Round 2 on ethics... Profile Books

So I wanted to get back to the discussion on "Dear Birthmother" letters and profile books.


I want to start out by saying that I truly, wholeheartedly believe that many if not most of the waiting families behind these letters and scrapbooks have noble intentions. They are often at the beginning stages of their adoption journey and usually have very few reference points with regard to adoption. They may know someone else who adopted or they may be getting most of their information through their agency. Perhaps their church has someone from an agency come on "Sanctity of Life Sunday" or they just believe what the vast majority of people even outside of adoption believe, which is that adoption is a loving, selfless, sacrificial thing to do. Afterall, it builds families, right?

Here is a link to an online forum in which we had a great discussion on this very subject between adoptive parents and women who relinquished. Beware: It is 6 pages, but well worth the read. :)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the letters and scrapbooks, here is the definition in a nutshell... Waiting families are encouraged to present information about themselves in the form of a scrapbook, so that expectant mothers considering relinquishment can select a family for their child. "Dear Birthmother" letters are often at the beginning of the book - a heartfelt letter directed at the mother, detailing the couple's emotions toward adoption and summarizing their lives.

So from the get-go, I believe that these books are a bad idea because they are designed to be emotional, both for the family creating them and the person reading them. So much pressure is put on families to stand out to the women reading the books because that is how they are going to select a new family for their child. For the women reading them, it is an emotional appeal to them for their baby. I have to stop here and shout from the rooftop... ANY TIME YOU ARE MAKING AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL TO SOMEONE FOR THEIR CHILD, IT IS PREDATORY AND UNETHICAL, EVEN IF YOU DON'T REALIZE IT. Ok, whew. Glad I got that off my chest. :)

There are several things that greatly concern me about the letters/profiles, but I want to start off with what I believe to be the biggest issue: presenting books to women during their pregnancy. On the surface, you might be thinking, "Jenni, what in the world do you see wrong with that? It gives the woman CHOICES, and isn't that a good thing?" I do think choice is a good thing, but when you beef up every choice except for the one that allows the woman to keep her baby, then it is coercive.

Let's say, just for the sake of making it easier to grasp, that your younger sister is unexpectedly pregnant and single. She is very contrite about the decisions that brought her to her current situation, and she is really in a pinch. She is still in college and living at home with your parents. She is the first one in the family to go to college, and your parents have a very humble situation as far as the house you have grown up in, the cars they drive, etc. Your dad is a construction worker, and your mom is a waitress. Your sister sees the honor in their hard work, but she is afraid that it will just be too much strain on everyone to make ends meet with another mouth to feed. She goes to an adoption agency to get some information. She states that she is thinking about adoption but is not sure. Afterall, she is only about 12 weeks along. She is told that adoption is so different than it used to be. Now, the counselor says, you can actually choose the family who will adopt your baby, and you can stay in touch through letters, pictures, and visits. Your sister is shown several profile books of waiting families to give your sister an idea of what the process is like. She opens those books to find, on the first page, a letter that says, "Dear Birthmother, Thank you so much for choosing life. The fact that you have chosen adoption for your child speaks to what a brave and selfless woman you are. You do not know us, be we have already been praying for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" The letter goes on about how they were not able to have children but how Jane is so excited to resign from her job as a kindergarten teacher to be a stay-at-home mom and take Baby to the park and to play groups. Bob is an attorney who loves to hike and build model airplanes, and they both love to take vacations to experience new places... Their favorite was the trip to the Grand Canyon. They are planning another vacation this year to Hawaii. They are an attractive couple, who seem so sincere and friendly. Plus, they want a baby so badly.

Ok. So your sister is just reeling from what an awesome couple she has just read about. She is only 12 weeks along, but this seems like the answer to everything. Here are these wonderful, sweet people who are longing for a baby, and she DEFINITELY doesn't have anything they described in their profile. In addition, there is the unintentional suggestion that she has already made the decision to relinquish by calling her a birthmother and telling her that she is very brave and selfless for her decision to chose adoption. Now, the couple means no harm by this, but they have no idea that this is a coercive situation. They are just patterning their book after the ones their agency social worker showed them as examples, right? They were just "speaking from their hearts".

I am hoping that you can understand where I am going with this. Books unintentionally discourage parenting because they present all that the woman knows she does not have materially. It makes her feel that if she decides to parent her baby, she is somehow being selfish or making the wrong decision because it is inferior to what she is seeing in these books. She is already being applauded for a choice she has not yet made. What would your gut be telling you about your sister's situation? Would you immediately say, "Thank God for this couple!" Or would you say, "Hold on! It is so early to be doing all of this! Let's just wait and see what we can come up with. We can figure out a way to keep our family together!" Because it is sooooooooo easy to think you know what someone ELSE should do until it happens to YOU.

If information was given to women after their babies were born and they had time to re-make their decision to relinquish, then that is one thing. But the ball starts rolling the minute those profiles pop out. It becomes a tidal wave that is almost impossible to get off. If the decision to relinquish is made completely based on information concerning the mother's situation, then at least she can own that. But you cannot force a woman to compete with financially blessed, advantaged couples that are making an emotional plea for a child. It is just not right. It can't be defended. The decision has to be made independently. THEN she can begin to look at who will be the right fit for her child. Adoption is about finding a home for a child, not about finding a baby for a family. The only person disappointed by making this change is the waiting family. The baby is certainly not harmed. Nor is the mother.

So back to the emotional aspect of profiles and letters. I have taken part in lots of discussions where waiting adoptive moms have asked, "What SHOULD we include in profiles if what is normally accepted is harmful?" Some like the answer and some don't, but I've yet to speak with a woman who has relinquished who does not think this is a fabulous idea. In fact, some very ethical agencies already have this policy in place. And that is the "fact sheet". The fact sheet lists very basic information about an adoptive couple and includes one picture of their current family. It includes things like age, ethnicity, education, careers, religious affiliation, degree of openness sought... It is a very bare bones introduction to the couple. This would allow for the woman viewing the fact sheet to base decisions completely on the facts. There is no emotional appeal, no flashy pictures, no talks of vacations or mention of how long the couple has longed for a child. And honestly, it takes the pressure off the adoptive couple because you can simple list the truth about yourself with no competition to make the best book or say the right thing or stand out from the rest of the waiting families. You are what you are. :) Once the expectant mother has found fact sheets that coincide with her initial criteria, she can then request some more detailed information about those families. Again, this could be very much like an essay portion of a test, for lack of a better way to describe it. Examples of good questions would be, "How would you describe your philosphy on parenting? What is your plan for disciplining and training a child's heart? Do you have any thoughts on what type of education you want for your children? Public school, private school, Christian school, home school? What do you believe about divorce? When problems arise in your family, as they do in all families, what is your strategy for mending relationships? How do you deal with conflict in your home? How much importance do you put on nutrition and exercise? How much is the TV a part of your time at home? What are the things you would most want to change about yourself?" These are just a very FEW, but a great place to start. Because honestly, I can tell you as a person who has given my child to another family, I don't give two hoots about how much your husband loves to do sparklers with your nephews on the 4th of July... I want to know how you would PARENT my child. What would you do to shape the life of the person I am giving to you? So often the only thing that is really offered in Dear Birthmother letters is the promise to love and care for the child. Well, I would do that myself, so that is not anything that is going to convince me that I should give you a person! It kind of makes me laugh when I read that! Most people would want to know more from the veterinarian caring for their dog than they offer of substance in a profile or letter. I don't know if that is because they just don't know WHAT to write or if they are just too nervous to really bare who they are.

I'm not ragging on adoptive parents. I know that these profiles and letters are required very early on in the process. Agencies usually have only offered a couple of informational meetings and may have had a token "birthmother" come to a meeting who is "at peace" with her decision. (Am I totally overusing the quotes? :) I know because I used to be the token birthmother for a few years post-relinquishment. In fact, I hate myself for it, but I actually helped make a nationally viewed video for Bethany. I would give almost anything to take that back. But you can't make a decision on Monday with information you won't get until Wednesday. And that is what happened in that case. I still believed that the agency and adoptive parents could treat me any way they wanted because I had done such a terrible thing by getting pregnant in the first place. I didn't deserve to have any say in the details because I should just be thankful that they were there to swoop in and help! Right?! I mean, I actually remember saying at one fundraiser banquet that I was accepting that Ellen's family had closed our adoption agreement because it was fair to them to be able to move on and not be constantly reminded that she was adopted. (Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor. I actually said it. Multiple times, I think.)

We need to be able to talk about the hard stuff... the stuff that may make us feel stupid or guilty or foolish. We need to do it for the sake of the people who have not been through the process yet. We owe it to the children who might be separated from their families. We owe it to the women who would never get over the trauma of giving their baby away. We owe it to the adoptive parents who may be guilt-ridden and angry at themselves when they realize they did not know what they needed to know to have an ethical adoption. We need to talk about why profile books and Dear Birthmother letters and YouTube videos with sad CCM music playing in the background are coercive. It might hurt your feelings, but you know what? Those feelings can be repaired. Giving your child to another person is permanent. And ultimately, if we are honest with ourselves, it is better to be at peace with the Lord about how we conduct ourselves rather than look to our own interests only.

It is almost 1 am, and Vacation Bible School starts in the morning. This is Susannah's first year of being old enough to go. So I need to get her stuff ready. :) How exciting to be 4 and doing something new for the first time! Well, off to bed I go. Pray over your thoughts on adoption. Don't just take my words for it. Meet with the Lord and seek His blessing on what you are doing. Perhaps there is no blessing for it. Perhaps you are to go in a different direction. I mean that for waiting families and expectant parents alike. We'll chat more tomorrow. Thanks for listening...