Troubling Information...

I have about a bazillion things running through my head right now... all the time, actually. Tonight, as a wife, I'm secure... content. As a mom, I'm in love with every wisp of hair and tiny toe. As a daughter, I'm frustrated. As a sister, I'm excited. As a friend, I'm heavy-hearted. As a woman who has relinquished a child, I'm defeated and angry.

I'm gonna elaborate on the latter for now.

I did something completely spur of the moment and very strange for me. I lurked around Ellen's bio dad's profile page on a social networking site. Now before you go scolding me, let me clarify that I have ZERO emotional connection to him. I have no feelings for him, no desire to see him or talk to him. I was just wondering if he is still living in the town I live in. (Kind of having something to do with the update I am trying to write to Ellen's family. But that's for another post.)

To my surprise, he was on the friend list of one of MY friends. The bigger surprise was that his profile is completely public. I then made the second bad decision to help myself to a peek at all the photos he has posted. Honestly, I was simply curious after not seeing him for about 12 years. Then the bomb dropped.

He fathered another child, a beautiful little girl, who appears to be a few years younger than Ellen. Mind you, he is not dating or married to the girl's mother... This was apparently another situation sadly similar to mine... Someone quite a bit younger than he is. The way that I know she is his daughter is based upon the comments on the photos. I had heard rumors years ago that he had "done it again" to someone else, but I just couldn't go there in my head at the time. I brushed it aside as being gossip and nothing more.

And now I have this information that has sent me into a very weird place emotionally. How DARE he do this to someone else? How DARE he carelessly father yet another precious child that he refuses to man-up for? Ellen has another half-sister, and so does this girl, although I would bet money that she has no idea that Ellen exists.

I'm just angry and so very sad. There is so much I want to say to convey to you why, aside from the obvious, this is so maddening. This was no low-life 17-year-old boy from my high school. This was a grown man, eleven years my senior, who was and STILL IS on staff at his church. He carelessly throws around talk of God (Whom he very irreverently refers to as "Papa"), the Holy Spirit, and all sorts of other insincere garbage... all the while living a life that completely contradicts all of those empty words. He grew up in a very privileged situation, and although he has not succeeded in accomplishing anything noteworthy himself, continues to behave as an entitled brat with no regard for the consequences of his actions. He hasn't changed in 14+ years.

I talked to David about it a couple nights ago. I hated to bring it up to him, but number one, I was basically falling apart inside while trying to act like nothing was wrong, and number two, I needed to come clean on what in the world was causing my emotional instability. Of course, things are always strained when I talk with David about adoption stuff. But he tried to be of help. I just kept asking, "Who behaves like that???" His response, "Why do you seem so surprised, Jenni? What do you expect from someone who would basically prey upon a young girl, give her alcohol, take advantage of her, and then abandon her when she becomes pregnant? What did you think you would find?"

You know, honestly, perhaps I was naive. I truly wanted to believe that I might find a totally different person now than he was then. Afterall, I am a totally different person. Look at how blessed I am! Look at how kind the Lord has been toward me! I am a trophy of His mercy and grace. And God has been just as good to others. Why not Ellen's bio dad, as well? I am disappointed in what I found. Very, very disappointed. Sad. Sad for him that he couldn't have made more progress as a human being in the last 14 years. Sad for Ellen that her bio dad is such a loser. Sad for the woman and the little girl in the pictures. Sad that this is the world we live in, where precious children have to experience disappointment and loss.

I have a lot more thinking to do about all of this. It was a very unexpected and strange mix of relief and anger. I am not sure how to adequately verbalize it. It was like there was relief there that my beloved daughter does not have to experience the disappointment of that on a regular basis... Relief that I ended up with someone as unbelievable as David instead of the alternative. Anger towards so much that I have no control over.

I'm glad my profile is private. I'm glad that a search for the name he knows me as would not produce any results. I'm not glad that I have this information. I just don't know what to do with it. Can't fully wrap my brain around it. It hurts. It sickens me. And yet, two days ago was perhaps the first time in YEARS that I had a split second of being thankful that Ellen was far away at that moment... Far away from the knowledge of something so unfair to her. That really was supposed to be part of it... my decision, that is. She was supposed to be protected.