The freedom to write...

I have not intended to have such a long intermission here on my blog.  I began breaking down my story a couple of weeks ago and intended to continue it a few days later.  But there have been some legitimate reasons to pause before hitting that "publish" button.  The biggest reason has been my hesitation to continue digging into painful things.  Don't get me wrong.  I am very much ready to talk about my adoption experience.  But if I talk about my experience, that means that I also speak of other people in my life... People who are of great worth to me... People I do not want to wound.  It means talking about family relationships and very personal details of our lives.  It means not only opening up myself to criticism, but possibly opening up my family and maybe some friends to criticism or misunderstanding.  The last thing I want to do with my blog is hurt other people.  I live with a lot of pain because of adoption, but that does not mean that I ever want to hurt others. 

The intent of my blog is not to be a sounding board for anger or sarcasm, but rather, I actually want to accomplish a few things. :) 

1) I want to get my story out there. 

2) I want to dispel stereotypes (good and bad) about adoption. 

3) I want to show people who have only thought about adoption in a simplified way that it is COMPLICATED.   But then I want to offer some solutions and some hope when the complexities seem too much to take in. 

4) I want people to see that my joy and my survival comes from my relationship with a tender and wise God who is sovereign, rather than a sovereign God who loves adoption in its contemporary form.  Big difference. 

5)  I want to help people understand more about the truth of adoption so that they can own their choices - whether they are a person considering relinquishment or a person considering adopting.  Guilt is a heavy cross to carry, and there is a lot that an agency will not tell you, nomatter which client you are and no matter if the agency has "Christian" in their name.

6)  I want to create a place for people to connect with others who can understand their experience.  I used to think I was crazy until I found the internet and connected with gobs of other people who had always thought THEY were crazy too.  And here's the cherry on top:  A "birthmother" who is a Christian, who believes in the sovereignty of God in all things, yet who believes that contemporary adoption needs serious reform?  Yep.  I'm that gal. :)  And I'm not the only one.  In fact, there are also quite a few adoptive parents who agree, not to mention many, many adoptees -  all people who are often dismissed as not spiritual enough or mature enough to see that adoption is all beautiful and biblical.  Well, not here.  This is a place of respectful, open dialogue.

7)  This last goal is very lofty, but let's just go for it anyway. :)  I want to effect change in a way that will make adoption more ethical and more like showing the love of Christ to others, rather than the status quo, which is finding babies for families under the guise of ministering to pregnant women.  When the chief client is the adoptive couple and the main goal is getting their fees, then things get really skewed.  This is not an easy thing to talk about, but we know that the paying client is the top client - even for a non-profit.  Can you imagine what would happen if the people the agencies cater to the most would put their foot down and say, "I can't work with you if you conduct business in this way?"  It would revolutionize contemporary adoption.  But you can't put your foot down about what you don't know.  So I'm going to start the conversation.  I hope those with the balance of power will listen compassionately.

I feel good about writing here, now.  I had a really wonderful conversation with my mom today.  As circumstance would have it, we were both home from church sick. :)  We ended up talking on the phone for a long time, and she divulged to me that she had found my blog.  Yeah, that would be major for me.  But the first words that followed that revelation were, "... and I just want to tell you that you are doing a great job and good for you."  I didn't expect that from her... not because she is not an affirming mom, but because we are talking about some serious stuff here.  We talked about many things and finally had to get off the phone after being on for waaaay too long.  Of course, there are some things that she sees differently.  But she understands that I am writing from my experience and not through her eyes.  And she is ok with that.  She "gets it".  She encouraged me to keep writing and to keep talking about the hard, important stuff.  I can't tell you how much relief it brings me.  It lifts a very large elephant off of my chest and puts a tiny spring in my step.  Because I love my mom. (I love you, Mom!)  I don't want to tell my story at the expense of anyone else.  But I also don't want to be quiet.  I expressed to her that my number one goal is to tell my story with truth and integrity.  And now that we have crossed the hurdle of even bringing up the blog, it opens up the door for more conversations and more sharing of perspectives.  It is the possibility of understanding one another better and bringing more healing to the situation.  We have been so close for a long time, but we usually have just skimmed the surface of adoption "stuff".  It's just not something we talk about very much, and I assume that is because it is very painful for both of us.  But now we have a really great start.

I am ready to get back to writing... to being able to express grief and hopes and the need for change in adoption.  Thanks for giving me that freedom, Mom.  I don't know of anything bigger you could have offered me right now, and I want you to know how much it means to me.