Living in the fear of the Lord

What does that mean, exactly? Does it mean that we are to cower before an angry God who is going to squash us at any moment if we misstep? Nope. :)

This is a subject of utmost significance in how I came to Christ, and it is something that just this last Sunday, I had a awesome, much needed reminder on.

I haven't shared my testimony here yet, because I have been so focused on other things that popped up unexpectedly. I'm not going to go into the whole story in this post, because I'd like to meditate on it more before sharing it here. But I do want to say that the moment that I came to Christ was the first moment that I had ever realized that my problem was that I did not have a right understanding of the FEAR OF GOD. Even growing up in a home with believing parents, I had never, ever acknowledged the authority of God in my life or who I was in relation to who He is. When it finally happened for me, I cannot tell you the HUGE, HUGE burden that fell off. I mean, it really was like a Pilgrim's Progress moment where Christian's burden falls from his shoulders at the cross and rolls down the hill. I hate to be cheesy, so bear with me. :)

That was the moment that changed me forever, because I finally knew how to change my life. It wouldn't be me; it would be God, in conjunction with the finished work of His Son, and the constant help of His Holy Spirit that would make me a different person. I love this quote from one of my pastors, Dr. Sinclair Ferguson...

"What is it that makes this gospel of salvation so glorious? It is rooted in the power of the Trinity. The Holy Spirit comes and arrests our hearts as if to say we are reserved for the Father. The Spirit leads us to Christ, through whom we have redemption and communion with the Father. My salvation is even more vast than I can explain through the death of Christ, for the Trinity worked together in perfect engagement for the capture of my soul."

So having that realization was one of the biggest moments of my life. Like I said, I will write more about it later because I have never been the same since then, but I really want to focus on WHAT it means to me to LIVE in the fear of God...

Psalm 139 sometimes has the curse of familiarity because those who are pro-life love to focus on verses 13-16. Those verses are precious to me too, but not necessarily because I believe abortion is wrong. That is a totally separate issue to me from what the real context of the chapter is. Let's read it, even if you have read it a thousand times...

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

This speaks to me of the fact that nothing can separate me from God's presence. There is nowhere I can go, in body or mind where He cannot be found. His knowledge of me is not passive. It is discriminating in that before I even think a thought He knows is, understands it, interprets the meaning of it and the motive behind it. He is NOT just a spectator. He never "finds anything out". He knows all things as they are - immediately. How do I even begin to comprehend that?

While the Bible identifies many things that we are NOT to fear, it spells out in no uncertain terms that we are to fear God. It tells us that to fear Him is the beginning of wisdom. It is our duty and comfort. But what does it mean to LIVE in that fear? It is to live in the constant awareness of His holiness, His glory, His majesty, His love and ownership of me and all He has made, His kindness toward me, His law for me...

Growing up I always felt like it meant that to fear God was to really FEAR Him. I mean, the kind of fear that makes you sick to your stomach because you know all the bad stuff you do and you know that sinners go to hell and that you want to do right but you just CAN'T all the time. So I definitely got really, really good at saying the right things and being a "good girl" for my parents, teachers, and just about any other adults in my life. But I was scared. Secretly I knew that it was supposed to mean something to me that Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and I knew I had a lot of those), but I was ashamed because honestly, it didn't really make me feel that bad. I know that sounds like a horrible, awful thing to say, but that is just the truth. I mean, it made me feel sad that someone died in such a gruesome way, but I never had a personal connection. It just wasn't there. I had a LOT of guilt over my secret. I was surrounded by other people who declared how much they loved God and were heartbroken by Jesus' sacrifice. I thought I was the most horrible, unfeeling person ever, but I just could not manufacture some emotion that everyone else wanted me to have. I kept that secret until the night that I finally understood WHY there was no connection. I was 21 years old when it happened. I finally had a broken heart that God would love ME.

It begins in the head, is understood in the heart, and evidenced in the hands. It is to know who He says He is, BELIEVE it in faith, and with His enabling, live it in my life. It is to live in the knowledge and awareness of God, factoring Him into ALL of the issues of life. It is a conscious exercise. Being consciously aware of His knowledge of me changes me and my willingness to grieve Him. I mean, do I sin factoring God into it???? Or do I foolishly forget that every sin I commit is committed in His presence; therefore, in his face?

I have recently become more and more aware of things in my life that I know are not honoring to God, yet I ignore them or rationalize them. They are the "respectable sins" that many Christians excuse away as just being a part of your personality or being the result of something that someone else did to cause a reaction or behavior. I need to be more intolerant of the sin that I see in myself. I need to separate from the things that encourage blindness to those offenses. I know I will never even come close to being perfect. I'll sin every single day for the rest of my life. But I do want to live a life that is more and more pleasing to God and of great joy and use to Him. I want to live in such a way that makes a difference in the lives of others so that they can know the same God I know. I just feel like saying sometimes, "If you knew the secret corners of my heart, you would know that I am the WORST person ever! But if God can do a work on me, He can definitely do it for you!

The other obvious outflow of living in that awareness is the benefit it will have for my kids. I cannot teach my children to be something that they do not see every day in my own life. When they see me sin, (and believe me, they do), I can't be afraid to tell them, "You know, I was wrong. I should not have done that because it was not pleasing to God and not loving toward the other person. I'm gonna ask God to forgive me and enable me to not do that again. Will you forgive me, too?" I just want so much to give my kids a better and TRUE perspective of who God is than what I grew up with, so that they can live in the joy of reverence for Him and the blessing of obedience rather than a life full of loveless fear of God and hell.

It starts with ME.