I wanted to move on tonight from the unexpected minor turn of events that my recent blog post produced. But I have unfinished business, and it's not really with another blogger. It is pretty much with myself. When I wrote the post that stirred the pot, I honestly had no idea that more than a handful of friends would even read it. I was using my personal blog as a personal sounding board, and I naively thought that I would merely be venting my discouragment in a fairly private way. Ummm, no. So, first of all, I guess that I can say lesson learned as far as foolishly thinking that anything on the internet is remotely private.
I wouldn't say that my feelings were hurt, but rather, that another big fat scoop of my dignity was carved out and slung aside. And the cherry on top was that it came, yet again, from someone who shares my faith. From someone who I kind of dare to trust just by virtue of the fact that we would probably identify with one another in so many ways outside of the world of adoption. So in response to that, I let it fly. I opened the floodgates of ugliness and it just spewed out. I am not saying that I retract the essence of what I was saying, or the points I was trying to make, for I stand pretty firmly behind everything that I said; but the way that I said it was just alltogether... well, just ugly. Meanspirited. I felt like she bit hard, and I bit back. I think it is ok to be blunt. I think it is ok to speak plainly. I think it is important that we firmly stand behind what we believe to be truth. But I don't believe that it is ok to be vicious while doing it.
I really struggle with the fact that I have experienced the most hurt in my adoption journey, from the moment I walked into Bethany all the way up to now, from a community of people who know and serve the same God I do. Christians who think adoption is very beautiful do not really know how to wrap their brains around a Christian who embraces any other view. They pull out their examples of Moses and Samuel and ALWAYS Jesus in an attempt to say that the Bible is very pro-adoption... all the while discarding the fact that adoption in the Bible looks absolutely nothing like domestic infant adoption in modern day America. There really IS another side to the coin - another way of thinking that does not embrace that skewed view but at the same time is not anti-adoption. I'm certainly not anti-adoption, but I digress... I don't think there is really a label for me, and I'm good with that.
I spent a good bit of time hashing it all out in my mind as I went about my day today, and I thought, "I just need to let go of this and get back to sorting out the thoughts that I have regarding this letter to Ellen's family and what I've been soaking up from people in reunion regarding expectations and preparation." I crawled into bed and opened up my Bible to spend some time reading. I wanted to unwind and read something to meditate on as I went to sleep. But a little fragment of a verse just kept popping into my head. I knew it was somewhere in Galatians, so I turned there and just started reading a bit. I found what I was looking for, but also, so much more. Paul was talking to the church in Galatia about their freedom in Christ and the disagreement they were having with one another about circumcision and the law. At this point, you are thinking I have lost my marbles and that I am off on a rabbit trail about something unrelated. But I hope you'll bear with me as I share this with you...
"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious... hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy... But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit... Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Portions from Galatians 5 and 6 - emphasis mine.)
When I am really contemplating a passage, I often like to see what the old-timers had to offer in their wisdom, and tonight Matthew Henry was my choice. This is what he had to say...
"The gospel is a doctrine according to godliness, (1Ti 6:3), and is so far from giving the least countenance to sin, that it lays us under the strongest obligation to avoid and subdue it. The apostle urges that all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. If Christians, who should help one another, and rejoice one another, quarrel, what can be expected but that the God of love should deny his grace, that the Spirit of love should depart, and the evil spirit, who seeks their destruction, should prevail? Happy would it be, if Christians, instead of biting and devouring one another on account of different opinions, would set themselves against sin in themselves, and in the places where they live." (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible)
Well, there's nothing like having God send a couple of old dead guys from the 1st and 16th centuries to admonish you. :) Since I'm being honest here, I'll admit that I am not completely all there yet in my heart regarding how I have received some of the comments written to me, but nevertheless, I must let go of them. Afterall, it was "for freedom that Christ has set me free." (Galatians 5:1) I can't live in the prison of other people's opinons of me or what total strangers have to say.
So I retire tonight knowing that I have been reproved for my tone and my lack of self-control towards another person for whom Christ died. It is strange that the realization of that can restore my peace, but that is just one of the many mysteries of God.
Rebekah, if you are reading this by chance, I think we both know that we are going to see things very, very differently when it comes to adoption. I still stand behind my adoption views, and I'm sure you stand behind yours. But the next time I disagree with you, if I am tempted to be caustic rather than temperate, I will bite my tongue before I bite you.
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Jenni, I think you're being way too hard on yourself, I didn't read anything that you wrote that would be considered spewing ugliness. I think you said what you said respectfully and truthfully.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Christian too, and I know what it is like to have God speak to your heart through His Word about things like this, and we better pay attention when He does! But coming from a human standpoint I really didn't think you said anything out of ugliness, but perhaps that's how you felt in your heart. A feeling I know very well, when it comes to this whole subject of adoption.
I write alot of blog posts that never get published. It does help to just write it sometimes and get it out and down on paper. OR email a friend that understands and let it out to them privately. (if you need someone, i'm here for you and will give you my email address, if you'd like)
I enjoy reading your blog, so please keep blogging! It's so very, very, very rare to find someone like-minded, a true child of God, that is a birth mom, and feels the way I do about adoption. I NEED to know there are others out there. We can learn from each other, and help each other.
Changing people's thinking about adoption needs to start somewhere, and even if it doesn't seem like we are making a difference, we are. I have been able to speak truth to at least 4 people in my church, one who has done a complete turn around in her thinking and is helping me to teach others truth, that adoption is not always the best option, and also my pastor has listened and understood. He has seen the effect of it on my life, he came to ME about it, wondering why every May (Mother's Day, my son's birthday) I withdraw and go into a depression. After my hubby and I told him our story of adoption, he wrote a booklet to help me. So people DO listen. They just don't understand until we explain things.
That does not mean that everyone will understand, some will never see past their desires to even consider that adoption is not all warm fuzzies. But we need to keep trying to get the truth out there, and steer people towards family preservation when at all possible. I am not anti-adoption, there are times when it really is necessary, but I do think those times are rare.
Have a lovely day, Jenni!
Jenni,
ReplyDeleteI do not read anything you wrote as being ugly or mean-spirited. I think that you are just speaking the words of your soul, speaking about a subject that has caused a deep wound in your spirit. I know, as a first mom, that we want so badly for others to understand our truth, we can become overly passionate in trying to get them to consider it.
As for the comments written to you, that you are struggling with. Those comments were written from someone that also has been deeply hurt, but their hurts are cured by adoption, their opinion of adoption will never match those of a first mom. I don't think they were speaking so much to you, but more to their hurt and and the need to lash out at someone whose views go against their adoption beliefs.
I love your blog ~ you and other birthmoms that I have found in blog-land have been a huge blessing to me. I was so happy to find yours, a Christian with a wonderful life that includes the pain & loss of a child to adoption, like me. I am also not anti-adoption, more pro family preservation.
God Bless you!
Susie
Jenni,
ReplyDeleteI do understand the need to learn and to step outside of our own personal emotions at times and seek answers in the wisdom of others, including God.
But I hope you know, I have been reading your posts regularly now since finding your great blog during the Primal Wound tour. And one of the main reasons I linked to you through my blog list was because of the tone of your blog. Because you are kind and considerate in your challenges, your questions and your thoughts.
You do not stomp a foot and demand others to obey. You do not use snide or hateful remarks to get your point across.
You are, in every way, I believe a writer who's gentle and caring spirit shows clearly in your words.
As a First Mom with a lifetime faith in God and his words, I struggle so often in the play of God and the Bible in the world of adoption. I have been angry with him, with church, with his followers.
But your blog does so much in reminding me of his grace. In centering me again into why my faith never has and never will waver.
I have found through your insight some peace in an area I have battled for a very long time. Not just in your faith but in your kind words and your ability to portray your faith and belief in such a graceful manner.
For that I thank you. And if there does come a time when you must bite your tongue, please remember there are many o ther times when your words carry so much and mean so much to others in this journey.
“THE WICKED SNATCH FATHERLESS CHILDREN FROM THEIR MOTHER’S BREASTS, AND TAKE A POOR MAN’S BABY AS A PLEDGE BEFORE THEY WILL LOAN HIM ANY MONEY OR GRAIN” –Job 24:9–
ReplyDeleteHi Jeni:I am so sorry for the loss of your baby:
Even Jesus became furious when the money changers were in the temple and frankly I think we could use some of that anger when women and children are used for profit.And indeed many churches have soiled hands from encouraging the separation of mommies and their infants from each other.They also need to realize because of their actions many women will never set foot in a church again, due to instead of being truly helped ,they felt condemed to live a life of pain through loss.
With much work based in love and understanding they can be shown it was not our loving father who wanted us shamed and separated from our babies but the judgements of other humans who had their own agenda.
What would be so wrong with churches embracing a Mom and her child into full fellowship instead of taking advantage of her during one of the scariest times of her life?It is not the responsibility of a fertile young woman to provide some one dealing with infertility (as sad as it is)with an infant.Now maybe a good time to say Thou shall not covet.If I sound harsh it may have something to do with me being a Mother who surrendered her infant to adoption.I have also held many Mothers and adoptees in my arms as they sobbed, in pain, about losing each other to adoption.I have earned the right to sound harsh because adoption is harsh.Abuse is always harsh.Truly,Linda Webber
Jenni,
ReplyDeleteThis post was beautifully written and I could feel your heart behind it shining through. We may not always make the right decision in our anger, but it is how we handle the aftermath that counts. You have proven yourself to not only be open to the Lord's gentle admonition to your heart but also your humility in sharing it. Very classy move. Well done, sweet friend.
I do have to say though that it is comments like the above from Linda that make me not want to read blogs written by birthmothers. I was enjoying the intelligent (albeit fiesty) dialogue here. And even in the harshness it gave me a fresh perspective. But that comment being posted here is just disgusting. There is no place for that on a Christian blog. If birthmothers want to have a voice and want to educate the adoption community about how they feel- that is NOT the way to do it. Jenni- if you agree with her and I can expect to have to endure more comments like that, I am sad to say I may have to stop reading this blog, because I will not promote the display of that kind of hate, or give an ear to it. If you don't, comment moderation may be something you take into consideration.
Your friend,
K
The truth is often times hard to hear.Women have for too long been asked to be depressed instead of being angry at the ones or things that have harmed them. Indeed there are many of us Mothers of adoption loss that are finding our voices and we are done being directed as to what we can say because it just might make others uncomfortable.We have lived and many have died due to adoption.I can't help but believe this is not pleasing to the Lord and he would want the truth to be told if it will prevent one Woman or child from being harmed.If someone is getting triggered by what we are saying perhaps it is time to explore their own reactions instead of trying to silence the very ones that have been victimized.
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly was seen as being hateful? The only thing I hate is abuse.And if that makes me a not very good Christian than I plead guilty.Thank God,God loves me.For too long we have been told to "be nice" so we don't make others unconfortable.Too bad more Mothers couldn't be met with "I am sorry you were hurt,I may not understand what you have and go through, but I respect your right to express your reality.That would be an act of love.
Jeni,feel free to delete my posting if you need to.Mothers are used to being deleted.
Truly,Linda Webber
Hey, friend! I heard about this drama from another friend who reads the other blog you're talking about. WHOA! Anyway, I haven't read much into this or know much about what's going on. But what I will tell you is that the challenges we face in adoption (from anyone about mostly anything) often makes us stronger. You either are humbled and learn you are wrong or you are humbled and learn you need to be stronger....but either way, there's thought, passion, and renewal. And personal growth is awesome! Woo hoo!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty and openness about your experiences has touched me more than any other person on the BCS forums. You are also one of the online friends I trust the most. And I also know that when you respond, it's God first and Jenni second.
Whether you were right or wrong in this blog situation---I know your heart is in the right place. I hope you find peace and understanding in the arms of God. :)
Lots of love!
Not much else to add to what others have already said. You are one of my role models for being a godly wife, mom, and woman, and I am pretty sure that anyone who reads what you have to say for any length of time will see Him shining through. You're taking the high road, not because you're trying to prove yourself the "bigger person," but because you are striving to glorify HIM. That's what it's all about. :)
ReplyDeleteI posted anonymously last time. I will continue to do so but I just wanted to say that I am proud of you for posting this. I know that when you have posted other things that have been taken certain *ahem* "ways" that was not your goal. They did come across that way, but I can tell from the " :) " you add at the end of your sentences that you are trying to tell your point of view/opinion in a kind manner-sometimes. There is no real point to blogging about a post that someone else wrote just to pick it apart to your readers in a negative light. That was what bothered me. I just wanted you to know that in real life I have many times said things that I meant, but wish I would have been able to convey them in a tone that people could hear and not be offended by as you wish to do. And I am sorry that all this "controversy" started in the first place.
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