First of all, thanks for all of the comments and support. I appreciate it more than you know, and I was especially glad to hear from a first dad. (Talk about a voice that rarely has the opportunity to be heard.)
To those who commented in defense of the blogger I mentioned, I do understand your defense of your friend, and that is to be expected. But I wanted to respond to just a couple of things you said…
“I understand your point of view but don't believe that her answer to your question was anything less then perfect. She can use whatever words she sees fit in her blog and like she posted, if the other Rebekah did not like them then she would let her know. Its not a problem in thier relationship.”
If you truly did understand my point of view, you would understand how dismissing it, complete with painting a picture of “exaggerated eye-rolling” was not only less than perfect, but rude, arrogant and frankly, small-minded for someone who claims to be so progressive in the realm of adoption talk. How can you dedicate so much of a blog to raising up your child’s first mom to status of selfless hero and then diminish other women like her to “overly-sensitive”, “stand-off-be-careful what you say around me”, and “unwelcoming”? Those were her exact words, hence the quotation marks. Here is another revelation that will probably ruffle your feathers: She may think that her relationship with her son’s birth mom is one of a kind and that Rebekah will be totally honest with her and tell her everything she is feeling. Well, if Rebekah is truly, TRULY sharing with her all of her deepest, most raw and honest emotions about the adoption, then their relationship really IS one of a kind! Because in 15 years and meeting hundreds of other first moms and adoptive moms (many of them in fully open adoptions), the resounding answer I have always gotten is “I share some things, but there is no way I would ever be completely honest with my child’s adoptive mom about what I am going through. It is too risky and would damage the relationship.” That would also mean that it is creating a false sense of hope for all of her many blog followers to have the same “one of a kind” relationship that, in reality, does not exist. Don’t get me wrong. Of course there are plenty of healthy adoption relationships out there. But they are healthy because both parties know what to share and what to hold close. There is never FULL disclosure.
“The presents that were sent to Ty's birthmother were nothing less then to show kindness. You on the other hand took the blog post to a way different level and spoke what you believed rather then what was actually ment. It was thoughtful. Very thoughtful and for you to metion some of the things you did were out of line honestly.”
I will concede that it may have very well been MEANT as a kind gesture. Rebekah has certainly demonstrated in many previous posts that her heart is as big as Texas. But there is no way that you can defend her posting it, complete with pictures, as being appropriate. It was lacking in discernment at best and arrogant at worst. Shall we all post a list online of all of the charitable work that we do, complete with a listing of those on the receiving end and their very personal life circumstances that merit that charity? You just can’t defend that when you pry all of the warm fuzzies off of it and look at it for what it really is. Not a good idea and probably very privately hurtful to Rebekah. Here we are, complete strangers to her, now discussing the fact that she couldn’t buy Christmas for her kids. How degrading.
“Do you really think God is giving her that many readers because He she is the type of person you are describing here?”
I do not consider it necessarily to be a stamp of approval from God to have hundreds of blog followers. There are plenty of mega-churches out there with massive numbers of members and the message from the pulpit is complete emptiness. It is a message of self-help and self-esteem rather than truth. I honestly believe that Rebekah has so many followers because she represents what people WANT to have and what they want to see adoption as. I think it is great that she speaks a positive message about open adoption. I honestly do. But the comments from her followers are often dripping with clichés and worn out misconceptions about adoption. There isn’t a ton of education happening. It is more like a person who reads a romance novel or watches a soap opera in anticipation of the next installment of something to make them feel good and heart-warmed.
“She isn't who you are taking her for. I know her in real life. She is doing her best to tell an honest story - as are you - and that is the end if it. Please, do what God would want you to do. Be slow to wrath, filled with forgiveness for someone has not walked in your shoes. She can only know what she has lived, not what you have.”
Really and truly, I am not taking her for anything but sincere. I am not judging her motives or calling her a bad person. But as you have pointed out, she can only know what she has lived, not what I have. Not what many other people much farther down the road than she (adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents alike) are currently living with. So in light of that, perhaps it would be really wise not to dismiss what others have to offer, especially when it is offered in kindness and temperance and respect. I would think standing on a soapbox and rolling eyes is not going to open the door to better communication.
Again, I really do appreciate the support and comments received, even the ones that were not so supportive. Because at least a dialogue is created, and that is a place to start.
I realize that I certainly have a lot of grief to work through. Why do you suppose that is? Is it because I am that one misfit who fell through the cracks of the awesome "ministry" that the adoption industry has toward unwed mothers? I know I am not an anomaly. Unfortunately, I have met way too many people, from all walks of life, who have had pretty much the same experience. We are an ecclectic group, but we have such eerily similar adoption histories and burdens to bear.
I came across a verse today that I had read before but never applied to myself. I think it is very fitting for me at this stage of my journey...
"Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart." Job 22:21-22
For me, it really is about submission to Him at this juncture. Definitely not about submission to what other people think I should feel or what makes them feel good.
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Hey Jenni! Just came across your blog for the first time today ( dont know how I missed it!) and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate all that you're writing. I'm an adoptee, in a fairly successful reunion,and your words really resonated with me. So often, adoption becomes about the wants and needs of the parents ( adoptive and birth alike) and it really annoys me to see a display of what I'm sure was intended as a nice gesture turned into a show for blog readers. Send a few nice gifts, privately. Then they can be taken in the spirit in which they were intended. That's my opinion. As far as adoptive children as a gift.. I have no doubt that my parents see me as a blessing, they tell me all the time. But I also know for a fact that my birthmother did NOT intend to give me away as a present.. in fact she almost didn't do it at all ( you can see my blog if you'd like to know my story, my last two posts are actually my story written out!). For some reason to me that implies that children are mere pawns, traded and given freely without much thought. And that just doesn't jive with me. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced- it's evident in your posts. Hugs to you, friend! Adoption is never easy, is it? :S God bless!!
ReplyDeletewhen you said:
ReplyDelete"I do not consider it necessarily to be a stamp of approval from God to have hundreds of blog followers. There are plenty of mega-churches out there with massive numbers of members and the message from the pulpit is complete emptiness. It is a message of self-help and self-esteem rather than truth. I honestly believe that Rebekah has so many followers because she represents what people WANT to have and what they want to see adoption as."
you totally hit the nail on the head with this one! I agree completely.
It has to be about submission to Him. He is the only one that can help you to get through this life, through the pain that we live with every day. I've been living with it for 30 years, and I'd like to say it gets easier, but I can't honestly say that. I've been in reunion for 5 years, and it hasn't gotten easier, it's just different. Different and still difficult. Reunion brings up a whole new set of emotions and things to deal with.
I don't honestly know how I would get through if it wasn't for my relationship with Christ. I can tell you have a very strong relationship with Him, and Jenni, He will help you, just turn it all over to Him.
(((((Hugs)))))
Now God gives people blog readers? Oh, I gotta get outa this business altogether or else I'll lose it. I must have missed that delightful nugget the first time around.
ReplyDeleteBlech.
Osolomama
Wow! Your words are so full of pain and bitterness! I am guessing that this is only one aspect of your life, and that you do have areas of your life that bring you joy (like your family). I do hope that you will follow that verse you quoted and that you will find peace in Him! In your previous few posts you said that you need to separate yourself from all things "adoption" for a while and that you should probably just remove a certain blog from your reader. I think your advice to yourself is the best you have received so far-- stop reading the blog(s) that get your blood boiling, and focus on finding some of the peace you are hoping for--not to be happy about what happened 15 years ago, but to find a way to move forward in spite of it so that you can live a meaningful life with your family. Wishing you comfort, peace, and joy in the coming year!
ReplyDelete"Wow! Your words are so full of pain and bitterness! I am guessing that this is only one aspect of your life, and that you do have areas of your life that bring you joy (like your family). I do hope that you will follow that verse you quoted and that you will find peace in Him! In your previous few posts you said that you need to separate yourself from all things "adoption" for a while and that you should probably just remove a certain blog from your reader. I think your advice to yourself is the best you have received so far-- stop reading the blog(s) that get your blood boiling, and focus on finding some of the peace you are hoping for--not to be happy about what happened 15 years ago, but to find a way to move forward in spite of it so that you can live a meaningful life with your family. Wishing you comfort, peace, and joy in the coming year!"
ReplyDeleteAmen
Well, this blog is not intended to be full of fluff! LOL I suppose I could write about the new foods that my toddler is trying or the latest playgroup activities of my preschooler, but I can do that with any number of people in real life. :) Of course I have plenty of things that bring me joy and happiness. Do people who are living through the agony of infertility have other aspects of their lives that they are thankful for? Of course. But it is perfectly fine for them to pour our their hearts in their blogs because their pain is valid. My pain just makes me bitter according to the people who have no clue what it is like. Sigh... It is so much easier to call someone bitter and move on than to open up your heart and mind and actually listen compassionately to something uncomfortable. In the lives of women who have lost their children to adoption, there is very rarely anyone with whom we can talk through our grief. Adoption is very misunderstood by most well-meaning people. (As evidenced here, in fact. :) ) Would you be interested to know that I am also a cancer survivor of not one but two different types of cancer? Or that my father is currently wasting away from Stage 3 colon cancer? How about that one of my dearest friends just delivered her precious 22 week old baby who died 10 minutes later in her arms? We all have a life and a story and our own pain to live with and through. But the examples mentioned above are embraced as legitimate things to grieve. We open our arms and our hearts to those kinds of losses. The world doesn't know what to do with birth mother grief, so it labels it as bitterness because to think anything else is uncomfortable. All this is said with a gentle tone. I am not angry towards the people who have been quick to label me. But I do hope that if and when you face the next trial in your life that you will be clothed with compassion and love and supported by those around you rather than kicked while you are down by people who cannot identify with what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteBlessings...
Oh wait! Here is something people will like to read! I'm off to Walmart to buy a new mini vacuum for my hardwoods. After that, I'm going to feed my kids lunch and put them down for a nap. Then I'll probably pay some bills. Is that a little more fun to read? :) Ok, that was snarky. Just trying to lighten the mood a little. LOL
ReplyDeleteJenni ~ I agree, your post IS full of pain. So is my life, pain fills the whole in my heart caused by adoption. Is pain the only thing in our (first moms) lives? No, I have many blessings in my life. If only Susan S. had bothered to read your blog, she would see that you also have talked about the many blessings in your life.
ReplyDeleteI see no bitterness in anything you have written, only loss and heartache due to the loss of a child to adoption. That loss is so deep, I do not think that it is possible for anyone to begin to understand unless they have also walked in our shoes.
I will end my comment with something more fun to read too! I'm off to go make lunch for 5 of my grandchildren that just came to visit. (They are just a few of the blessings I have in my life despite being a first mom!)
Susie
To clarify my comment above, about life being full of pain from adoption loss. This is my story, but I would imagine it is somewhat the truth of many first moms. The truth that ALL people should know and try to understand about adoption loss.
ReplyDeleteI have a very blessed, happy life. I have a wonderful husband (we just celebrated the 30th Anniversary of our 1st date!), 4 children, 8 grandchildren, the greatest in-laws a person could have, more friends than I can list, a career I love, a beautiful home, my dream car...
Adoption loss does not define my life, but it is always there. I was only 15 when I lost my firstborn son, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for him, my son DID get great parents, has had a wonderful life himself. Even with our story-book adoption experience, there is still the pain of loss for both of us. It is simply a fact of living life with adoption in it. It does not define us, but it is there. It should be accepted and honored, not dismissed.
Susie
Hi, I commented anonymously yesterday, and I will continue today, because I mentioned things about others that I don't want connoted with my name, out of respect and privacy to them.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I think you have every right to feel anger or sadness, with respect to certain parts of your life! Don't let "Susan S." make you feel an ounce of guilt for that! Would she rather you keep those sad, painful feelings bottled up?? That is not the right answer! That's scary to think that that could be her strategy! Life is not all "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens!!!"
Sorry, that angered me a lot. I think you are very smart, and I have learned a lot about the feelings, thoughts, and anguish of a birth mother in the couple days that I've been reading your blog! Your writing has depth and complexity; something other peoples' blogs (won't name names) seem to lack.
Standing solidly by your side,
A Reader
Hey Jenni,
ReplyDeleteI am a regular follower of the mentioned blog and a regular commenter too. I do have to say though that your words, although stinging- have given me much to think about as an adoptive mom. I feel that when I read some birthmother blogs, that they are anti-adoption all together and anti-adoptive parents. This is so hurtful for those of us whose families were built this way. But much of what you have said in these last two posts makes sense. I think the comment you left on her blog recently saying that she shouldn't be so quick to behave as an expert only 6 months into her placement is very, very true. And I can see you were careful not to spew disgust, but to educate kindly from where you are coming from.
I also agree with the Christmas post on her blog. It was a bit large and braggish even if she didn't mean for it to be. And that is hard to see and read.
I will continue to follow her blog but I think you have convinced me to tune into yours now too, for a different perspective.
I obviously did not do a very good job of writing my intentions in my comment! Talk about stirring the pot... which I ABSOLUTELY did not mean to do! My comment about bitterness in no way referred to your pain or grief-- I would never question the validity of either. I ask for your forgiveness if that is how it came across. When I used the term "bitter" I was referring to your bitterness toward the other blogger. Just as I would not question the validity of your grief, neither would I question the validity of her happiness about raising her son. I agree that you BOTH have the right to express yourselves on your own blogs. I certainly did NOT intend to "kick you while you were down." In fact, my very point was that none of should be doing that. Once again, your words were much better than mine... you said we should have compassion and love for others. My point exactly! I am fairly new to blog reading, and I really enjoy reading about other people and their lives. ( And yes!! I would be interested in reading all of the things you mentioned about your life!!) But the part of blogs that really disheartens me is when other women, particularly Christian women, bash each other to pieces! And yes, she did lash back at you on her blog- to which you replied. I actually did not find your reply too out of line- you were rational and stated your points in a fairly "gentle tone." I am all for productive discussions-- I am certainly not seeking just fluff! But then I saw on your blog that you just BASHED her! I got defensive on her behalf before I thought it through. In that regard, I guess we all have that in common-- even as Christians we give in to our temptations too quickly. As I said, I am fairly new to blogs, and I rarely comment (as you can see I accidently posted my last comment twice... I am just figuring this all out!) The ugly side of blogging is too big a battle for me to take on, and I shouldn't have even jumped in! The last thing I wanted was to perpetuate more negative commenting, but unfortunatly that is what happened. (Seems like you have plenty of readers who will jump to your defense as well:) People on all sides of the adoption process have great insight to share- I just wish it didn't have to be a battle! But even if it does, it's not my battle to fight. I truly do wish you the best in 2010!
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly entitled to your pain, grief, and even some bitterness if that is how you feel. Personally, I think bitterness is an underrated emotion ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat that other blogger did, posting all those xmas pictures, was really lacking in taste and class. It was screaming, "Look what I did! Aren't I wonderful! Look how generous I am!" People who are truly kind, giving, and generous in heart don't shout it from the roof-tops. IMO what she did is a red-flag of narcissism.
Personally, I think the gifts were a lame attempt to assuage her guilt.
And writing a book?! Wow, she really is full of herself.
Personally, I have over 40 years of adoption exerience, maybe I should write a book too.
I wrote elsewhere that I was offended as well that Rebekah so openly displayed her child's mother and siblings as charity cases.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that was her intent but it sure came off that way.
There is a better way to address her love for this woman other than humiliating her and her children with a post like that.
Intentional or not, it was in bad form.
I don't like that Heart Cries woman. She basically stalked the mother while she was pregnant, wouldn't let her out of her sight. Bought the children gifts.
ReplyDeleteBelittled the older sister's grief about losing her brother and was very patronising about it.
She goes on about how it was God's will. Really it was the mother not having any money and zero financial or emotional support from the baby's father.
I don't like her at all. I think the way the adoption went ahead was very unethical. It's really sad.
That little boy misses out on his brothers and sisters and they miss out on him. What a terrible thing to happen to a family to see your baby brother go off and live with strangers and then be told that he isn't really a family member anymore. Awful.
I love your blog by the way. You write beautifully.
K.
Wowsers, where've I been?? Yeah, you're so bitter. Oh dear. Just shaking my head.
ReplyDeleteYou KNOW I'm sorry some not everyone gets it.
You are tender, gentle, lovely, and full of grace. I'll keep reading. Up to the next post now.
Hi there. I just found your blog this evening and can't help but mention concerning the whole Christmas gift issue on Rebekah's blog, that it's not hard to find little Ty's first mom's blog from the open adoption bloggers link that Rebekah has on her blog. She did a post about the Christmas gifts as well, and doesn't seem to try to hide the fact that she faces financial challenges (it comes up in recent posts). Couldn't help but speak up on that point. =)
ReplyDeleteAs a foster mom, I've had the privilege of meeting my foster child's first mom and seeing first hand her love for her child and the pain she's experienced because of her broken family. I acknowledge your pain, grief and sadness and am so sorry that at the time of your daughter's birth and adoption you received counsel that was biased and persuasive. May God comfort and heal you, and bring beauty out of those ashes.
Marcia, thanks for stopping in. I, too, have found the other Rebekah's blog and have read a bit there to get a better understanding of her perspective. It is true that she does seem to post a good bit about the personal aspects of her financial situation. I won't really comment on that because I am kind of scratching my head at some of the things I read there, but to each his own. :) Regardless of whether or not first mom Rebekah shows discernment in talking about her finances, I still believe it to be in poor taste for adoptive mom Rebekah to post publicly about her generosity. I understand where you are coming from, and I see your point. I believed Rebekah's heart to be in the right place; I just feel like it was a bit immature for her to not see how inappropriate it was to "brag" about what she did. You and I just may have to agree to see it differently, and that's ok by me. :) I no longer read Heart Cries in the interest of keeping the peace and releasing myself from needless anxiety. LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments regarding my personal situation. This is definitely a place for me to journal through my emotions, but my ultimate hope is that others will see the WORK that is being done in me... That they will acknowledge the reality of loss and extreme pain in adoption, and will be able to see that it is a God-sized hole that only He can fill for me. No amount of joy in earthly circumstances or the skewed perspective of well-meaning but misguided people will ever do that job.
I hope you'll keep reading here and participate in the discussions as you feel comfortable. Again, thanks for your kind words.