I know, I know...

... I overreacted a little. Ok, maybe a lot. I don't know.

After going through the rest of my weekend and having some really great distractions, I am pleased to say that I feel much more composed now than I did when I wrote the post about the MTV show. My opinion of how Catelynn's relinquishment played out is still the same, but I think I can now discuss everything in a more rational manner. :) I was definitely speaking from a place of extreme sorrow and, well... anger. But I know that my goal is to grow more and more able to properly categorize adoption issues in my heart. There are things that just plain suck, but they are just the natural consequences of creating a person outside of God's design for families. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but one that must be accepted nonetheless. That takes time, but I believe that the Lord not only forgives a truly contrite heart, but that he pours blessing on it as well. He is the perfect balance of justice and mercy... discipline and love. Christ did not hang on the cross for me to live a life as one who has no hope.

Then there are the things that we can have a righteous anger towards. I believe that there are many issues within adoption that legitimately fall into this category. I don't have enough coffee to keep me blogging long enough tonight to list them all, but a few of the big ones were plain as day in the case of Catelynn and Tyler. I don't want to continue to speak in specifics to their story, so I will draw from their experience and then just move forward from there.

I have a mind that does not stop running 90 miles an hour, 24 hours a day. I am never well-rested because of this. :( And my mind keeps taking me back to three MAJOR things that seem to be the perfect recipe for coercion in DIA. Of course, there are lots and lots of rabbit trails to explore, but these few are the things that need to come first.

1) Social worker training.
Ok, so I can speak freely about Bethany because I am not posting this on their site. I can pretty much ONLY speak to their training methods because I actually know a little bit about them. I can't say that about any other agency.

A while back, about 3 years ago, I mentioned to a Bethany SW that I posted on their online forums. She said she was curious but had never logged on. No time for it. Of course, I don't blame her because she was the ONLY bparent counselor at that branch, and she only worked a couple days a week. I'm really not sure how she could keep up, but I digress. During the course of our conversation about the forums, she mentioned to me that the national office was upset over some of the heated discussions that went on. They didn't have a clue as to why bparents and aparents were having such a hard time seeing eye to eye on some ethics issues. The next thing I know... literally about an hour after I left my meeting with her... I get a phone call. IT WAS THE LADY WHO OVERSEES ALL THE BIRTH PARENT COUNSELOR TRAINING NATIONWIDE FOR BETHANY. What???

She has been talking to that SW whose office I just left, and she would like for me to personally walk her through what I believe to be the "problem" on the forums. Afterall, they are very frustrated by it at the national office and want the atmosphere to be restored to a place of positive support for waiting families. (Wish I had emoticons right now.) :)

We actually talked for a long time, and when I got off the phone, I felt so. completely. defeated. A few things I shared with her that she said she had "never even thought about"...
* That birth parents do not "move on" with their lives. They learn to live WITH their grief, and the wound is ripped open with each new chapter of their lives... like getting married, having another baby, experiencing any new big change or other loss. It rips the scab off every time, and you have to start back at square one. Yeah, she said she had totally never considered that before. I explained that it was like a death, but worse because it was so open-ended. For a woman who has relinquished, there is the DAILY thought of the fact that you have a child living apart from you... and for someone in a closed situation, the stress of not knowing anything can sometimes be so distracting that it is debilitating. Will I get a phone call out of the blue? Could that child across the restaurant with the piercing blue eyes and chin like mine be the child that I lost?
* That adoption is not a win-win-win situation. Of course, she acknowledged that SOME people experience loss in adoption, but that ultimately, children are provided better homes, childless couples have the opportunity to be parents, and birth parents can go on to pursue a life they could not have had. (Still longing for those emoticons.)
* That women who relinquish do not consider their babies to be "gifts" to a family without children. When I explained that women are selecting a family to meet the needs of their CHILD rather than a family who looks like they deserve a baby, it was an awkward moment.

If this woman, the woman who travels all over the country to head up training for all of Bethany's birth parent counselors, could be so out in la-la land, what does that say? Can you see why I felt so defeated? It starts at the top, folks. I will just go ahead and be blunt and lay it out there. That woman has two choices as far as what is going on with her: either she is deceitful and knows all of this stuff but still feels like she must make it her personal mission to find babies for families OR she is a total flake. Which is it? I'm kinda scratching my head. But that is the best we are offered from the largest adoption agency in the country. Sad, huh?

2) Profile books and "Dear Birthmother" letters.
There are some really serious ethical issues with these things. They are insulting at best and predatory at worst. Then there is the profile book on steroids, called the adoption YouTube video. These, by the way, are wholeheartedly endorsed by Bethany. They are also now endorsing the use of all the major online social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, Flickr...) You can read about it here. One only has to consider the audience reached by using these sites to begin to understand why they are such valuable "tools" for an adoption agency. But we can stick to the scrapbooks for now and have plenty to talk about.

Actually, I am gonna save the profile books for the next post. It is late, and I am starting to feel fuzzy-brained. :) I'm gonna be bad and have a cupcake and then go to bed. But don't you worry. My busy mind will make it impossible for me to sleep, and we'll continue the discussion tomorrow. In the meantime, any thoughts out there?