Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

Well, today is the day!  We get to meet lots of bloggers who we previously may not have known and pick their brains about adoption-related issues.  Sounds like the perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and settle in. :)

Just in case you are just tuning in, Heather over at Production, Not Reproduction initiated this fabulous opportunity for Open Adoption Bloggers to interview one another.  I encourage you to check out the link and read some blogs that might be new to you.  I plan to hunker down tonight after my kids are in bed. :)  Click here for a complete list of bloggers who participated. 

I was paired with Andrea, who writes about her perspective as an adoptee on her blog entitled The Sought-After.  (Very neat title, by the way.) She is an intriguing woman who wears the hats of wife, mother, English professor, wilderness expert/enthusiast and adoptee.  I very much enjoyed familarizing myself with her blog and doing this interview with her.  I can't seem to soak up enough of the adult adoptee perspective.  Below are the questions I asked and her responses...  You can find her interview of me HERE if you are interested in more reading. :)

1) Would you be willing to share any memories (positive or negative) of specific times growing up when your thoughts were more focused on the fact that you were adopted? During those times, were you open with your parents about your feelings, or were your thoughts private?

When I was growing up, if someone said I looked like someone famous--Shirley Temple and Natalie Wood were two I remember--I wondered if I were somehow related to that person; I especially wondered if she were my mother. I think I told my parents about it, but they didn't really make a big deal about it.

2) Before you knew anything specific of your birth mother or met her, did you have a desire for her to grieve your absence and regret her choice, to be “at peace” with her decision and have moved forward with her life, or a mixture of both?

When I began thinking about my adoption with a semi-adult's mind (18 years old +), I wanted my birth mother to want me and miss me and to regret giving me up. Since I came from the long era of closed adoption, I always had to invent what my birth mother's situation was until I met her when I was 34. By then, I was a fully formed adult. She is still very terse about her experience of being pregnant with me and of placing me for adoption, so I still don't really know if she regrets her choice or grieved my absence. I'm sure she is still burdened by the shame that was heaped upon her for having premarital sex and getting pregnant. I wish she would say, "I wanted to keep you."

3)How did reunion with your birth family meet your expectations or fall short of your expectations? Did you feel any type of frustration or burden to meet expectations your birth family or your adoptive family might have had regarding the reunion?



My reunion fell short of my expectations in that I didn't really connect with my birthmother in any significant way. We are very different in most ways I can think of, so we have very little common ground upon which to forge our relationship. We don't look much alike, and we don't share any intellectual pursuits or hobbies. It was really disappointing to me to find that I don't even look like her. I think the only frustration I felt about our reunion was my own, not from anyone else's expectations.

4)Do you feel that your experience as an adopted person has influenced the way you approach marriage and parenting? If yes, how so?


Yes. I think being adopted kept me at loose ends for many years. It was very difficult for me to believe that anyone (ie a marriage partner) would not eventually leave me.



I didn't marry until I was 33.


I also didn't have children until I was 36, when my only child was born. Since his birth, we have dealt with infertility--I waited too long to start having babies--and while I really wanted another child, I haven't been able to come to terms with adopting a child, given what I know about how it feels to be adopted.

5)The light bulb is starting to come on for many people regarding the fact that adoption is often not really about the person it has always claimed to be about – the adoptee. But what do you believe is still the biggest elephant in the room? If you could speak your most honest thought regarding adoption with no fear of hurting or angering anyone, what would you need or want to say?

I think it's important for everyone to know that adoption isn't the "triple happy solution" that it's sometimes made out to be: the adopted child gets a home, the infertile parents get a baby, and the birth parents get to go on with their lives; everyone's happy. People must be made aware that adoption is a big deal--the emotions involved in adoption can't be swept under the carpet. Women do not forget the babies they relinquish. Adopted people need to know their origins. Adoptive parents must not enter the adoption world because they want to "save" children.


It's hard to answer all of these questions because I'm writing them to you--a birth mother. In general, I feel nervous about airing my true feelings about adoption because I'm very afraid of hurting someone in my adoption constellation. Perhaps this comes through in my blog. It's also hard to answer these questions because I'm so tired of people responding to my explanations of how I feel as an adoptee with statements such as, "But we all have feelings of insecurity and not belonging; we all have issues with identity. It's not because you're adopted." Well, I think it is because I'm adopted, and I think a lot of adoptees feel that way, but our voices are not heard.

I also think that birth mothers and adoptees suffer very similar kinds of pain--we both grieve huge losses in private. I hope reading all this isn't too painful for you. I'd love to hear your thoughts.Best wishes, Andrea

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Thanks, Andrea, for your honest answers.  They were not painful at all for me to read, but rather, just more to think on... And that's a good thing. :)