A checklist from God

Overall, I feel good.  I feel positive.  I feel scared, but I'm alright.  In working on my letter, I have hope, and I can only live in the present.  I can't forecast grief.  I have to do what I believe is best, with the information that I have available to me (not much), and step out there.  I have continued to go through all the stuff I saved from my first pregnancy, and it is so very interesting to look at it with older eyes, an older mind, and an older heart.  It makes me want to go back and put my arms around the 17 year old who was so lonely and heartbroken.  I have tried to read some of my journal entries, but I am not quite ready to go there, yet.  When I start to read the words, I can actually go back in time in my head and see the room I stayed in at the shepherding home, think of specific moments, songs, smells... It is a sad thing for me.  I don't have a good reason to go back to those places right now, so I am going to set the journal aside until I am able to take on some of the reality of it.

I did come across some notes, though, that I thought might help some of the people out there who have a hard time understanding what my (and so many others') big beef is with Bethany.  I'm not trying to just spew ugliness about them.  Honestly.  But I have begun to realize in this grieving process that a very LARGE part of my grief is that they still counsel women in the same manner I was counseled, and people LOVE them for it.  I mean, they LOVE it.  They praise Bethany's ministry and just can't say enough good about them.  And if you bring up anything negative... look out. LOL

Well, folks, here's a glimpse into one of my counseling sessions during my pregnancy.  I would often take notes while I met with my caseworker, and this is the gem I pulled out of my files today.  It is a list of questions she wanted me to think over and answer for her during our next meeting together regarding my desire to keep my baby.  Hold on tight!

1) Am I truly searching out God's will or my own?

2) Am I being realistic about being able to go to college if I parent?

3) Am I remaining firm in my desire to parent because of outside influences and opinions?

4) Am I doing what is truly best for my child with the right motives?

5) Is my relationship with my parents suffering because I want to parent?

6) Is my relationship with God suffering because of selfishness?

7) Am I willing to humbly obey God's will as He reveals it to me?

8) Do I love God more than my baby?

9) Am I closing my eyes to the doors God is opening because of denial?

10) Am I thankful to God for what He has delivered me from so far?

Surely anyone who will be honest knows that what they just read was very sad.  Do you think that was ministry?  Was that unbiased?  Appropriate for speaking with a 17 year old who is purposefully separated from her parents?  Do you think that is something that I should look back on and respond with a "Thank God Bethany helped me see the light!"  I know the word sad is not very descriptive, but honestly, sometimes a simple word says a lot.  Sad. That is what I am every time I have read back through that today.

It is not ok to counsel women in this way.  It is using guilt and God to manipulate a desired response from someone who is in a vulnerable state physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  The woman who asked me to think on those things was not a tyrant.  She was a sweet, sincere woman in her young twenties who was working on her masters in social work.  She was nice to me.  She wrote kind little notes at the bottom of my form update letters for the first few months of my updates (until she left employment with Bethany to be closer to college friends.)  She was as sweet as candy, but she was SERIOUSLY misguided.  I have no doubt that she was well-intentioned.  I'm sure she felt sorry for me and felt somewhat uncomfortable with my emotional struggles.  I'm sure she probably entered her career with the hopes that she was going to minister to women in unplanned pregnancies and couples who suffered through infertility.  I believe I've heard the career referred to as being a "dream-maker" before? (Tongue in cheek.) 

Anyway, pure intentions or not, she bombed.  But she isn't the only one.  She is one of many, many social workers asking pregnant women if they are searching out God's will for their baby, all the while sending women home from their counseling appointments with those "Dear Birthmother" letters and profile books full of people already calling them a birthmother and praising them for being so selfless and mature and telling them their woes of being childless and having so much love to give.  I'm not being snarky.  I'm letting you into my life for about two minutes.  I'm trying to show you how something that is so important to me, my belief in God and my desire to make a right decision, was used to convince me that I needed to give my baby to someone else who God approved of more.  Go back and read it again if you need to.

I am not angry tonight.  I'm not bitter.  As I said before, I'm sad.  I'm sad that people raise money for this to happen.  I'm sad that when women talk about their experience, others are there to add insult to injury and tell them they just need to find some peace in their life.  I'm sad that so many, many people would suppose that they know God's will for other people's lives.  Maybe that is why they continue to charge so much for their services.  I would imagine that supernatural wisdom like that is worth a pretty penny. LOL

I love my God.  I am at peace with my God.  I trust my God even though I am not certain of what he is doing in my life and my daughter's life.  I live in forgiveness and freedom because He not only died for me, but then rose from the grave to show that he had overcome every evil thing, including death.  Nothing, nothing, can confine Him or test His love for me.  I do not have to accept someone else's definition of who He is or what He asks of me because He reveals Himself to me personally.  This is the hope that everyone in Christ can claim.  If you do not share my faith, I do not expect you to embrace what I am saying, but this is my source of strength and courage and confidence.

I want to write more, but I'll sleep now.

"Let those who fear the Lord say, 'His love endures forever'. In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.  The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"

Psalm 118:4-6

I dit it.

I wrote the letter.  And I feel strange.  I haven't done anything with it, but I guess the next step is to have another set of eyes read it.  I probably need to change a few things that I am not yet aware of. :)  I just kind of poured it all out and there it was.

It feels good to finally have something on paper.  I have procrastinated for so long for what I believed to be very valid reasons.  But it is time to stop hiding behind those reasons and just take a step in faith.

The bad news is that I will have to call Bethany in order to set up a meeting with them and then have them forward the letter.  The good news is that I'm no longer 17, and I don't have to feel intimidated.  It took me a long time to get here, but I'm actually pretty comfortable in my thirty-something skin.  I have some things I'd like to say, and I don't mind saying them.  It's amazing what 15 years of life can do to boost your confidence.

For the first time in a loooong time, I will have some genuine rest as I put my head on my pillow tonight.  I don't know what the future holds or if there will be a lot of heartache because of this letter.  But I have been praying about this for years, and very intensely for the last few months.  I believe it is right to move forward with it.

Is there such a thing as a safe letter?

I've been reading through what little correspondence I have between my first daughter's family and me.  There isn't much to read, but there is a lot to take in.  I have been reading through it in preparation to send them a letter around the time of her birthday.  Her birthday is in a few weeks, and she will be 15.  FIFTEEN.  That is very strange to me.  And yet those years have not passed quickly.

I have realized something very important tonight.  It may seem like a no-brainer to some, but try to be patient with me as I sort through the chaos in my life known as adoption grief. 

I really detest Bethany Christian Services' abhorrent practices,

but I love my daughter's family, and I want them to know that.  I want them to know ME, not some idea of who I might be.

I separate the two entirely in my heart.  It is strange, but true.  They are not Bethany.  They are not doing the same old stuff over and over again to women after me.  They are probably just living their lives the best that they can, and they don't know the heartache I live with.  I believe that they love me, in some way that I cannot explain, because I know that they love my daughter.  So I separate them from the people who still can't seem to understand that they have some major problems in the way they run their business.  And it IS a business.  (Another post for another night.)

I have struggled a lot with the fact that I have to rely on an agency that I don't trust to be the go between for me with a person who holds an enormous part of my heart.  As I have read and re-read the several letters I have from my daughter's family, I see so much to love and to trust.  I see much to respect.  I just have a hard time believing that all those years ago they said they did not want to hear from me anymore.  That is what I was told by the social worker... That it was too hard for my daughter's adoptive mother to be reminded of her adoption.  It was painful for her and hard for her to write back, and they hoped that I would be willing to move on with my life.

We could spend a lot of time talking about that line of thinking, but I don't want to focus on it tonight.  We all know moving on after losing a child in that way is bunk.  Living through it? Living alongside it? Living a "real" life and an "adoption" life? I am familiar with all of that.  But moving on? (Enter silent pause and crickets chirping...) It doesn't exist.  Yeah, I moved on for about 8 or 9 years.  Then I finally admitted that I was dead inside because I was grieving something everyday that no one would acknowledge.  I was expected to be grateful and healed and look back on all of it as a growing experience.  ?????

Anway, I don't have the emotional energy tonight to do justice to my adoption story.  Maybe I can do that at a later time.  The bare bones of it, though, is that I had a semi-open agreement where I was told after TPR that I couldn't know my daughter's name (not even her first name), where I was told that I could not have any more pictures of her after the first year, and where I was told by the social worker that I needed to move on and not ask for update letters after the 5th year.  The end.  Have a happy life.  You are a special person.  God bless you, honey.

(Huge exhale.) I've written a hundred letters since then that have all said something different.  None of them have ever been mailed.  I have always been too scared, or felt like I would somehow "be in trouble", or felt like I would be misunderstood... an irritation, threat, or annoyance to them.  Fifteen years not knowing my daughter's name.  Fourteen years without a picture of her.  Ten years with no word on how her life is going and who she is as a person. 

So much has happened in those years.  What do I share with them?  I want them to know I am happily married and that I have two wonderful children.  I want them to know how I have changed and grown as a person.  I want them to know about my cancers and our other family medical history.  There are some important things there.  I want to know what my first daughter is like.  I want to know her first name.  I feel like it was something that was just stolen from me...  Something that I had a right to know... Something that my grieving heart needed to know...  I did not have a closed agreement.  I would never have let her go if I had known how the contact would play out.  It was part of the "sale" to me, you know?  "Nowdays, you don't have to wonder about your relinquished child.  You can choose the family and stay in touch through letters and pictures.  You never have to wonder how she is doing." Um, it hasn't really worked out for me that way, Bethany.  But I know you still sell it like that.

I want my first daughter to know she has sisters who share some of her DNA.  I believe as a human being she has a right to know that.  I want her to know her adoption story from the person who lived it rather than someone who doesn't know me.  That is something that has always left me scratching my head because I read something peculiar very often in people's online profiles who are waiting to adopt and wanting a semi-open or closed agreement.  I want to know how you can promise to always tell a child about their "birthmom" and how she loved them so much when you will basically know nothing about her?  I guess it can go back to that quote, "If I loved my child any less, they'd still be with me." It has to be that the couple has already bought into all of that mess.  But I digress.  Back on track...

I didn't know that my state had no revocation period.  I didn't know that I didn't have to sign.  I didn't know that I was abandoning her.  I didn't know that I would be writing all of this 15 years later.  I didn't know that I would think of her every single day for the rest of my life.  I didn't know that I would be a great mom.  I didn't know.  I didn't know.  And I HATE myself for that.

So what do you write to someone when you stick your neck out and try to contact them after so long?  Will they be less wary of me since their children are all so much older?  Have they learned more about what adoption is really like just as I have?  DID THEY REALLY DESIRE TO END CONTACT LIKE THE SOCIAL WORKER SAID? Have they been wondering all along why I haven't written?  Will they rejoice or hold me at arms length?

I have been thinking over the last few months about whether or not to write a real letter or a safe letter.  I think I know now that there really is no such thing for me as a safe letter.  I just have to put my heart out there and know that I might be rejected.  The problem is that I am afraid of how I might react internally if that is what happens.  I'm not asking for anything different than what we originally agreed to.  I'm not asking them to let me into their lives or to have visits or to even write a letter directly to my daughter.  I just want her to know me from my own words.  And I want to know who she is and how she feels.

I'm going to choose to believe that her parents were as ill-prepared for and uninformed about adoption as I was.  I am going to write that letter as if they are ecstatic to be reading it.  I am going to tell them about my life and ask about theirs.  I am going to do all of this with expectant hope.  I am going to do it.  Now I just need someobody to prop me up as it all shakes out.  It is not an option to not send it this time.

My chest hurts. Breathe, Jenni.

Loving for the Greater Good?

In reading from my blog roll today, I came across some posts by Cassi and Myst regarding the school of thought that it is a greater form of love to relinquish a child than to parent them.  Their posts were sparked by a quote from another site that read, "If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me."  Needless to say, from the perspective of a woman who has relinquished, this is going to dig up some memories and emotions. 

As I read through their posts, I found myself identifying with a lot of the same feelings, but I had a little different spin on it, as well.  I thought I'd bring the discussion here and see if anyone wants to jump in.  I welcome all points of view.  I only ask that everyone be courteous and respectful of viewpoints that differ from their own.  So, no name calling, profanity or general nastiness; although, spirited, intelligent discussion is encouraged! :)  I am not really challenged to think outside of my own viewpoint if I am just called a "hater" (I left my hip hop dictionary back in middle school) or bitter and angry. (See previous post.) As an aside, I'd like to add that it confounds me that I could offer my heart up in sincerity and still be labeled a "hater" by another person who shares my faith, but I'm more interested in moving on to productive dialogue.

So back to the subject at hand, in thinking about what these other women who have lost children had to say, it occured to me that we haven't touched on the fact that as expectant moms, we were given incorrect pictures of the people waiting to adopt our children.  I am gonna come at this one from the perspective of having relinquished through a Christian adoption agency.  I know that is not the experience of everybody out there, so I'd like to hear other's experiences as well.

I was most definitely encouraged to relinquish for the following reasons: 1) I was unmarried, and my daughter's father, although 11 years older, was about at my same emotional maturity level that I was at 17.  2) I had not yet gone to college, and it was going to be a big financial strain on me to provide for my daughter. She would have to go to daycare all day while I worked my tail off.  3) I was told I did not have the wisdom and discernment at my age to parent a child. 4) I was told that it would be extremely difficult for me to find a decent husband if I was a single mom.  Nobody would want to take on all my "baggage".  Go ahead and swallow the vomit that just came up into your mouth, and then read on. :)

So there you have it.  And I guess at face value, some of those ARE important issues to explore when you are facing parenthood.  Parenthood is not playing house.  But what those issues are not are automatic reasons to give your child away to someone else.  Did I need to find some solutions to my current situation?  Oh yeah.  Babies DO need financial provision.  They DO need to be nurtured spiritually and emotionally on top of meeting their physical needs.  But the point I am getting to is that, at the time, I was told that giving my child to a waiting family was going to secure all of these things for her.  Afterall, Bethany screens all of their adoptive parents and puts them through such a rigorous application process and homestudy, right?  Well, it certainly is a sea of paperwork and questions that adoptive parents have to wade through if you go through an agency.  I will definitely give you that.  But you know what I have found in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been developing relationships with adoptive parents?  They are not superhuman.  They are just normal, everyday people who want to be parents.  Some of them have a lot of money.  Some don't.  Some are married.  Some are single or divorced.  Some are educated and some are not.  Some are discerning and some just got off the banana boat.  Some are very knowledgeable about their faith, and some haven't cracked open their Bible in months or years or ever.  I am not saying this to be critical, I am saying this to put it out there in the open that couples who are waiting to adopt are just everyday, real, fallible people like anyone else.  Many are phenomenal people, and many are real jerks.  The fact that they have completed adoption paperwork and created a scrapbook or a YouTube video does not make them any wiser, or richer or loving. They are just human beings.  At the core, they are just the same as parents who relinquish.

Before I go any further, I want to say that my intent is not to harm any of my friends who might be reading who are mothers through adoption.  I am actually very thankful to have made friends with women and men who can offer me a glimpse into the world of an adoptive parent.  It has helped me to understand more of my own situation, and that has brought some relief to me as I have grieved my closed adoption.  You have let me into your lives and been honest with me about the not-so-lovely parts of adoption from your perspective, and even though that can be painful for me, it opens my mind up to experiences outside my own.  But I am about to open up another can, and I wanted to warn anyone reading that what follows might be hard to read at first...

It pains me to no end that I was deemed not good enough to parent my daughter for the reasons mentioned above, when agencies will turn around and allow single parent adoption, give loans and grants to people who cannot afford to adopt, allow people who are going through bankruptcy to adopt, allow people with no education and minimum wage jobs to adopt, allow people to adopt and then stick their children in daycare all day, and so on and so forth.  I have seen so many people come to discussion forums with all their worries because of bankruptcy, divorce, criminal records, trying to hurry up and find a church to attend for a while so that they can get a pastoral reference letter - then leave the church, and so on and so forth.  So, why is it that I wasn't good enough for their approval and help? Why is it that someone else could be in a similar circumstance to me at the time I relinquished my own daughter, but they are somehow "better" than me?  In some twisted way, I must love to my own harm for the sake of my daughter, so that she can have the opportunity to go to this dream family.  So I was told.

I believed this stuff.  I cried and cried at how torn I was.  I LOVE my firstborn.  I have loved her from the moment I knew of her existence.  Knowing her due date and being told that adoption was the best way I could show love to her was like knowing the day that someone was going to die.  You live in a perpetual state of nausea all the time (and it's not pregnancy-induced.)  I dreamed of leaving the hospital with her and just running away and making a life for myself.  But then I would be this awful, selfish, immature outcast.  And afterall, I would ruin her, right?  She deserved so much more than me.  She deserved the BEST.  Let me tell you, when I had that lighbulb moment and realized the facade of the rich, superhuman, all-wise, perfect adoptive family, I didn't know how I would live through it.  The grief that engulfed me was so crushing that I could hardly function.  When I went to my agency to discuss this discovery and emotional turmoil, they didn't know what to do with me.  Because they still didn't get it.  Even though they realize that waiting families are just normal people, there is still somehow this gigantic disconnect there about why they are not BETTER, just DIFFERENT from parents who relinquish.

I'm not trying to criticize anybody who finds themselves in any of the above-mentioned life circumstances.  Life happens and people lose jobs, find themselves in financial hardship, go through divorce (sometimes when they have no choice).  And of course there is the whole working mom and daycare vs. stay-at-home-mom discussion which I have no desire to wade into. People make the choices they deem best for their own families.  But I think you get the point I am trying to make, though.  Why was it more loving of me to consider giving my daughter to another mother who might put her in daycare when that is what I was facing? Why would it have been more loving of me to give her to a family who also didn't have much financially?  Why was it stressed to me that I was cheating my daughter out of having a father when the agency approves single parents?  I have seen marriages fall apart within a year or two after finalizing.  Do they have to give back their adopted children? I've never heard of it.  Of course not.  That is unimaginable.  Better yet, do people with bio children who go through hardships have an expectation put on them to just relinquish their kids because they are going through a rough time?  Um, nope.

So you see what I'm getting at.  Where is this truth in loving for the greater good?  Why was it more loving of me to give away my child rather than parent when I could have been placing her into similar circumstances to my own?  For the record, I'm not going to give specifics of my daughter's aparents' situation.  But I am thankful to say that they are a stable, solid, and I believe, discerning family.  My pain over their closing the adoption does not reflect on my confidence in their ability to parent my daughter well.  But I believe that my daughter's parents are by far NOT the norm from what I have seen over and over and over again among couples waiting to adopt.

Sometimes, I dislike how things have turned into a bit of an "I told you so" when it comes to how my life played out after relinquishment.  I have a very blessed life.  I had a fabulous job with a lot of respect, perks and privleges up until I made the decision to be a stay at home mom.  I have a rock solid husband who loves me, is a wonderful dad, and a hard-working provider for our family.  I have two precious daughters who I get to be with every day.  They bring so much joy into my life.  But I have actually had people CALL ME ON THE PHONE (3 different people, in fact) and ask me to talk to someone they know and convince them to relinquish their unborn child because it worked out so well for me.  I am not kidding around.  People misinterpret the blessings in my life to mean that they are BECAUSE I "made the right choice".  It hurts my chest a little to type that out.  It actually makes me need to breathe in and out deeply to release some of the strain of it.  I think it is really sad that I am still being told that adoption results in a fairy tale.  That anything good in my life cannot be because of resolve, back-breaking work, and determination, nevermind the grace and mercy of God, but it all has to be about that pivotal point in my life when I gave away my child.  Well, it was a pivotal point, alright.  It was the day that part of me died and went away forever.  It was the day that something so inconceivably awful happened that I have spent every day for the last 15 years trying to live life in spite of it.  Sorting through many, many layers of thought and realizing that what I once was told - that I was loving to my own harm for the life of another... that I was submitting to God and obediently giving my daughter something better - those were all just human words and ideas. 

I do know that there are women out there who cannot mother their children.  I know of the situations of people I love and respect, and their children's first moms have made and continue to make choices that bring about pain and difficulty in their lives and the lives of their relinquished children.  I'm not condoning a child being in an unhealthy or harmful environment.  Unfortunately, sometimes it really is necessary for children to be separated from their biological families.  But that is not really what we are talking about here.  We have been talking all along about convincing someone who loves their child that the BEST way they can love them is by giving them away.  And let me tell you... the kind of mother who falls victim to this line of thinking is the kind of mother who would move heaven and earth to provide physically, emotionally, and spiritually for her child if only encouraged and supported.  When will we begin offering the same support and understanding to biological mothers that we offer to people who long to adopt a child?  Why is it so wonderful to hold fundraising banquets and concerts with the intention of raising money for people who cannot afford to adopt?  I have more thoughts on all of that, but I have written enough.  I'll let it marinate and give myself a bit of a breather. :)

I encourage you to open up your heart to realities outside your own.  Adoption counseling is STILL going on in the manner I described in my situation.  In fact, I have been doing a little digging into some of Bethany's resources that they make available to "crisis pregnancy counselors", expectant parents, and waiting couples.  You will definitely want to know how they are currently marketing adoption, and how they are continuing to present an inaccurate at best and deceptive at worst picture about relinquishment.  But I digress...  Thanks for reading.

Angry and bitter... Bitter and angry...

I wanted to talk about those things tonight.  I've been thinking about so, so much for the last couple of weeks, but life has just prevented me from getting my thoughts down on the computer.  Sick husband, sick kids.  Husband working hundred hour weeks, me getting sick.  Sewing some things for my sister's nursery and helping her get ready for her first baby (who is, as of tonight, 5 days overdue) ...  Things have just piled up.  In fact, I should REALLY be cleaning the kitchen right now.  But I need to take a few minutes for myself to let some thoughts out.  Nobody will die if there are some dishes in the sink in the morning.  They'll keep. :)

There are certainly no shortage of perceptions of women who have relinquished children. There are many labels that get tossed around, and I've been called most of them. :) Some by well-meaning people who were looking for the kind and compassionate thing to say, and some who definitely intended to wound me... But the funny thing is, whether meant for good or meant for harm, I don't think anyone has hit the nail on the head yet. :)  When you're a "birth mom" (I'll use that term because that is the Goliath of labels,) people like to think that they have you figured out. I'm not really sure why that is. But my hypothesis is that there are so many myths about WHY women relinquish children, and HOW that process takes place, and WHO these people really are... that the truth just gets lost in the mix.  The real voices are small, and the paid ones are loud.

In all honesty, I believe that it is much more comfortable for the majority of people to assign a label or embrace an existing one than to open themselves up to the stories of people living through adoption. I mean, since we are being honest here, let's just acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and put it out there - that many people have a NEED to put birth moms (and adoptees) in a box that is comfortable for them, because to do otherwise would require a lot of introspection, hearing new and difficult things, and rethinking a lot of the old widely accepted warm fuzzies about ADOPTION. I think of it like looking into one of those mirrors that magnifies things so that you can see really up close... I look great when I have my makeup all done if I am just looking into a normal mirror! LOL But if I lean in close to the smaller one mounted to the side of my bathroom countertop, I can see that underneath all my Mary Kay are some pores, fine lines, and the occasional wirey little chin hair that must be plucked immediately! (Had to have a little bit of a laugh.:) ) But even if I didn't have that magnifying mirror to show me, those imperfections would still be there. Truth is truth, regardless of if you want to stare it in the face or cover it up with something prettier and more lovely to look at.

It IS uncomfortable to think about adoption as anything other than beautiful and bittersweet and sacrificial and a ministry because if you do, that leaves you with some SERIOUS you know what to sort through. If you dissect those myths and labels, then you will have to go to some painful places and do some soul-searching. You may have to travel down a path that does not meet your expectations for what you NEED adoption to be. It is much, much easier to accept and embrace the status quo, because, to use a southern term, it is dolled up to perfection. All the marketing,and tearful concerts, and fundraisers, and videos set to sappy music, and National Adoption Month, and Sanctity of Life Sundays, etc... But I know you have more common sense than that! I believe that if you take a moment to think for yourself, you will see that behind all of that perfectly orchestrated, professionally designed and marketed hooplah, you have REAL living, breathing souls whose lives are PERMANENTLY changed, often because of an emotional appeal and pretty packaging.

And into the mix comes this phenomenon of believing that if you have anything critical to say of the current adoption system in this country, that you are just angry and bitter and need to find some peace in your life. It actually makes me smile a bit as I type that out.  Any criticism or evaluation or judgment of how the process takes place is deemed "anti-adoption" and immediately cast aside as having no validity or credence - ESPECIALLY if it has come from the mouth of a birth mother.  I'll even stick my neck out there and go one step further to say that within the community of Christians, it is almost sacrilege.  But it is true, isn't it?  I mean, let's be frank.  I grew up with adoption agencies coming into my church with tearful speakers on the beauty of adoption and the dire need for people to support it so that we could reduce abortions and provide loving homes for unwanted children. I mean, who wouldn't want to jump on that train??  Um, anybody with even half a heart! :)  Little did I know then that there is a false correlation between the decision to relinquish vs. the decision to abort.  But it sure did sound serious at the time. 

And then there is all of the talk about how as believers, we are all adopted into the family of God... and that Moses and Samuel and Esther and Jesus were all adopted... Look at how much God LOVES adoption!  Nevermind the fact that, although indeed we ARE adopted into the family of God, and although all those others were in essence adopted as we read about in the Bible, all of those examples are nothing, nothing, nothing at all, not in the least, similar to how DIA works today.  No resemblance at all.  So I think it would be much more accurate to say that God, in His perfection and wisdom DOES use adoption to carry out His decrees and that He does indeed take great pleasure in working out His will as He sees fit.  He takes pleasure in caring for His children and in meeting all of our needs (notice I did not say "wants".)  But that is not the stamp of approval on adoption - even big Christian adoption agencies.  I want to talk further about the whole subject of the sovereignty of God and the sinful acts of men and how that relates to adoption, but it seems more fitting for another time.  I guess that would also take us off on a pretty big rabbit trail...  I think of Joseph's words to his brothers when he said to them, "Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." (Genesis 50:20)

And so that brings me back to the whole angry and bitter label, because I just really long for people to be able to make a distinction between what it looks like to really be bitter or to learn to live alongside grief by laying it at the foot of the cross every day... To be able to submit to a God who sits on the throne of the universe and "neither slumbers nor sleeps" and yet have a morally justifiable anger against unethical practices of those who have the word "Christian" in their name or who call their actions a ministry.  It is not acceptable to paint things a simple black or white in adoption.  We can't say, well God is FOR adoption, and this is a Christian agency, so if you have a problem, you just need to heal and find peace because you are hurting.  No, what we would do better to say is, God does orchestrate the lives of people to include adoption.  He does all things well.  But He will still hold the guilty accountable for wrongs committed against others.  He does not condone dishonesty or greed or selfishness EVEN IF the end result sometimes looks favorable on the outside.  Does the God who spoke the earth into existence, who caused a 90 year old Sarah to bear a child, who parted the sea for the children of Israel, who caused the sun to stand still for Joshua, who sent fire from heaven for Elijah and David and Solomon, who shut the mouths of lions for Daniel, (we could go on and on and on...) Is that the God who needs man to delude, connive or persued people in order to accomplish His purpose?  Not the God I serve. (Sorry, Susannah and I are on a role during her Bible time looking through all the accounts in the Old Testament where God miraculously intervened for His people, so I have those people on the brain. LOL)

So, I guess if you are compelled to label me, you might want to call me a misfit. :) Because I am not anti-adoption.  I am pro reform in adoption.  I am a woman who labels herself a follower of God, a woman who is learning to live with and submit to the immense loss that adoption has brought into my life, a person who seeks justice and transparency and change in our current adoption system for the health and protection of everyone involved, and a mother who looks forward with expectant hope to what I will learn in the future about what God has been doing all along, for our good and for His glory.  You see, as I said before, it is never just black or white.

An Unexpected Mercy

I wanted to move on tonight from the unexpected minor turn of events that my recent blog post produced.  But I have unfinished business, and it's not really with another blogger. It is pretty much with myself.  When I wrote the post that stirred the pot, I honestly had no idea that more than a handful of friends would even read it.  I was using my personal blog as a personal sounding board, and I naively thought that I would merely be venting my discouragment in a fairly private way.  Ummm, no.  So, first of all, I guess that I can say lesson learned as far as foolishly thinking that anything on the internet is remotely private.

I wouldn't say that my feelings were hurt, but rather, that another big fat scoop of my dignity was carved out and slung aside.  And the cherry on top was that it came, yet again, from someone who shares my faith.  From someone who I kind of dare to trust just by virtue of the fact that we would probably identify with one another in so many ways outside of the world of adoption.  So in response to that, I let it fly.  I opened the floodgates of ugliness and it just spewed out.  I am not saying that I retract the essence of what I was saying, or the points I was trying to make, for I stand pretty firmly behind everything that I said; but the way that I said it was just alltogether... well, just ugly.  Meanspirited.  I felt like she bit hard, and I bit back.  I think it is ok to be blunt.  I think it is ok to speak plainly.  I think it is important that we firmly stand behind what we believe to be truth.  But I don't believe that it is ok to be vicious while doing it.

I really struggle with the fact that I have experienced the most hurt in my adoption journey, from the moment I walked into Bethany all the way up to now, from a community of people who know and serve the same God I do. Christians who think adoption is very beautiful do not really know how to wrap their brains around a Christian who embraces any other view. They pull out their examples of Moses and Samuel and ALWAYS Jesus in an attempt to say that the Bible is very pro-adoption... all the while discarding the fact that adoption in the Bible looks absolutely nothing like domestic infant adoption in modern day America. There really IS another side to the coin - another way of thinking that does not embrace that skewed view but at the same time is not anti-adoption. I'm certainly not anti-adoption, but I digress... I don't think there is really a label for me, and I'm good with that.



I spent a good bit of time hashing it all out in my mind as I went about my day today, and I thought, "I just need to let go of this and get back to sorting out the thoughts that I have regarding this letter to Ellen's family and what I've been soaking up from people in reunion regarding expectations and preparation."  I crawled into bed and opened up my Bible to spend some time reading.  I wanted to unwind and read something to meditate on as I went to sleep.  But a little fragment of a verse just kept popping into my head.  I knew it was somewhere in Galatians, so I turned there and just started reading a bit.  I found what I was looking for, but also, so much more.  Paul was talking to the church in Galatia about their freedom in Christ and the disagreement they were having with one another about circumcision and the law.  At this point, you are thinking I have lost my marbles and that I am off on a rabbit trail about something unrelated.  But I hope you'll bear with me as I share this with you...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.  The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.  So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious... hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy...  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit... Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."  (Portions from Galatians 5 and 6 - emphasis mine.)

When I am really contemplating a passage, I often like to see what the old-timers had to offer in their wisdom, and tonight Matthew Henry was my choice.  This is what he had to say...

"The gospel is a doctrine according to godliness, (1Ti 6:3), and is so far from giving the least countenance to sin, that it lays us under the strongest obligation to avoid and subdue it. The apostle urges that all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. If Christians, who should help one another, and rejoice one another, quarrel, what can be expected but that the God of love should deny his grace, that the Spirit of love should depart, and the evil spirit, who seeks their destruction, should prevail? Happy would it be, if Christians, instead of biting and devouring one another on account of different opinions, would set themselves against sin in themselves, and in the places where they live." (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible)

Well, there's nothing like having God send a couple of old dead guys from the 1st and 16th centuries to admonish you. :)  Since I'm being honest here, I'll admit that I am not completely all there yet in my heart regarding how I have received some of the comments written to me, but nevertheless, I must let go of them.  Afterall, it was "for freedom that Christ has set me free." (Galatians 5:1) I can't live in the prison of other people's opinons of me or what total strangers have to say. 


So I retire tonight knowing that I have been reproved for my tone and my lack of self-control towards another person for whom Christ died.  It is strange that the realization of that can restore my peace, but that is just one of the many mysteries of God.

Rebekah, if you are reading this by chance, I think we both know that we are going to see things very, very differently when it comes to adoption.  I still stand behind my adoption views, and I'm sure you stand behind yours.  But the next time I disagree with you, if I am tempted to be caustic rather than temperate, I will bite my tongue before I bite you.

A Quick Response...

First of all, thanks for all of the comments and support. I appreciate it more than you know, and I was especially glad to hear from a first dad. (Talk about a voice that rarely has the opportunity to be heard.)


To those who commented in defense of the blogger I mentioned, I do understand your defense of your friend, and that is to be expected. But I wanted to respond to just a couple of things you said…

“I understand your point of view but don't believe that her answer to your question was anything less then perfect. She can use whatever words she sees fit in her blog and like she posted, if the other Rebekah did not like them then she would let her know. Its not a problem in thier relationship.”

If you truly did understand my point of view, you would understand how dismissing it, complete with painting a picture of “exaggerated eye-rolling” was not only less than perfect, but rude, arrogant and frankly, small-minded for someone who claims to be so progressive in the realm of adoption talk. How can you dedicate so much of a blog to raising up your child’s first mom to status of selfless hero and then diminish other women like her to “overly-sensitive”, “stand-off-be-careful what you say around me”, and “unwelcoming”? Those were her exact words, hence the quotation marks. Here is another revelation that will probably ruffle your feathers: She may think that her relationship with her son’s birth mom is one of a kind and that Rebekah will be totally honest with her and tell her everything she is feeling. Well, if Rebekah is truly, TRULY sharing with her all of her deepest, most raw and honest emotions about the adoption, then their relationship really IS one of a kind!  Because in 15 years and meeting hundreds of other first moms and adoptive moms (many of them in fully open adoptions), the resounding answer I have always gotten is “I share some things, but there is no way I would ever be completely honest with my child’s adoptive mom about what I am going through. It is too risky and would damage the relationship.” That would also mean that it is creating a false sense of hope for all of her many blog followers to have the same “one of a kind” relationship that, in reality, does not exist. Don’t get me wrong. Of course there are plenty of healthy adoption relationships out there. But they are healthy because both parties know what to share and what to hold close. There is never FULL disclosure.

“The presents that were sent to Ty's birthmother were nothing less then to show kindness. You on the other hand took the blog post to a way different level and spoke what you believed rather then what was actually ment. It was thoughtful. Very thoughtful and for you to metion some of the things you did were out of line honestly.”

I will concede that it may have very well been MEANT as a kind gesture. Rebekah has certainly demonstrated in many previous posts that her heart is as big as Texas. But there is no way that you can defend her posting it, complete with pictures, as being appropriate. It was lacking in discernment at best and arrogant at worst. Shall we all post a list online of all of the charitable work that we do, complete with a listing of those on the receiving end and their very personal life circumstances that merit that charity? You just can’t defend that when you pry all of the warm fuzzies off of it and look at it for what it really is. Not a good idea and probably very privately hurtful to Rebekah. Here we are, complete strangers to her, now discussing the fact that she couldn’t buy Christmas for her kids. How degrading.

“Do you really think God is giving her that many readers because He she is the type of person you are describing here?”

I do not consider it necessarily to be a stamp of approval from God to have hundreds of blog followers. There are plenty of mega-churches out there with massive numbers of members and the message from the pulpit is complete emptiness. It is a message of self-help and self-esteem rather than truth. I honestly believe that Rebekah has so many followers because she represents what people WANT to have and what they want to see adoption as. I think it is great that she speaks a positive message about open adoption. I honestly do. But the comments from her followers are often dripping with clichés and worn out misconceptions about adoption. There isn’t a ton of education happening. It is more like a person who reads a romance novel or watches a soap opera in anticipation of the next installment of something to make them feel good and heart-warmed.

“She isn't who you are taking her for. I know her in real life. She is doing her best to tell an honest story - as are you - and that is the end if it. Please, do what God would want you to do. Be slow to wrath, filled with forgiveness for someone has not walked in your shoes. She can only know what she has lived, not what you have.”

Really and truly, I am not taking her for anything but sincere. I am not judging her motives or calling her a bad person. But as you have pointed out, she can only know what she has lived, not what I have. Not what many other people much farther down the road than she (adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents alike) are currently living with. So in light of that, perhaps it would be really wise not to dismiss what others have to offer, especially when it is offered in kindness and temperance and respect. I would think standing on a soapbox and rolling eyes is not going to open the door to better communication.

Again, I really do appreciate the support and comments received, even the ones that were not so supportive.  Because at least a dialogue is created, and that is a place to start.

I realize that I certainly have a lot of grief to work through.  Why do you suppose that is?  Is it because I am that one misfit who fell through the cracks of the awesome "ministry" that the adoption industry has toward unwed mothers?  I know I am not an anomaly.  Unfortunately, I have met way too many people, from all walks of life, who have had pretty much the same experience.  We are an ecclectic group, but we have such eerily similar adoption histories and burdens to bear. 

I came across a verse today that I had read before but never applied to myself.  I think it is very fitting for me at this stage of my journey...

"Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.  Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart." Job 22:21-22

For me, it really is about submission to Him at this juncture.  Definitely not about submission to what other people think I should feel or what makes them feel good.

I'm speechless for a title on this one...

It is super late.  I should be asleep.  I was just about ready to set my laptop aside and turn off my lamp when I decided to check my blog reader for any last minute new posts from friends.  I should have just gone to sleep.

I follow a particular blog that I know I should just remove from my reader because it usually leaves me with really frustrated feelings.  I used to actually really like it, but I have gotten a little sour on it.  It is a very popular adoption blog written by an adoptive mother, and she has hundreds of blog followers.  I won't list it, lest I stir something up.  You may be able to guess if you follow it as well. 

Anyway, a couple weeks ago she posted about sending her son's first mom a bunch of Christmas presents because the woman's other children didn't have much for Christmas.  It was a huge family ordeal, and the adoptive family's extended family got all involved and basically inundated this woman with presents through the mail.  Of course, there was not a dry eye in the comment section after she posted pictures of her little boy sitting amid all the presents he was going to send to his "birth mom".  I had mixed feelings about that, as I felt it was 1) really "big" of her to do such a benevolent thing and then boast about it, including pictures, on her well-read blog and 2) very patronizing to her son's first mom.  I can see if she sent a few things personally, but to let your entire extended family know that someone is poor and cannot afford much of a Christmas for their children... I don't know... It just seemed like maybe her intention was noble but she missed the mark by a mile.

Of course, along the way in her post, she spoke of how she couldn't help but give back to the woman who gave her the gift of her son, and she just kept that theme going.  It raised my blood pressure for a few days, and then I decided that I had to release myself from the angst this total stranger was causing me.  It was silly to let it eat me up when she was at home with warm fuzzies over what she had done.  So I prayed about it, and I decided I would just contact her and let her know that her perception of her child as a gift from his first mom is not the most accurate way to look at things when you consider the mind of a first mom.  I wanted to be kind and respectful, and I hoped she would recieve what I had to say.  Here is what I wrote to her:

"I have been reading your story for a while now, and first of all, I want to say that I do enjoy your posts. You have a wonderful way of verbalizing emotions that really touches others. There is something that I really wanted to bring up, though, because you have used the same terminology in several posts. It is the reference of Ty as a "gift" to your family from his birth mom. I realize that so many people view adoption this way, and that it might be hard to view it any other way, if you are on the receiving end of things. :) But I'd love for you to consider the perspective of many, many women who have relinquished their children to adoptive families: Our children were not gifts to their families, but rather, those families were our gifts to our children. :) Never once did I ever have the desire to give my child to another family in order to provide something to them or to fill a void in their lives. I did not pity them because of their infertility or feel like I could do something to make a difference in their lives. Afterall, the people who would parent my daughter were total strangers to me. But she was my flesh and blood. My heart and soul. Everything to me. Why would anyone ever give a person away for the sake of anyone else? It just wouldn't happen. ;) I know that may sound harsh, but I don't intend for it to be read that way. When that sickening cloud settled on me with the truth that I would not be able to parent (I was very young), my goal was to find the best family to be to her what I could not be. So my every thought was toward her and what I could do for her as her mother, even in my absence from her... And that was to give her a family that would be as close to what I wished I could be. She is now almost 15 years old. I have a lot of love for her family, but I still could never ever consider her a gift to them.


It pains me when parents refer to their adopted children as gifts. I know that there is no malintent there... nothing but joy and thankfulness. :) I have heard many adoptive parents speak in those terms, and they always seem to be coming from a place of love and gratitude. But I just wanted you to hear what I and so many other women have known for many years... Our babies are not the gifts. Their families are the gifts, hand-picked by their mothers with an immeasurable amount of love and heartache.



Thanks for letting me express this to you. I really do enjoy reading your blog, and I hope that you will receive this from my heart in the manner in which it was intended.

Blessings,


Jenni


Natural Mother, Wife, and Mom to two precious little girls"

Here is what she wrote back to me via a public post on her blog tonight:

"I don't have the exact wordage on this last one because I couldn't find the email, but someone questioned my "gift" terminology when refering to Ty. It was not a nasty anonymous hater, rather it was a sincere birth mother. The premise of the note was that it bothered her that adoptive families view their children as gifts when that was not the birth mother's intent. She said she did not give her child to an adoptive family as a gift for the family, but instead gifted her child with a family...that her concern was not that the family could or could not have children. It was that her child would have the best family possible.


I am thoughtful when it comes to adoption and try to look at every angle to make sure I'm not missing the best view, but my commenters also get exaggerated eye rolls from me when I feel their being oversensitive. My intent [here] is not to offend, I completely understand where the above birth mother is coming from and before she mentioned it, I had never contemplated her point. But, in general, there is so much insecurity when it comes to political rightness, it drives me batty. Adoption is not an exception. We get so caught up in terminology - birth mother/first mother, gave baby up/made an adoption plan, real mother vs. adoptive mother, etc., etc.


I just don't get it. {Enter Soapbox Rebekah} Mixed in all the "right" word mumbo jumbo is a stand off be-careful-what-you-say-around-me attitude, that isn't welcoming to anyone. Now, hear me, if Rebekah was sensitivie to any of the above examples, we would absolutely honor her with our words, but thankfully, we are in one accord on this. The adoption community can be too sensitive (and it's mostly on the adopting family side).


It honestly doesn't phase me when someone asks about Ty's "real" mom. I know my place in Ty's life and don't feel the need to defend it. Most inquirers are new to all things adoption and don't know how to play by our PC-rules. Regularly, I refer to Rebekah as "Ty's mom" or the birth father as "Ty's dad." I don't do it on purpose, it's just natural - they are Ty's mom and dad.

I was thinking, today about this whole issue and immediately John 3:16 came to mind - "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son..." It doesn't read: God so loved the world that he made a crucifixion plan for his one and only son. So why do I have to avoid using "gave up" when talking about Rebekah and Ty? Doesn't it sound less substantial and selfless to say Rebekah made an adoption plan? Rebekah did more than make an adoption plan for Ty... she gave her sweet baby boy to me...so that he could have a daddy and a life full of opportunity.


Maybe if we all met on common ground we could start communicating openly.... {Soapbox Rebekah is done}


All that to say, whether Rebekah meant Ty to be a gift to our family or not, he is. He is the greatest gift I've ever received. And although Rebekah paid a great sacrifice, the Master Giver is my heavenly Father."

Nice.  So I am just being too PC. (Those of you who know me must be careful not to choke if you are eating and drinking at the moment.) :)  I don't know what I am talking about.  Afterall, I am just a birthmother who is overly sensitive.  You know what?  I am sensitive.  But I have had to swallow all of the bunk that has been spoonfed to me and so many others for so long.  Women like me often don't have a voice at all.  It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel becuase nobody really wants to hear any of that.  I love to write, and I try to use that ability to verbalize my feelings as a way to give a face and a voice to other women like me.  It is not an issue of being PC and just using certain terminology for the comfort of others.  But repeatedly referring to your adopted child as a gift from their birth family is a demonstration of a fundamental misunderstanding of how relinquishing families think and feel.... of the process most of them go through.  Why must it always be about "birthmothers" being overly sensitive?  When will people begin to see that words are not just merely words, but rather, the words we use are an indication of what is in our minds and hearts?  The adoptive mother stated herself the before my comment she had never even considered it before.  Yet she immediately dismisses the issue, on her self-described soapbox, and wants us to "all find some common ground so that we can communicate openly." Well, I TRIED to respectfully communicate with her in kindness and gentleness.  It was VERY difficult for me.  And then it was just discarded?  But she is an expert in her mind.  How many "birth mothers" do you think that blogger knows?  How many do you think her readers know?  Apparently, in her mind it doesn't matter because she has enough wisdom in her 6 months as an adoptive mother to impart it to people who are willing to pay for it.  Read on...

The beginning of her blog post was to ask for prayer as she is moving forward with writing and publishing a book about adoption.  The thing is, I'm sure she will eventually get her book deal because she has a cult-like following of hopeful adoptive parents who just eat up her every word and leave tear-filled comments about how wonderful she is and how they want their adoption to be just like hers.  There was even a comment from a social work grad student who was so inspired that she hopes to be a "dream maker" one day for couples who can't have biological children.  I don't know whether to laugh or be sick.  She, in all of her "wisdom", will write another adoption book, complete with beautiful pictures of herself, her husband, and her son in their beautiful home, and it will be another happily-ever-after-infertililty.  Because that is the only other thing she references more than her vast knowledge of adoption - the agony of her infertility.  That is probably the only thing that actually gives me pause to stop and try to identify with her as a person.  She knows unspeakable pain, and so do I.  But the pain I live with takes a backseat to her ecstasy over her "gift" and her motherhood now.  She has so many followers.  She has such a wonderful opportunity to help people have a more accurate view of adoption.  But she has a lot to learn.  Unfortunately, she doesn't realize how much she doesn't know.  Kind of scary.

So, this is just one more drop in the bucket with what women like me are up against.  I really should have just closed the computer and gone to sleep.  I don't know how I am going to accomplish that now.  I was telling an online friend earlier in the evening that the Lord had brought to mind Psalm 73:16 regarding some other things that have been on my mind lately.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God..."

That is how I want to fall asleep tonight... In the sanctuary of conversation with the God who is for me.  The God who keeps a record of all my tears and bottles them up. (Psalm 56:8)

Self-loathing...

I have some very unbecoming thoughts tonight.  I am not proud of myself, but it is what it is.

Tonight I hate being me. I absolutely HATE it.  I feel so guilty for saying that.  I am sitting in a very comfortable home with a gorgeous Christmas tree softly lighting the living room.  It is exactly how I had hoped it would look this year.  My kids are asleep in their beds in their comfy pajamas and my husband is alseep as well... recharging for another shift at work that will begin in a few hours.  I will get up tomorrow and get to be with my two precious girls all day long.  I don't have to leave them at a daycare or with someone else in order to go to work.  We will buy some Christmas ribbon and do some more decorating... run a few errands and stay busy with laundry and cleaning... smell chili as it cooks in the crock pot all afternoon.  We all have our health and each other, and our every need is met beyond all that we could ask.  I know that some of that will last for eternity, and most of it will burn.  I would forfeit any of my comforts just to know my daughter.  They are like dust.  She is priceless.

But I hate being me right now.  There is this giant hole right through the middle of me... like a cannon ball passed through.  It is strange because I cover it up with the "right stuff" on the outside.  I have learned how to do that over the years.  I go about my days with no one really knowing that it is there.  But if you really get to know me... if I really trust you... I might divulge my secret to you.  This hole is bleeding and searing with pain.  The wound still feels fresh on many days. 

It is a God-sized hole blown through me by the loss of my daughter, the grief of her absence, the possibility of what her emotions may be, and the way that the rest of the world views me because of my status as a "birthmother".

I don't want to be a birthmother anymore.  I don't want to feel this much pain.  I don't want to love someone so deeply that I will probably never see again.  I don't want to have to hide how much I love and miss her.  I want to stop feeling like I have to make my life perfect on the outside in order to prove that I am a good and fit mother.  I don't want people to think I was brave or selfless.  Nor do I want them to think I was just a loose, irresponsible loser.  I wasn't any of those things.  I don't want to live in the prison of other people's opinions about adoption - good or bad. 

If I am being honest with myself, I know that I am extremely sensitive right now to anything adoption-related.  I am not in a good place with any of it.  I won't give specifics lest I be here all night.  But I can tell you that I think one of the most unhealthy things for me right now is being in an environment that is heavy with waiting adoptive parents.  It is all just too much for me.  I'm not speaking of my friends who know both the joys and the sorrows of adoption; I am speaking of the people who still need for adoption to be the light at the end of their tunnel... The people who need for it to be a happily ever after for everyone.  The people who need for me, a natural mother, to be in the mold that helps them feel good about raising someone else's child.  The people who can only imagine that I am in pain because I am just not mature enough or spiritual enough to be at peace.  Afterall, in their mind I am not their same age with a husband and children and a home and a life.  I am some young screw-up who had a moment of clarity and gave my daughter to a better family.

As long as Bethany keeps feeding the beast with their Dear Birthparent letters (they are ALL pretty much STILL the same and say something about giving the gift of life or choosing life), doing early matches (several currently on the boards), calling pregnant women birthmothers, and billing adoption as THE loving, "good mother" option with no acknowledgment of real grief and loss ... how can that environment be healthy for me???  Ultimately, what is on that site right now is just representative of what most people in general think about adoption.  And it is off.  Completely false.  Skewed. Twisted.  It exhausts me.  It drives a knife through my heart.  It reduces me to feeling like a kid again.  It is a poison to me.  I actually had a woman tell me to my face this week that she has never considered that her children's bio mothers have ever felt loss or grief over them.  This woman has three adopted children in their young teens.  She literally said to me, "I was just so tired of dealing with my infertility and so happy to just finally be getting babies that I never thought about the women who gave birth to them.  I guess I will have to sit and think on that sometime."  WOW.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  My husband didn't understand why I could not accept that her view is normal.  Not correct, just normal.  I say it should be instinct as a human being.  He says, "I never would have considered it until I met you." Nice. The hole in my gut just got larger.

I need to shut out adoption and the general population.  I need to focus on my own life and what is broken inside me.  Again.  How many times in my life do I have to travel this same piece of road?  I have been here before.  How do I be a Joseph and not a Jacob?  How do I live WITH my grief and honor God with it, rather than being crippled by it my whole life?  I cry out to God and I feel His presence.  He is not distant.  I FEEL Him right there with me.  And yet I cannot still my cries and groans even when I know He is there.  I think of Joseph grieving so loudly in private that it disturbed his servants.  I pour out my heart to the God of Joseph.  He answers me.  He brings me moments of rest and sleep.  He speaks to me through His Word.  He calls to mind Scripture that I don't remember ever reading.  I go to my Bible and there it is.  He communes with me.  This is what I cling to.

I don't really hate being me.  I hate being the birthmother that people think I am.  But I love being the person for whom Christ died.  I love being in the depths with my Saviour who knows more than anyone what it was to be misunderstood and hated.  I love that I serve the same God today who comforted Joseph.  I love that I can pray the Psalms and be heard and answered by the same God who originally received those prayers from the heavy heart of David. 

I found all the correspondence between Ellen's parents and me.  I couldn't find it for a long time, and there it was all of a sudden last night.  I am going to take some time to pour through it.  There isn't much there, but I want to re-familiarize myself with it.  I am going to pray over it as I continue to write to Ellen's parents.  I am going to distance myself from the stabs of adoption tripe and work on healing my wound a bit.  It will always be reopened, as anyone in my shoes can tell you, and it will never heal completely; but I'll bring it to the Great Physician to bind it for now.

"I trust in the LORD.  I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.  Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.  My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak... But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands.  Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.  How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.  Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city.  Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.  Love the LORD, all his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful... Be strong and take heart all you who hope in the LORD."  Psalm 31... Selections from verses 7-24

It is funny...

I need to blog so badly. LOL  I need to get a lot of things off  my chest.  But the funny thing is, I am afraid of who might read those things here and how that will affect me IRL.  So now the very thing that I started in order to help me is something that I have to be very guarded about.  Hmmm.  Not what I intended.

I am telling you, I live two parallel lives: the one where I have the seemingly perfect situation with my marriage, my children, etc... and the one where I am constantly fighting off a panic attack because I have been grieving the loss of my daughter for 15 years.

My friend at church lost her precious son this week at 22 weeks into her pregnancy.  I am so very sad for her.  I cannot imagine the crushing grief she is living at this very moment.  It has all been very triggering for me, yet I cannot speak about it with anyone.  I don't want anyone to think that I am comparing my loss to hers.  Because I could never do that.  I do believe that losing a child to a closed adoption is similar to death, but I certainly do not know what it is like to hold your baby in your arms for 10 minutes and watch them die.  Or to bathe and dress a little person who no longer has life in them.  Or to drive to the funeral home to make arrangements to bury your child.  What sickening, crushing grief.  Please remember my friend Beth and pray for her. 

This is a recurring theme in my adoption life, you see.  There are often triggers, yet no outlet to work through them in a healthy way.  Thankfully, with my friend Beth, her baby's death has triggered feelings in my gut, yet I can focus on just being with Beth and praying for her.  It puts my loss in perspective and helps me move outside my own self.  It gives me compassion for her.

But I am having a hard time dealing with other triggers.  For instance, an acquaintance of mine and her husband are talking about adopting.  They are a very sweet couple with two biological children.  But they are absolutlely, positively, 100% clueless about adoption, as evidenced by all of the misguided comments they have made regarding what they think they will be achieving by adopting. They are out to save the world and speak as if they are bringing a new "pet project" into their home.  It is hard for me.  I sit in silence during those conversations because I know I will be very misunderstood if I open my mouth.  I don't want to upset anyone or to make them feel bad.  If I do open my mouth, I want it to be with kindness and a calm spirit.  I am not in that place, therefore, I say nothing.  It is not that I would want to say anything ugly - no way.  But I have a physical reaction: I start to sweat.  My neck starts to break out in hives.  My heart begins to race and to pound right out of my chest.  I feel a burn in my gut.  It is not anger.  It is panic.  I still panic in real life whenever I am faced with anything adoption related.

A storm is brewing.  There is A LOT going on inside my head and my heart.  I feel like the Lord is leading me to try to contact Ellen's family.  I want to let them know about Susannah and Caroline.  I want to reach out and take that gigantic risk and ask a few questions about Ellen.  Is she well and strong? Has she made a profession of faith?  How has she adjusted regarding her adoption and does she speak of it?  How can I best pray for her at this stage of her life (a teenager).  I am SICK over all of this.  I don't know where to start, but I am afraid it will have to be Bethany.  No wonder I am sick.  I am so scared that I have to go through them.  Ugh.