It is super late. I should be asleep. I was just about ready to set my laptop aside and turn off my lamp when I decided to check my blog reader for any last minute new posts from friends. I should have just gone to sleep.
I follow a particular blog that I know I should just remove from my reader because it usually leaves me with really frustrated feelings. I used to actually really like it, but I have gotten a little sour on it. It is a very popular adoption blog written by an adoptive mother, and she has hundreds of blog followers. I won't list it, lest I stir something up. You may be able to guess if you follow it as well.
Anyway, a couple weeks ago she posted about sending her son's first mom a bunch of Christmas presents because the woman's other children didn't have much for Christmas. It was a huge family ordeal, and the adoptive family's extended family got all involved and basically inundated this woman with presents through the mail. Of course, there was not a dry eye in the comment section after she posted pictures of her little boy sitting amid all the presents he was going to send to his "birth mom". I had mixed feelings about that, as I felt it was 1) really "big" of her to do such a benevolent thing and then boast about it, including pictures, on her well-read blog and 2) very patronizing to her son's first mom. I can see if she sent a few things personally, but to let your entire extended family know that someone is poor and cannot afford much of a Christmas for their children... I don't know... It just seemed like maybe her intention was noble but she missed the mark by a mile.
Of course, along the way in her post, she spoke of how she couldn't help but give back to the woman who gave her the gift of her son, and she just kept that theme going. It raised my blood pressure for a few days, and then I decided that I had to release myself from the angst this total stranger was causing me. It was silly to let it eat me up when she was at home with warm fuzzies over what she had done. So I prayed about it, and I decided I would just contact her and let her know that her perception of her child as a gift from his first mom is not the most accurate way to look at things when you consider the mind of a first mom. I wanted to be kind and respectful, and I hoped she would recieve what I had to say. Here is what I wrote to her:
"I have been reading your story for a while now, and first of all, I want to say that I do enjoy your posts. You have a wonderful way of verbalizing emotions that really touches others. There is something that I really wanted to bring up, though, because you have used the same terminology in several posts. It is the reference of Ty as a "gift" to your family from his birth mom. I realize that so many people view adoption this way, and that it might be hard to view it any other way, if you are on the receiving end of things. :) But I'd love for you to consider the perspective of many, many women who have relinquished their children to adoptive families: Our children were not gifts to their families, but rather, those families were our gifts to our children. :) Never once did I ever have the desire to give my child to another family in order to provide something to them or to fill a void in their lives. I did not pity them because of their infertility or feel like I could do something to make a difference in their lives. Afterall, the people who would parent my daughter were total strangers to me. But she was my flesh and blood. My heart and soul. Everything to me. Why would anyone ever give a person away for the sake of anyone else? It just wouldn't happen. ;) I know that may sound harsh, but I don't intend for it to be read that way. When that sickening cloud settled on me with the truth that I would not be able to parent (I was very young), my goal was to find the best family to be to her what I could not be. So my every thought was toward her and what I could do for her as her mother, even in my absence from her... And that was to give her a family that would be as close to what I wished I could be. She is now almost 15 years old. I have a lot of love for her family, but I still could never ever consider her a gift to them.
It pains me when parents refer to their adopted children as gifts. I know that there is no malintent there... nothing but joy and thankfulness. :) I have heard many adoptive parents speak in those terms, and they always seem to be coming from a place of love and gratitude. But I just wanted you to hear what I and so many other women have known for many years... Our babies are not the gifts. Their families are the gifts, hand-picked by their mothers with an immeasurable amount of love and heartache.
Thanks for letting me express this to you. I really do enjoy reading your blog, and I hope that you will receive this from my heart in the manner in which it was intended.
Blessings,
Jenni
Natural Mother, Wife, and Mom to two precious little girls"
Here is what she wrote back to me via a public post on her blog tonight:
"I don't have the exact wordage on this last one because I couldn't find the email, but someone questioned my "gift" terminology when refering to Ty. It was not a nasty anonymous hater, rather it was a sincere birth mother. The premise of the note was that it bothered her that adoptive families view their children as gifts when that was not the birth mother's intent. She said she did not give her child to an adoptive family as a gift for the family, but instead gifted her child with a family...that her concern was not that the family could or could not have children. It was that her child would have the best family possible.
I am thoughtful when it comes to adoption and try to look at every angle to make sure I'm not missing the best view, but my commenters also get exaggerated eye rolls from me when I feel their being oversensitive. My intent [here] is not to offend, I completely understand where the above birth mother is coming from and before she mentioned it, I had never contemplated her point. But, in general, there is so much insecurity when it comes to political rightness, it drives me batty. Adoption is not an exception. We get so caught up in terminology - birth mother/first mother, gave baby up/made an adoption plan, real mother vs. adoptive mother, etc., etc.
I just don't get it. {Enter Soapbox Rebekah} Mixed in all the "right" word mumbo jumbo is a stand off be-careful-what-you-say-around-me attitude, that isn't welcoming to anyone. Now, hear me, if Rebekah was sensitivie to any of the above examples, we would absolutely honor her with our words, but thankfully, we are in one accord on this. The adoption community can be too sensitive (and it's mostly on the adopting family side).
It honestly doesn't phase me when someone asks about Ty's "real" mom. I know my place in Ty's life and don't feel the need to defend it. Most inquirers are new to all things adoption and don't know how to play by our PC-rules. Regularly, I refer to Rebekah as "Ty's mom" or the birth father as "Ty's dad." I don't do it on purpose, it's just natural - they are Ty's mom and dad.
I was thinking, today about this whole issue and immediately John 3:16 came to mind - "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son..." It doesn't read: God so loved the world that he made a crucifixion plan for his one and only son. So why do I have to avoid using "gave up" when talking about Rebekah and Ty? Doesn't it sound less substantial and selfless to say Rebekah made an adoption plan? Rebekah did more than make an adoption plan for Ty... she gave her sweet baby boy to me...so that he could have a daddy and a life full of opportunity.
Maybe if we all met on common ground we could start communicating openly.... {Soapbox Rebekah is done}
All that to say, whether Rebekah meant Ty to be a gift to our family or not, he is. He is the greatest gift I've ever received. And although Rebekah paid a great sacrifice, the Master Giver is my heavenly Father."
Nice. So I am just being too PC. (Those of you who know me must be careful not to choke if you are eating and drinking at the moment.) :) I don't know what I am talking about. Afterall, I am just a birthmother who is overly sensitive. You know what? I am sensitive. But I have had to swallow all of the bunk that has been spoonfed to me and so many others for so long. Women like me often don't have a voice at all. It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel becuase nobody really wants to hear any of that. I love to write, and I try to use that ability to verbalize my feelings as a way to give a face and a voice to other women like me. It is not an issue of being PC and just using certain terminology for the comfort of others. But repeatedly referring to your adopted child as a gift from their birth family is a demonstration of a fundamental misunderstanding of how relinquishing families think and feel.... of the process most of them go through. Why must it always be about "birthmothers" being overly sensitive? When will people begin to see that words are not just merely words, but rather, the words we use are an indication of what is in our minds and hearts? The adoptive mother stated herself the before my comment she had never even considered it before. Yet she immediately dismisses the issue, on her self-described soapbox, and wants us to "all find some common ground so that we can communicate openly." Well, I TRIED to respectfully communicate with her in kindness and gentleness. It was VERY difficult for me. And then it was just discarded? But she is an expert in her mind. How many "birth mothers" do you think that blogger knows? How many do you think her readers know? Apparently, in her mind it doesn't matter because she has enough wisdom in her 6 months as an adoptive mother to impart it to people who are willing to pay for it. Read on...
The beginning of her blog post was to ask for prayer as she is moving forward with writing and publishing a book about adoption. The thing is, I'm sure she will eventually get her book deal because she has a cult-like following of hopeful adoptive parents who just eat up her every word and leave tear-filled comments about how wonderful she is and how they want their adoption to be just like hers. There was even a comment from a social work grad student who was so inspired that she hopes to be a "dream maker" one day for couples who can't have biological children. I don't know whether to laugh or be sick. She, in all of her "wisdom", will write another adoption book, complete with beautiful pictures of herself, her husband, and her son in their beautiful home, and it will be another happily-ever-after-infertililty. Because that is the only other thing she references more than her vast knowledge of adoption - the agony of her infertility. That is probably the only thing that actually gives me pause to stop and try to identify with her as a person. She knows unspeakable pain, and so do I. But the pain I live with takes a backseat to her ecstasy over her "gift" and her motherhood now. She has so many followers. She has such a wonderful opportunity to help people have a more accurate view of adoption. But she has a lot to learn. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize how much she doesn't know. Kind of scary.
So, this is just one more drop in the bucket with what women like me are up against. I really should have just closed the computer and gone to sleep. I don't know how I am going to accomplish that now. I was telling an online friend earlier in the evening that the Lord had brought to mind Psalm 73:16 regarding some other things that have been on my mind lately.
"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God..."
That is how I want to fall asleep tonight... In the sanctuary of conversation with the God who is for me. The God who keeps a record of all my tears and bottles them up. (Psalm 56:8)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
After reading your recent blog i was speechless. I am a follower of Rebekah and i honestly can't even iminage the pain you must have went through with your first child. But i I just wanted to comment on a few particular things that you seem to be very unaware of.
ReplyDelete1. The relatinship that Ty's Birthmother and adoptive mother have are one of a kind. They share something special together that some people can not see. Rebekah has every right to refer to Ty as a gift. After all he is a gift from God to her family who stuggled for so long. I understand your point of view but don't believe that her answer to your question was anything less then perfect. She can use whatever words she sees fit in her blog and like she posted, if the other Rebekah did not like them then she would let her know. Its not a problem in thier relationship.
2. If you knew Rebekah well then you would know that she is the most genuine and down to earth girl out there. The presents that were sent to Ty's birthmother were nothing less then to show kindness. You on the other hand took the blog post to a way different level and spoke what you believed rather then what was actually ment. It was thoughtful. Very thoughtful and for you to metion some of the things you did were out of line honestly.
3. Rebekah never claimed to know everything there is to know about adoption. You also have no idea the direction that she will go with her book. When it publishes you should buy it. You would probably learn alot. She has alot of followers for a reason.
The last time I came on your blog I saw your last post about what your were dealing with. Obviously, not being a birth mom myself, I cannot understand your pain-but I know that that is what you are living with, pain.
ReplyDeleteI read your response to Rebekah answering your question and WHILE I SEE WHY HOW SHE WORDED IT COULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN WRONG, I MUST assure you that she can only speak from what she has experience. Do you really think God is giving her that many readers because He she is the type of person you are describing here?
She isn't who you are taking her for. I know her in real life. She is doing her best to tell an honest story - as are you - and that is the end if it. Please, do what God would want you to do. Be slow to wrath, filled with forgiveness for someone has not walked in your shoes. She can only know what she has lived, not what you have.
I read Rebekah's blog, but like you, often don't know why. Her followers seem to idolize her (whether they realize or not); it's actually pretty strange (not to mention, cheesy).
ReplyDeleteYour side is the forgotten, brushed aside part of the triad, I truly believe that. I can't speak for Ty's birth mom, but she very well could have moments of complete anguish while Ty's playing with Rebekah with all his fancy stuff in his fancy bedroom. And yes, I too agree that the gift giving seemed boastful.
In addition, if I was infertile and really wanted children, I would think that my longing and hurt would be exacerbated by her raving about how great and perfect life is now to have a son. I know she knows some people whose adoptions fell through at the last moment. It must painful for them to look at her blog now and read about her perfect life. In fact, I know it is, because I know one of them (not me!).
Just wanted to let you know that I support your thoughts. Good job having the courage to do so!
Jenni,
ReplyDeleteThe gift thing is hard to feel good about. I think your response was very well written and thought provoking. I am a birth/first father, 3 plus years into a reunion with my son. His adoptive parents are good people but it is hard and confusing coming to terms with the feelings of gratitude that are expressed on both their side and my side. I do not doubt for a moment that many adoptive parents consider the children that they have adopted a gift, whether it be from the first parents or from God. Your response puts into words and defines what my subconscious has had a hard time dealing with in terms of the gratitude issue.
Let me apologize to the adoptive parents who may think that I am being selfish. My son’s first mother may have bought into the social workers story that she was giving a gift to the adoptive parents. Well I am sorry to say that I just wanted a good home for my son, a home that would be better than what I could provide for him at the time. The idea of him being a gift is nothing but a side benefit to the adoptive parents.
The above thought, then makes me ask the question of whether or not the act of the adoptive parents adopting my son is a gift to me. I had to think a little about this because at times I do feel like it is a gift that they provided a good home, but could it be that I am just grateful that they provided a good home for him and glad that the are willing to share stories of his childhood. Grateful for the way things worked out. I did not ask them to adopt my son, neither I nor his mother had any say in who was going to adopt our son. His adoptive parents wanted to adopt him, they made a commitment to adopt my son and in doing so agreed to provide a good home for him, they did not adopt him to make me feel good. The social workers never told me that I was giving a gift, They were just grateful that they only had to meet with me to sign the papers. They were just grateful that I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing to do at the time.
If there had been no one to adopt my son, no adoption system available, I have faith that we would have found a way to raise him ourselves. That brings up the thought that if we had been given no other option than to raise him ourselves, somehow we would have done a good job of raising him (not necessarily easily, but it would have worked out).
I believe her response to you invalidates your true feelings and emotions and those of most birth parents. The majority of birth parents are good, kind and caring people who care very much about the children that they have brought into the world. The gift concept is just a side benefit that one party happens to receive due the events that happened, be it the adoptive parents or the first parents. To ask a birth parent to believe that they have given their child as a gift to make another person happy is invalidating and demeaning, it reduces the value of the child to that of a materialistic commodity. I believe that I entrusted the adoption agency and the adoptive parents with the responsibility to provide a good home for my son. I know that his adoptive father felt that it he was a responsibility that he took on to provide a good home for our son.
It is not an issue of PC or being overly sensitive. I recently read a couple of blogs that discussed the book “Adoption Reunion: Ecstasy or Agony” by Evelyn Robinson. They mention the term – disenfranchised grief. That term has really hit home with me. So much of our losses in life are disenfranchised – meaning not acknowledged, grief that we are not able to talk about. I really thought that after 32 years of silence, that with the reunion I would be able to openly talk about my experience with adoption. I have since learned that the majority of the world doesn’t want to hear about the birth parents thoughts, feelings and emotions, the rest of the world thinks that they already know everything. You did a good job of expressing the thoughts of at least one birth parent (probably 90% or more of the birth parents).
Thanks for sharing.
Sweet friend,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you've read, the manner in which it was responded to, and maybe even mostly for those who chose to hurl insults behind the shield of "anonymous." I can understand having a different viewpoint; I CANNOT understand the disrespectful and flippant comments left in such a cowardly manner.
I have this blog in my reader as well, and have had many of the same thoughts as you expressed. I'm a fairly new reader, but even in recent weeks have felt a "shift" from what first caused me to add it to my list of reads. On one hand, there have been many times that she has written things that have really resonated with me, as a Christian, as an adoptive mom, as half an infertile couple. On the other hand, there are times that just plain rub me the wrong way, or leave me scratching my head. I think she has a lot of insight in regards to living an open adoption, and not being "fearful" of your child's natural parents. But, maybe it's hard not to think you've got it all figured out with so many faithful and encouraging readers. I don't know... I certainly can't know her heart, and I know you aren't claiming to, either. :) I don't want to speak badly of her, but I do want to speak frankly, and understood that the attitude behind it IS respectfulness.
AFA the "gift" -- I *totally* get what you mean. I'll be honest though, and say that from the adoptive parent side, sometimes it's hard to feel like *you* yourselves are the gift, and that the "gift" is not your child. ANY parent feels their child is a gift, but I think the GIVER behind it might be mistaken. My daughter is a gift from the Lord, and it's from that standpoint that I say/feel that she's the "best thing that's ever happened to me," if that makes sense. However, I would NEVER put the words in A's mouth that she "gave us a gift," because while it's true that she kind of did (in the sense that she is physically and literally the one who chose us to be parents), she certainly didn't do it because she wanted to "gift" DD to us!
I do understand where you are coming from that the a-parents are the "gift," if anyone is. A said something one time about "I don't know who is the greater gift -- you guys as parents, or her." I KNOW she meant it with all sincerity, but to be really honest, it made me feel awkward! It's kind of like how you all talk about how you don't like being called a "hero," because being a hero wasn't really ever your goal, because relinquishment felt like ever awful emotion in the word, and least of all heroic. So, while I can "feel" that A is a "hero" of sorts to me (in the sense that I wouldn't have my daughter without her), I'd never choose to use that terminology because it *can* and *does* have a negative connotation for so many moms. It's not about being PC, as some have brushed it off as... it's about having respect for another human being, someone who has had different experiences from yours, and is speaking kindly and honestly about how ____ feels. To dismiss it because it seems too "PC" is just, well, dismissive!
{Here's the rest of my comment... blogger wouldn't accept it all at once because it was too long.... *oops* :) }
ReplyDeleteI think the bottom line that really grates on me with the "gift" terminology is that (to me) it makes me feel like my child's worth is reduced to a physical possession, something to be bought, sold, or traded. THAT is what really boils my blood! And again, the intent is almost always pure, but I can't see a twelve-year-old really grooving on the idea that he/she is a "gift." :) A gift from God, certainly... all children are. A gift that was given upon birth... no. I don't EVER want my daughter to feel like she was just a "hot commodity" that we went to the hospital and picked up one day when we felt like having a baby, and I don't EVER want her to feel her relationship with and meaning to A is reduced to being a "package," meant for delivery to someone else. At the core of it, it's really quite insulting to the adoptee in the middle of it, is it not? If we as adults feel awkward or insulted in some way being referred to as a gift, how about that child in the midst of it who had no say in the matter?
*sigh*
I've written too much already. I should have just emailed you by this point. :) Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, and that there are MANY who do appreciate and value your insight.
You are not alone. I really can understand where you are coming from. I was 15 years old when my daughter was placed for adoption and I have never been able to feel okay about it. I just found your blog so I don't know much, but I do feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteHowdy!
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I know the blog in discussion, as I usually tend to keep away form ones written as you described.. though now I am tempted! BUT.. I have to say that you are not only 100% correct in that icky feeling that the whole "gift" thing brings, but your email was most kindly and gently put.
I kinow I often will find myself reaching out to others with what I know to be such a completly shocking point of view and all I can do is hope that they see it as a gentl knowck on the door of their brains rather than a bashing of some sort.
I sure do know that yes, another birthmother here who does bristle and shudder internallty when I hear about adoptees as gifts, birthmothers as heros and sterong family building angels. I also happen to dislike the whole "meant to be" concept... as in ":our littel adoptee was meant to be with us.. just born in the wrong tummy". Bleh, I'm not big on any one particular God, but I am very spirual and I doubt that ANY God would want birth motehrs and fathers to suffer and go through pain so that others could have what they want.
Plus, the bigger question is not even what adoptive aprents feel comforatble with or even what works for us moms, but ask any adoptee if THEY like being thought of as a gift!! Your email will seem like a newborn kitten meow if some of the adoptees I know shared their two sense!
Anyway, as one momma to another who is fighting the same battle.. Thanks for another sister birthmother...keep speaking your truth! Yes, we need to be heard!
Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
www.musingsofthelame.com
A-mom here and I found your blog on Cassi's list and I want to say. . .way to go for pushing back with the "gift" thing. It is terrible language. Awful. This has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with figuring out that God doesn't deprive parents of children so other people can call them gifts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I cannot STAND the way adoptive parents pimp their kids' lives for their blogs. In fact, I thought you meant another person. Who knew there could be that many.
I thought your reply was beautifully and kindly written. I have always been uncomfortable when someone makes a comment about the "gift" a child is from adoption. As I read your words ~ they completely explained why it has always bothered me so.
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad that she just dismissed your feelings and went on to criticize you so. To not even try to understand what it is like to lose a child to adoption. And to think that she has a large following on her blog ~ how many readers will accept her opinion, not try to think it through on their own because it goes against what they want?
That is why I fear adoption practices will never change ~ we live in a country where people feel that they deserve whatever it is that they want. No matter the price. People looking to adopt a child don't want to know the true price of the child, the price that the (birth)parents pay for their joy.
As Claudia says above, thank you for speaking out as a birthmother ~ speaking our truth.
Susie
Excellent post, Jenni.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't mind me sharing this--I once spent half an evening reading several of Rebekah's posts, perusing her blog. And then walked away and never went back. It wasn't beneficial for me.
As for the whole dialogue here: I find it remarkable that in our society privileged groups often rail against using language that disadvantaged groups request for reasons of respect. I mean really, what is so hard about saying, "You know what? You have more experience with this than I do, you have more right to define your experience than I do, and I will defer to what you find respectful." Especially when it comes to matters involving trauma.
I would submit that to continue to defend this "gift" terminology and more, to further call you over-sensitive, communicates profound disrespect. (Not to mention a complete lack of understanding about trauma in adoption.)
And you certainly don't need to continually submit to disrespect if you don't want to.You know that... just saying.
((((Hugs))))
I feel your pain Jenni. I've never read Rebekah's blog, but have read enough of them to know what type it is.
ReplyDeleteYour email to her was thoughtful and respectful. Her response was not. And her "groupies" comments to you were not very kind either.
I think I'm most offended by Rebekahs use of John 3:16 in comparing her situation with it. I'm so tired of adoptive parents twisting Scripture and/or using it in any way they choose to make their situation out to be God's plan for everyone involved. Oh, yeah, and that also includes the disgusting way that adoption agencies use Scripture.
Hang in there, and know that there are others out there that share your pain and understand completely what you are feeling.
And avoid that blog, don't torture yourself in reading it, it's not worth it.
Said blogger.
ReplyDeleteJenni,
I am sorry that my post has caused you pain and came across so pointed. I am a passionate person which can be both great and terrible. On one hand, sometimes I think I should hold back what I'm truly feeling, in effort to consider eyveryone's feelings, on the other, I will never make everyone happy and already have more than my share of haters. I try to be as genuine as possible, which sometimes exposes firey (even misplaced) sides of my heart.
My blog is my story from my point of view. I am an expert at nothing and only write from my experiences. You don't have to like me or my words or my story...and you definitely don't have to read it if it causes you so much angst.
I am just one girl "growing as I go" through this ever-complicated process and doing my best to honor my heavenly Father, along the way.
Please forgive me. My intention is not to take anything away from you or your story or your experiences.
I just happened across your blog when I did a search about adoptive mothers. I adopted five children from the same birth mother (over a period of 10 years). I am in the process of writing a blog (I just started last week) about the relationship I have with my children's birth mother and grandmother. I appreciate your insight and I enjoyed reading this post from your blog.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that gets me is that Rebekah doesn't really take into mind or hear how Ty, her son will feel being referred to as a gift.
ReplyDeleteIt's like that isn't even considered!
This isn't about being PC, it's about being respectful to her child. I don't feel that referring to a human being as a gift in any context is healthy or appropriate.
Sorry to say this but that woman is truly awful. Just awful.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry she got someone's baby. She was an absolute weazel. I watched the whole train wreck in horror. A very unethical adoption. Awful woman. Truly the only word I can use is awful awful woman.
K.
OMG and don't get me started on that terrible Camille woman. When I read her blog I was horrified at how coercive she was to that poor mother. She basically talked and talked and talked about what a bad mother she was and how she should give her the children. Very unethical.
ReplyDeleteOh just terrible that these women do these crimes against mothers and have the gumption to think they are good people. Shameful.
K.
Oh Jenni, I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. Hundreds of cyber hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Jenni,
ReplyDeleteFirst time reader..but I do know several of your above supporters.
I'm sorry but did one of the commenters on this post actually suggest that God gave Rebekah all her followers on her blog??
::hurl::
I was not a gift to my adoptive parents...I was a nuisance. Something that they never failed to remind me of every chance they got. To hear Rebekah say that she does consider Ty a gift is just horrible. To hell with being PC...to hell with tiptoeing around the issues.
I can't read her blog anymore...it's just heartbreaking.
With hugs,
Christina