Angry and bitter... Bitter and angry...

I wanted to talk about those things tonight.  I've been thinking about so, so much for the last couple of weeks, but life has just prevented me from getting my thoughts down on the computer.  Sick husband, sick kids.  Husband working hundred hour weeks, me getting sick.  Sewing some things for my sister's nursery and helping her get ready for her first baby (who is, as of tonight, 5 days overdue) ...  Things have just piled up.  In fact, I should REALLY be cleaning the kitchen right now.  But I need to take a few minutes for myself to let some thoughts out.  Nobody will die if there are some dishes in the sink in the morning.  They'll keep. :)

There are certainly no shortage of perceptions of women who have relinquished children. There are many labels that get tossed around, and I've been called most of them. :) Some by well-meaning people who were looking for the kind and compassionate thing to say, and some who definitely intended to wound me... But the funny thing is, whether meant for good or meant for harm, I don't think anyone has hit the nail on the head yet. :)  When you're a "birth mom" (I'll use that term because that is the Goliath of labels,) people like to think that they have you figured out. I'm not really sure why that is. But my hypothesis is that there are so many myths about WHY women relinquish children, and HOW that process takes place, and WHO these people really are... that the truth just gets lost in the mix.  The real voices are small, and the paid ones are loud.

In all honesty, I believe that it is much more comfortable for the majority of people to assign a label or embrace an existing one than to open themselves up to the stories of people living through adoption. I mean, since we are being honest here, let's just acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and put it out there - that many people have a NEED to put birth moms (and adoptees) in a box that is comfortable for them, because to do otherwise would require a lot of introspection, hearing new and difficult things, and rethinking a lot of the old widely accepted warm fuzzies about ADOPTION. I think of it like looking into one of those mirrors that magnifies things so that you can see really up close... I look great when I have my makeup all done if I am just looking into a normal mirror! LOL But if I lean in close to the smaller one mounted to the side of my bathroom countertop, I can see that underneath all my Mary Kay are some pores, fine lines, and the occasional wirey little chin hair that must be plucked immediately! (Had to have a little bit of a laugh.:) ) But even if I didn't have that magnifying mirror to show me, those imperfections would still be there. Truth is truth, regardless of if you want to stare it in the face or cover it up with something prettier and more lovely to look at.

It IS uncomfortable to think about adoption as anything other than beautiful and bittersweet and sacrificial and a ministry because if you do, that leaves you with some SERIOUS you know what to sort through. If you dissect those myths and labels, then you will have to go to some painful places and do some soul-searching. You may have to travel down a path that does not meet your expectations for what you NEED adoption to be. It is much, much easier to accept and embrace the status quo, because, to use a southern term, it is dolled up to perfection. All the marketing,and tearful concerts, and fundraisers, and videos set to sappy music, and National Adoption Month, and Sanctity of Life Sundays, etc... But I know you have more common sense than that! I believe that if you take a moment to think for yourself, you will see that behind all of that perfectly orchestrated, professionally designed and marketed hooplah, you have REAL living, breathing souls whose lives are PERMANENTLY changed, often because of an emotional appeal and pretty packaging.

And into the mix comes this phenomenon of believing that if you have anything critical to say of the current adoption system in this country, that you are just angry and bitter and need to find some peace in your life. It actually makes me smile a bit as I type that out.  Any criticism or evaluation or judgment of how the process takes place is deemed "anti-adoption" and immediately cast aside as having no validity or credence - ESPECIALLY if it has come from the mouth of a birth mother.  I'll even stick my neck out there and go one step further to say that within the community of Christians, it is almost sacrilege.  But it is true, isn't it?  I mean, let's be frank.  I grew up with adoption agencies coming into my church with tearful speakers on the beauty of adoption and the dire need for people to support it so that we could reduce abortions and provide loving homes for unwanted children. I mean, who wouldn't want to jump on that train??  Um, anybody with even half a heart! :)  Little did I know then that there is a false correlation between the decision to relinquish vs. the decision to abort.  But it sure did sound serious at the time. 

And then there is all of the talk about how as believers, we are all adopted into the family of God... and that Moses and Samuel and Esther and Jesus were all adopted... Look at how much God LOVES adoption!  Nevermind the fact that, although indeed we ARE adopted into the family of God, and although all those others were in essence adopted as we read about in the Bible, all of those examples are nothing, nothing, nothing at all, not in the least, similar to how DIA works today.  No resemblance at all.  So I think it would be much more accurate to say that God, in His perfection and wisdom DOES use adoption to carry out His decrees and that He does indeed take great pleasure in working out His will as He sees fit.  He takes pleasure in caring for His children and in meeting all of our needs (notice I did not say "wants".)  But that is not the stamp of approval on adoption - even big Christian adoption agencies.  I want to talk further about the whole subject of the sovereignty of God and the sinful acts of men and how that relates to adoption, but it seems more fitting for another time.  I guess that would also take us off on a pretty big rabbit trail...  I think of Joseph's words to his brothers when he said to them, "Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." (Genesis 50:20)

And so that brings me back to the whole angry and bitter label, because I just really long for people to be able to make a distinction between what it looks like to really be bitter or to learn to live alongside grief by laying it at the foot of the cross every day... To be able to submit to a God who sits on the throne of the universe and "neither slumbers nor sleeps" and yet have a morally justifiable anger against unethical practices of those who have the word "Christian" in their name or who call their actions a ministry.  It is not acceptable to paint things a simple black or white in adoption.  We can't say, well God is FOR adoption, and this is a Christian agency, so if you have a problem, you just need to heal and find peace because you are hurting.  No, what we would do better to say is, God does orchestrate the lives of people to include adoption.  He does all things well.  But He will still hold the guilty accountable for wrongs committed against others.  He does not condone dishonesty or greed or selfishness EVEN IF the end result sometimes looks favorable on the outside.  Does the God who spoke the earth into existence, who caused a 90 year old Sarah to bear a child, who parted the sea for the children of Israel, who caused the sun to stand still for Joshua, who sent fire from heaven for Elijah and David and Solomon, who shut the mouths of lions for Daniel, (we could go on and on and on...) Is that the God who needs man to delude, connive or persued people in order to accomplish His purpose?  Not the God I serve. (Sorry, Susannah and I are on a role during her Bible time looking through all the accounts in the Old Testament where God miraculously intervened for His people, so I have those people on the brain. LOL)

So, I guess if you are compelled to label me, you might want to call me a misfit. :) Because I am not anti-adoption.  I am pro reform in adoption.  I am a woman who labels herself a follower of God, a woman who is learning to live with and submit to the immense loss that adoption has brought into my life, a person who seeks justice and transparency and change in our current adoption system for the health and protection of everyone involved, and a mother who looks forward with expectant hope to what I will learn in the future about what God has been doing all along, for our good and for His glory.  You see, as I said before, it is never just black or white.