They are just normal, everyday people who want to be parents.  Some of them have a lot of money.  Some don't.  Some are married.  Some are single or divorced.  Some are educated and some are not.  Some are discerning and some just got off the banana boat.  Some are very knowledgeable about their faith, and some haven't cracked open their Bible in months or years or ever.  I am not saying this to be critical, I am saying this to put it out there in the open that couples who are waiting to adopt are just everyday, real, fallible people like anyone else.  Many are phenomenal people, and many are real jerks.  The fact that they have completed adoption paperwork and created a scrapbook or a YouTube video does not make them any wiser, or richer or loving. They are just human beings.  At the core, they are just the same as parents who relinquish.

Before I go any further, I want to say that my intent is not to harm any of my friends who might be reading who are mothers through adoption.  I am actually very thankful to have made friends with women and men who can offer me a glimpse into the world of an adoptive parent.  It has helped me to understand more of my own situation, and that has brought some relief to me as I have grieved my closed adoption.  You have let me into your lives and been honest with me about the not-so-lovely parts of adoption from your perspective, and even though that can be painful for me, it opens my mind up to experiences outside my own.  But I am about to open up another can, and I wanted to warn anyone reading that what follows might be hard to read at first...

It pains me to no end that I was deemed not good enough to parent my daughter for the reasons mentioned above, when agencies will turn around and allow single parent adoption, give loans and grants to people who cannot afford to adopt, allow people who are going through bankruptcy to adopt, allow people with no education and minimum wage jobs to adopt, allow people to adopt and then stick their children in daycare all day, and so on and so forth.  I have seen so many people come to discussion forums with all their worries because of bankruptcy, divorce, criminal records, trying to hurry up and find a church to attend for a while so that they can get a pastoral reference letter - then leave the church, and so on and so forth.  So, why is it that I wasn't good enough for their approval and help? Why is it that someone else could be in a similar circumstance to me at the time I relinquished my own daughter, but they are somehow "better" than me?  In some twisted way, I must love to my own harm for the sake of my daughter, so that she can have the opportunity to go to this dream family.  So I was told.

I believed this stuff.  I cried and cried at how torn I was.  I LOVE my firstborn.  I have loved her from the moment I knew of her existence.  Knowing her due date and being told that adoption was the best way I could show love to her was like knowing the day that someone was going to die.  You live in a perpetual state of nausea all the time (and it's not pregnancy-induced.)  I dreamed of leaving the hospital with her and just running away and making a life for myself.  But then I would be this awful, selfish, immature outcast.  And afterall, I would ruin her, right?  She deserved so much more than me.  She deserved the BEST.  Let me tell you, when I had that lighbulb moment and realized the facade of the rich, superhuman, all-wise, perfect adoptive family, I didn't know how I would live through it.  The grief that engulfed me was so crushing that I could hardly function.  When I went to my agency to discuss this discovery and emotional turmoil, they didn't know what to do with me.  Because they still didn't get it.  Even though they realize that waiting families are just normal people, there is still somehow this gigantic disconnect there about why they are not BETTER, just DIFFERENT from parents who relinquish.

I'm not trying to criticize anybody who finds themselves in any of the above-mentioned life circumstances.  Life happens and people lose jobs, find themselves in financial hardship, go through divorce (sometimes when they have no choice).  And of course there is the whole working mom and daycare vs. stay-at-home-mom discussion which I have no desire to wade into. People make the choices they deem best for their own families.  But I think you get the point I am trying to make, though.  Why was it more loving of me to consider giving my daughter to another mother who might put her in daycare when that is what I was facing? Why would it have been more loving of me to give her to a family who also didn't have much financially?  Why was it stressed to me that I was cheating my daughter out of having a father when the agency approves single parents?  I have seen marriages fall apart within a year or two after finalizing.  Do they have to give back their adopted children? I've never heard of it.  Of course not.  That is unimaginable.  Better yet, do people with bio children who go through hardships have an expectation put on them to just relinquish their kids because they are going through a rough time?  Um, nope.

So you see what I'm getting at.  Where is this truth in loving for the greater good?  Why was it more loving of me to give away my child rather than parent when I could have been placing her into similar circumstances to my own?  For the record, I'm not going to give specifics of my daughter's aparents' situation.  But I am thankful to say that they are a stable, solid, and I believe, discerning family.  My pain over their closing the adoption does not reflect on my confidence in their ability to parent my daughter well.  But I believe that my daughter's parents are by far NOT the norm from what I have seen over and over and over again among couples waiting to adopt.

Sometimes, I dislike how things have turned into a bit of an "I told you so" when it comes to how my life played out after relinquishment.  I have a very blessed life.  I had a fabulous job with a lot of respect, perks and privleges up until I made the decision to be a stay at home mom.  I have a rock solid husband who loves me, is a wonderful dad, and a hard-working provider for our family.  I have two precious daughters who I get to be with every day.  They bring so much joy into my life.  But I have actually had people CALL ME ON THE PHONE (3 different people, in fact) and ask me to talk to someone they know and convince them to relinquish their unborn child because it worked out so well for me.  I am not kidding around.  People misinterpret the blessings in my life to mean that they are BECAUSE I "made the right choice".  It hurts my chest a little to type that out.  It actually makes me need to breathe in and out deeply to release some of the strain of it.  I think it is really sad that I am still being told that adoption results in a fairy tale.  That anything good in my life cannot be because of resolve, back-breaking work, and determination, nevermind the grace and mercy of God, but it all has to be about that pivotal point in my life when I gave away my child.  Well, it was a pivotal point, alright.  It was the day that part of me died and went away forever.  It was the day that something so inconceivably awful happened that I have spent every day for the last 15 years trying to live life in spite of it.  Sorting through many, many layers of thought and realizing that what I once was told - that I was loving to my own harm for the life of another... that I was submitting to God and obediently giving my daughter something better - those were all just human words and ideas. 

I do know that there are women out there who cannot mother their children.  I know of the situations of people I love and respect, and their children's first moms have made and continue to make choices that bring about pain and difficulty in their lives and the lives of their relinquished children.  I'm not condoning a child being in an unhealthy or harmful environment.  Unfortunately, sometimes it really is necessary for children to be separated from their biological families.  But that is not really what we are talking about here.  We have been talking all along about convincing someone who loves their child that the BEST way they can love them is by giving them away.  And let me tell you... the kind of mother who falls victim to this line of thinking is the kind of mother who would move heaven and earth to provide physically, emotionally, and spiritually for her child if only encouraged and supported.  When will we begin offering the same support and understanding to biological mothers that we offer to people who long to adopt a child?  Why is it so wonderful to hold fundraising banquets and concerts with the intention of raising money for people who cannot afford to adopt?  I have more thoughts on all of that, but I have written enough.  I'll let it marinate and give myself a bit of a breather. :)

I encourage you to open up your heart to realities outside your own.  Adoption counseling is STILL going on in the manner I described in my situation.  In fact, I have been doing a little digging into some of Bethany's resources that they make available to "crisis pregnancy counselors", expectant parents, and waiting couples.  You will definitely want to know how they are currently marketing adoption, and how they are continuing to present an inaccurate at best and deceptive at worst picture about relinquishment.  But I digress...  Thanks for reading.

Angry and bitter... Bitter and angry...

I wanted to talk about those things tonight.  I've been thinking about so, so much for the last couple of weeks, but life has just prevented me from getting my thoughts down on the computer.  Sick husband, sick kids.  Husband working hundred hour weeks, me getting sick.  Sewing some things for my sister's nursery and helping her get ready for her first baby (who is, as of tonight, 5 days overdue) ...  Things have just piled up.  In fact, I should REALLY be cleaning the kitchen right now.  But I need to take a few minutes for myself to let some thoughts out.  Nobody will die if there are some dishes in the sink in the morning.  They'll keep. :)

There are certainly no shortage of perceptions of women who have relinquished children. There are many labels that get tossed around, and I've been called most of them. :) Some by well-meaning people who were looking for the kind and compassionate thing to say, and some who definitely intended to wound me... But the funny thing is, whether meant for good or meant for harm, I don't think anyone has hit the nail on the head yet. :)  When you're a "birth mom" (I'll use that term because that is the Goliath of labels,) people like to think that they have you figured out. I'm not really sure why that is. But my hypothesis is that there are so many myths about WHY women relinquish children, and HOW that process takes place, and WHO these people really are... that the truth just gets lost in the mix.  The real voices are small, and the paid ones are loud.

In all honesty, I believe that it is much more comfortable for the majority of people to assign a label or embrace an existing one than to open themselves up to the stories of people living through adoption. I mean, since we are being honest here, let's just acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and put it out there - that many people have a NEED to put birth moms (and adoptees) in a box that is comfortable for them, because to do otherwise would require a lot of introspection, hearing new and difficult things, and rethinking a lot of the old widely accepted warm fuzzies about ADOPTION. I think of it like looking into one of those mirrors that magnifies things so that you can see really up close... I look great when I have my makeup all done if I am just looking into a normal mirror! LOL But if I lean in close to the smaller one mounted to the side of my bathroom countertop, I can see that underneath all my Mary Kay are some pores, fine lines, and the occasional wirey little chin hair that must be plucked immediately! (Had to have a little bit of a laugh.:) ) But even if I didn't have that magnifying mirror to show me, those imperfections would still be there. Truth is truth, regardless of if you want to stare it in the face or cover it up with something prettier and more lovely to look at.

It IS uncomfortable to think about adoption as anything other than beautiful and bittersweet and sacrificial and a ministry because if you do, that leaves you with some SERIOUS you know what to sort through. If you dissect those myths and labels, then you will have to go to some painful places and do some soul-searching. You may have to travel down a path that does not meet your expectations for what you NEED adoption to be. It is much, much easier to accept and embrace the status quo, because, to use a southern term, it is dolled up to perfection. All the marketing,and tearful concerts, and fundraisers, and videos set to sappy music, and National Adoption Month, and Sanctity of Life Sundays, etc... But I know you have more common sense than that! I believe that if you take a moment to think for yourself, you will see that behind all of that perfectly orchestrated, professionally designed and marketed hooplah, you have REAL living, breathing souls whose lives are PERMANENTLY changed, often because of an emotional appeal and pretty packaging.

And into the mix comes this phenomenon of believing that if you have anything critical to say of the current adoption system in this country, that you are just angry and bitter and need to find some peace in your life. It actually makes me smile a bit as I type that out.  Any criticism or evaluation or judgment of how the process takes place is deemed "anti-adoption" and immediately cast aside as having no validity or credence - ESPECIALLY if it has come from the mouth of a birth mother.  I'll even stick my neck out there and go one step further to say that within the community of Christians, it is almost sacrilege.  But it is true, isn't it?  I mean, let's be frank.  I grew up with adoption agencies coming into my church with tearful speakers on the beauty of adoption and the dire need for people to support it so that we could reduce abortions and provide loving homes for unwanted children. I mean, who wouldn't want to jump on that train??  Um, anybody with even half a heart! :)  Little did I know then that there is a false correlation between the decision to relinquish vs. the decision to abort.  But it sure did sound serious at the time. 

And then there is all of the talk about how as believers, we are all adopted into the family of God... and that Moses and Samuel and Esther and Jesus were all adopted... Look at how much God LOVES adoption!  Nevermind the fact that, although indeed we ARE adopted into the family of God, and although all those others were in essence adopted as we read about in the Bible, all of those examples are nothing, nothing, nothing at all, not in the least, similar to how DIA works today.  No resemblance at all.  So I think it would be much more accurate to say that God, in His perfection and wisdom DOES use adoption to carry out His decrees and that He does indeed take great pleasure in working out His will as He sees fit.  He takes pleasure in caring for His children and in meeting all of our needs (notice I did not say "wants".)  But that is not the stamp of approval on adoption - even big Christian adoption agencies.  I want to talk further about the whole subject of the sovereignty of God and the sinful acts of men and how that relates to adoption, but it seems more fitting for another time.  I guess that would also take us off on a pretty big rabbit trail...  I think of Joseph's words to his brothers when he said to them, "Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." (Genesis 50:20)

And so that brings me back to the whole angry and bitter label, because I just really long for people to be able to make a distinction between what it looks like to really be bitter or to learn to live alongside grief by laying it at the foot of the cross every day... To be able to submit to a God who sits on the throne of the universe and "neither slumbers nor sleeps" and yet have a morally justifiable anger against unethical practices of those who have the word "Christian" in their name or who call their actions a ministry.  It is not acceptable to paint things a simple black or white in adoption.  We can't say, well God is FOR adoption, and this is a Christian agency, so if you have a problem, you just need to heal and find peace because you are hurting.  No, what we would do better to say is, God does orchestrate the lives of people to include adoption.  He does all things well.  But He will still hold the guilty accountable for wrongs committed against others.  He does not condone dishonesty or greed or selfishness EVEN IF the end result sometimes looks favorable on the outside.  Does the God who spoke the earth into existence, who caused a 90 year old Sarah to bear a child, who parted the sea for the children of Israel, who caused the sun to stand still for Joshua, who sent fire from heaven for Elijah and David and Solomon, who shut the mouths of lions for Daniel, (we could go on and on and on...) Is that the God who needs man to delude, connive or persued people in order to accomplish His purpose?  Not the God I serve. (Sorry, Susannah and I are on a role during her Bible time looking through all the accounts in the Old Testament where God miraculously intervened for His people, so I have those people on the brain. LOL)

So, I guess if you are compelled to label me, you might want to call me a misfit. :) Because I am not anti-adoption.  I am pro reform in adoption.  I am a woman who labels herself a follower of God, a woman who is learning to live with and submit to the immense loss that adoption has brought into my life, a person who seeks justice and transparency and change in our current adoption system for the health and protection of everyone involved, and a mother who looks forward with expectant hope to what I will learn in the future about what God has been doing all along, for our good and for His glory.  You see, as I said before, it is never just black or white.

Round 2 on ethics... Profile Books

So I wanted to get back to the discussion on "Dear Birthmother" letters and profile books.


I want to start out by saying that I truly, wholeheartedly believe that many if not most of the waiting families behind these letters and scrapbooks have noble intentions. They are often at the beginning stages of their adoption journey and usually have very few reference points with regard to adoption. They may know someone else who adopted or they may be getting most of their information through their agency. Perhaps their church has someone from an agency come on "Sanctity of Life Sunday" or they just believe what the vast majority of people even outside of adoption believe, which is that adoption is a loving, selfless, sacrificial thing to do. Afterall, it builds families, right?

Here is a link to an online forum in which we had a great discussion on this very subject between adoptive parents and women who relinquished. Beware: It is 6 pages, but well worth the read. :)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the letters and scrapbooks, here is the definition in a nutshell... Waiting families are encouraged to present information about themselves in the form of a scrapbook, so that expectant mothers considering relinquishment can select a family for their child. "Dear Birthmother" letters are often at the beginning of the book - a heartfelt letter directed at the mother, detailing the couple's emotions toward adoption and summarizing their lives.

So from the get-go, I believe that these books are a bad idea because they are designed to be emotional, both for the family creating them and the person reading them. So much pressure is put on families to stand out to the women reading the books because that is how they are going to select a new family for their child. For the women reading them, it is an emotional appeal to them for their baby. I have to stop here and shout from the rooftop... ANY TIME YOU ARE MAKING AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL TO SOMEONE FOR THEIR CHILD, IT IS PREDATORY AND UNETHICAL, EVEN IF YOU DON'T REALIZE IT. Ok, whew. Glad I got that off my chest. :)

There are several things that greatly concern me about the letters/profiles, but I want to start off with what I believe to be the biggest issue: presenting books to women during their pregnancy. On the surface, you might be thinking, "Jenni, what in the world do you see wrong with that? It gives the woman CHOICES, and isn't that a good thing?" I do think choice is a good thing, but when you beef up every choice except for the one that allows the woman to keep her baby, then it is coercive.

Let's say, just for the sake of making it easier to grasp, that your younger sister is unexpectedly pregnant and single. She is very contrite about the decisions that brought her to her current situation, and she is really in a pinch. She is still in college and living at home with your parents. She is the first one in the family to go to college, and your parents have a very humble situation as far as the house you have grown up in, the cars they drive, etc. Your dad is a construction worker, and your mom is a waitress. Your sister sees the honor in their hard work, but she is afraid that it will just be too much strain on everyone to make ends meet with another mouth to feed. She goes to an adoption agency to get some information. She states that she is thinking about adoption but is not sure. Afterall, she is only about 12 weeks along. She is told that adoption is so different than it used to be. Now, the counselor says, you can actually choose the family who will adopt your baby, and you can stay in touch through letters, pictures, and visits. Your sister is shown several profile books of waiting families to give your sister an idea of what the process is like. She opens those books to find, on the first page, a letter that says, "Dear Birthmother, Thank you so much for choosing life. The fact that you have chosen adoption for your child speaks to what a brave and selfless woman you are. You do not know us, be we have already been praying for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" The letter goes on about how they were not able to have children but how Jane is so excited to resign from her job as a kindergarten teacher to be a stay-at-home mom and take Baby to the park and to play groups. Bob is an attorney who loves to hike and build model airplanes, and they both love to take vacations to experience new places... Their favorite was the trip to the Grand Canyon. They are planning another vacation this year to Hawaii. They are an attractive couple, who seem so sincere and friendly. Plus, they want a baby so badly.

Ok. So your sister is just reeling from what an awesome couple she has just read about. She is only 12 weeks along, but this seems like the answer to everything. Here are these wonderful, sweet people who are longing for a baby, and she DEFINITELY doesn't have anything they described in their profile. In addition, there is the unintentional suggestion that she has already made the decision to relinquish by calling her a birthmother and telling her that she is very brave and selfless for her decision to chose adoption. Now, the couple means no harm by this, but they have no idea that this is a coercive situation. They are just patterning their book after the ones their agency social worker showed them as examples, right? They were just "speaking from their hearts".

I am hoping that you can understand where I am going with this. Books unintentionally discourage parenting because they present all that the woman knows she does not have materially. It makes her feel that if she decides to parent her baby, she is somehow being selfish or making the wrong decision because it is inferior to what she is seeing in these books. She is already being applauded for a choice she has not yet made. What would your gut be telling you about your sister's situation? Would you immediately say, "Thank God for this couple!" Or would you say, "Hold on! It is so early to be doing all of this! Let's just wait and see what we can come up with. We can figure out a way to keep our family together!" Because it is sooooooooo easy to think you know what someone ELSE should do until it happens to YOU.

If information was given to women after their babies were born and they had time to re-make their decision to relinquish, then that is one thing. But the ball starts rolling the minute those profiles pop out. It becomes a tidal wave that is almost impossible to get off. If the decision to relinquish is made completely based on information concerning the mother's situation, then at least she can own that. But you cannot force a woman to compete with financially blessed, advantaged couples that are making an emotional plea for a child. It is just not right. It can't be defended. The decision has to be made independently. THEN she can begin to look at who will be the right fit for her child. Adoption is about finding a home for a child, not about finding a baby for a family. The only person disappointed by making this change is the waiting family. The baby is certainly not harmed. Nor is the mother.

So back to the emotional aspect of profiles and letters. I have taken part in lots of discussions where waiting adoptive moms have asked, "What SHOULD we include in profiles if what is normally accepted is harmful?" Some like the answer and some don't, but I've yet to speak with a woman who has relinquished who does not think this is a fabulous idea. In fact, some very ethical agencies already have this policy in place. And that is the "fact sheet". The fact sheet lists very basic information about an adoptive couple and includes one picture of their current family. It includes things like age, ethnicity, education, careers, religious affiliation, degree of openness sought... It is a very bare bones introduction to the couple. This would allow for the woman viewing the fact sheet to base decisions completely on the facts. There is no emotional appeal, no flashy pictures, no talks of vacations or mention of how long the couple has longed for a child. And honestly, it takes the pressure off the adoptive couple because you can simple list the truth about yourself with no competition to make the best book or say the right thing or stand out from the rest of the waiting families. You are what you are. :) Once the expectant mother has found fact sheets that coincide with her initial criteria, she can then request some more detailed information about those families. Again, this could be very much like an essay portion of a test, for lack of a better way to describe it. Examples of good questions would be, "How would you describe your philosphy on parenting? What is your plan for disciplining and training a child's heart? Do you have any thoughts on what type of education you want for your children? Public school, private school, Christian school, home school? What do you believe about divorce? When problems arise in your family, as they do in all families, what is your strategy for mending relationships? How do you deal with conflict in your home? How much importance do you put on nutrition and exercise? How much is the TV a part of your time at home? What are the things you would most want to change about yourself?" These are just a very FEW, but a great place to start. Because honestly, I can tell you as a person who has given my child to another family, I don't give two hoots about how much your husband loves to do sparklers with your nephews on the 4th of July... I want to know how you would PARENT my child. What would you do to shape the life of the person I am giving to you? So often the only thing that is really offered in Dear Birthmother letters is the promise to love and care for the child. Well, I would do that myself, so that is not anything that is going to convince me that I should give you a person! It kind of makes me laugh when I read that! Most people would want to know more from the veterinarian caring for their dog than they offer of substance in a profile or letter. I don't know if that is because they just don't know WHAT to write or if they are just too nervous to really bare who they are.

I'm not ragging on adoptive parents. I know that these profiles and letters are required very early on in the process. Agencies usually have only offered a couple of informational meetings and may have had a token "birthmother" come to a meeting who is "at peace" with her decision. (Am I totally overusing the quotes? :) I know because I used to be the token birthmother for a few years post-relinquishment. In fact, I hate myself for it, but I actually helped make a nationally viewed video for Bethany. I would give almost anything to take that back. But you can't make a decision on Monday with information you won't get until Wednesday. And that is what happened in that case. I still believed that the agency and adoptive parents could treat me any way they wanted because I had done such a terrible thing by getting pregnant in the first place. I didn't deserve to have any say in the details because I should just be thankful that they were there to swoop in and help! Right?! I mean, I actually remember saying at one fundraiser banquet that I was accepting that Ellen's family had closed our adoption agreement because it was fair to them to be able to move on and not be constantly reminded that she was adopted. (Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor. I actually said it. Multiple times, I think.)

We need to be able to talk about the hard stuff... the stuff that may make us feel stupid or guilty or foolish. We need to do it for the sake of the people who have not been through the process yet. We owe it to the children who might be separated from their families. We owe it to the women who would never get over the trauma of giving their baby away. We owe it to the adoptive parents who may be guilt-ridden and angry at themselves when they realize they did not know what they needed to know to have an ethical adoption. We need to talk about why profile books and Dear Birthmother letters and YouTube videos with sad CCM music playing in the background are coercive. It might hurt your feelings, but you know what? Those feelings can be repaired. Giving your child to another person is permanent. And ultimately, if we are honest with ourselves, it is better to be at peace with the Lord about how we conduct ourselves rather than look to our own interests only.

It is almost 1 am, and Vacation Bible School starts in the morning. This is Susannah's first year of being old enough to go. So I need to get her stuff ready. :) How exciting to be 4 and doing something new for the first time! Well, off to bed I go. Pray over your thoughts on adoption. Don't just take my words for it. Meet with the Lord and seek His blessing on what you are doing. Perhaps there is no blessing for it. Perhaps you are to go in a different direction. I mean that for waiting families and expectant parents alike. We'll chat more tomorrow. Thanks for listening...

I know, I know...

... I overreacted a little. Ok, maybe a lot. I don't know.

After going through the rest of my weekend and having some really great distractions, I am pleased to say that I feel much more composed now than I did when I wrote the post about the MTV show. My opinion of how Catelynn's relinquishment played out is still the same, but I think I can now discuss everything in a more rational manner. :) I was definitely speaking from a place of extreme sorrow and, well... anger. But I know that my goal is to grow more and more able to properly categorize adoption issues in my heart. There are things that just plain suck, but they are just the natural consequences of creating a person outside of God's design for families. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but one that must be accepted nonetheless. That takes time, but I believe that the Lord not only forgives a truly contrite heart, but that he pours blessing on it as well. He is the perfect balance of justice and mercy... discipline and love. Christ did not hang on the cross for me to live a life as one who has no hope.

Then there are the things that we can have a righteous anger towards. I believe that there are many issues within adoption that legitimately fall into this category. I don't have enough coffee to keep me blogging long enough tonight to list them all, but a few of the big ones were plain as day in the case of Catelynn and Tyler. I don't want to continue to speak in specifics to their story, so I will draw from their experience and then just move forward from there.

I have a mind that does not stop running 90 miles an hour, 24 hours a day. I am never well-rested because of this. :( And my mind keeps taking me back to three MAJOR things that seem to be the perfect recipe for coercion in DIA. Of course, there are lots and lots of rabbit trails to explore, but these few are the things that need to come first.

1) Social worker training.
Ok, so I can speak freely about Bethany because I am not posting this on their site. I can pretty much ONLY speak to their training methods because I actually know a little bit about them. I can't say that about any other agency.

A while back, about 3 years ago, I mentioned to a Bethany SW that I posted on their online forums. She said she was curious but had never logged on. No time for it. Of course, I don't blame her because she was the ONLY bparent counselor at that branch, and she only worked a couple days a week. I'm really not sure how she could keep up, but I digress. During the course of our conversation about the forums, she mentioned to me that the national office was upset over some of the heated discussions that went on. They didn't have a clue as to why bparents and aparents were having such a hard time seeing eye to eye on some ethics issues. The next thing I know... literally about an hour after I left my meeting with her... I get a phone call. IT WAS THE LADY WHO OVERSEES ALL THE BIRTH PARENT COUNSELOR TRAINING NATIONWIDE FOR BETHANY. What???

She has been talking to that SW whose office I just left, and she would like for me to personally walk her through what I believe to be the "problem" on the forums. Afterall, they are very frustrated by it at the national office and want the atmosphere to be restored to a place of positive support for waiting families. (Wish I had emoticons right now.) :)

We actually talked for a long time, and when I got off the phone, I felt so. completely. defeated. A few things I shared with her that she said she had "never even thought about"...
* That birth parents do not "move on" with their lives. They learn to live WITH their grief, and the wound is ripped open with each new chapter of their lives... like getting married, having another baby, experiencing any new big change or other loss. It rips the scab off every time, and you have to start back at square one. Yeah, she said she had totally never considered that before. I explained that it was like a death, but worse because it was so open-ended. For a woman who has relinquished, there is the DAILY thought of the fact that you have a child living apart from you... and for someone in a closed situation, the stress of not knowing anything can sometimes be so distracting that it is debilitating. Will I get a phone call out of the blue? Could that child across the restaurant with the piercing blue eyes and chin like mine be the child that I lost?
* That adoption is not a win-win-win situation. Of course, she acknowledged that SOME people experience loss in adoption, but that ultimately, children are provided better homes, childless couples have the opportunity to be parents, and birth parents can go on to pursue a life they could not have had. (Still longing for those emoticons.)
* That women who relinquish do not consider their babies to be "gifts" to a family without children. When I explained that women are selecting a family to meet the needs of their CHILD rather than a family who looks like they deserve a baby, it was an awkward moment.

If this woman, the woman who travels all over the country to head up training for all of Bethany's birth parent counselors, could be so out in la-la land, what does that say? Can you see why I felt so defeated? It starts at the top, folks. I will just go ahead and be blunt and lay it out there. That woman has two choices as far as what is going on with her: either she is deceitful and knows all of this stuff but still feels like she must make it her personal mission to find babies for families OR she is a total flake. Which is it? I'm kinda scratching my head. But that is the best we are offered from the largest adoption agency in the country. Sad, huh?

2) Profile books and "Dear Birthmother" letters.
There are some really serious ethical issues with these things. They are insulting at best and predatory at worst. Then there is the profile book on steroids, called the adoption YouTube video. These, by the way, are wholeheartedly endorsed by Bethany. They are also now endorsing the use of all the major online social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, Flickr...) You can read about it here. One only has to consider the audience reached by using these sites to begin to understand why they are such valuable "tools" for an adoption agency. But we can stick to the scrapbooks for now and have plenty to talk about.

Actually, I am gonna save the profile books for the next post. It is late, and I am starting to feel fuzzy-brained. :) I'm gonna be bad and have a cupcake and then go to bed. But don't you worry. My busy mind will make it impossible for me to sleep, and we'll continue the discussion tomorrow. In the meantime, any thoughts out there?