In answer to your questions... :)

The reader of another blog contacted me this morning regarding some comments I had made on another discussion. I won’t link to it because it would be a TON of reading to catch up, but I’ll summarize it in a nutshell…


A woman struggling through infertility posted on her blog about a very recent (as in, the funeral has not yet taken place) death in her family. Sadly, the person who tragically died was the mother of a brand new three-week-old baby. The point of the blog post was not to discuss the tragedy of the accident, but rather, it was to discuss how badly she wanted that baby, and when it would be best to approach the new widower about the subject. To her delight, she didn’t have to worry about how to approach it because another family member had the same idea. She wanted to adopt the baby, but only if the other woman didn’t want the baby first. (Oh, do I wish I had emoticons.) A fellow blogger asked her (in a very self-controlled way, I might add) to please consider how backwards her thinking was on this. The initial blogger (Alicia) expressed that she believed this tragedy was God’s way of orchestrating the opportunity for her to finally become a mother. The commenter (Christina) tried to offer that adoption is not designed to find babies for people who want them, but rather, to provide homes for children who need a home. In the case of this newborn, he already had a capable father who was still in shock grieving his wife’s sudden death. How could this child possibly be viewed as someone who did not have a home or someone to care for him? Anyway, it just got out of hand, and rather than responding to Christina’s questions, Alicia pulled the “do you know where you would go if you died tonight” card and went off on a very inappropriate and unrelated tangent sharing the plan of salvation with Christina. It was a trainwreck. I left some comments, trying to offer the perspective of another Christian who felt it was an inappropriate venue, and another commenter who was in agreement with Alicia came to my blog and had a couple of questions for me.

He was very respectful, and I want to answer him honestly, so here is what he posed to me:

“Hi Jenni,

You posted a comment on another blog and instead of replying there since it is off the main point of the post I thought would come to your blog.  You profess to be a Christian, so if I was not a Christian and had 3 minutes left to live, what would you say to me?  Also, when is it an appropriate time to share your faith and when isn't it?  Thank you for your time.”

So this is to the poster, known as Galatians 2:20, and anyone else who might be wondering the same thing…

I don’t mind answering your question at all. :)  Although, because your question stems from the discussion over on the other blog, I think it is imperative to set my comments and my explanation of them within the proper context.

I absolutely believe with all of my being that as Christians it is our duty and privilege to bring the gospel to others. No doubt about it. You asked if you were an unbeliever and had 3 minutes left to live, what I would share with you. Well, without a doubt, I would compel you to look to Christ. I would be very compassionate yet direct with you about what God tells us about eternity. But here is the thing: In the context of the other blog conversation, it was not a life and death moment, not a moment in which all else should be cast aside and an urgent plea made. It was just totally inappropriate. The discussion at hand was about adoption, where Christina outlined her concerns over Alicia’s view on adopting her family member’s baby. Alicia did not address Christina’s questions at all, but rather dismissed them entirely, and then proceeded to go completely off-topic and cite every misinterpreted verse in the Bible where she believes that adoption has God’s stamp of approval. On top of that, she then goes into a detailed sharing of the gospel, which automatically falls on deaf ears because she has just finished dismissing everything Christina said. Sharing Christ is not about ignoring everything else about a person and forcing them onto the topic of total depravity and Christ’s atonement. If you mistreat a person, dismiss them, plug your ears as you hum la-la-la, and then plunge into, “Do you know where you would go if you died tonight?” they are not going to hear anything you have to offer them, no matter if it is truth.

I am an absolute living trophy of God’s grace. I am one hundred percent a Saul turned Paul. It overwhelms me daily that God would love me and have mercy on me when I was doing everything I could to run away from Him. But I can’t help anyone see how amazing and beautiful that is if I treat them rudely right before I offer it. We must treat people with compassion and grace. If we cannot be kind to them, our sharing of the gospel means nothing because we are more concerned with spreading our message than with authentically reaching people and seeing a change in them.

I Corinthians 13 speaks plainly on this. It tells us that “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I don’t want to be a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. I want to be patient and kind with those who do not share my faith. I do not want to be rude or seek to make my point at all costs (even if my point is to share the gospel). I would rather show love to the person by listening to them, valuing them as a person (translate: love them as ones for whom Christ died) and seek to gain their respect and trust so that they might receive what I have to say at the appropriate time regarding their need for Christ and the truth of the gospel. We can’t blindside people by attacking them with Scripture and trying to scare them into eternity. We must compel them with our own lives as examples of what the love of God, the death of Christ, the power of the resurrection and the keeping of the Holy Spirit can do to change our lives forever.

I have heard it wisely said before that sharing the gospel is not JUST sharing the gospel. It is sharing your own soul with another person. I Thessalonians 2 is a wonderful expression of this. Bear with me in reading the first twelve verses:

“For you yourselves know, brethren, that our visit to you was not in vain; but though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had the courage in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the face of great opposition. For our appeal does not spring from error or uncleanness, nor is it made with guile; but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never used either words of flattery, as you know, or a cloak for greed, as God is witness; nor did we seek glory from men, whether from you or from others, though we might have made demands as apostles of Christ. BUT WE WERE GENTLE AMONG YOU, LIKE A NURSE TAKING CARE OF HER CHILDREN. SO, BEING AFFECTIONATELY DESIROUS OF YOU, WE WERE READY TO SHARE WITH YOU NOT ONLY THE GOSPEL OF GOD BUT ALSO OUR OWN SELVES, BECAUSE YOU HAD BECOME VERY DEAR TO US.


For you remember our labor and toil, brethren; we worked night and day, that we might not burden any of you, while we preached to you the gospel of God. You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our behavior to you believers; for you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to lead a life worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.”

This doesn’t mean that I have secret motives when I befriend a person who does not think like me. I am not lying in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce on them or back them into a corner and spoon feed Scripture to them. It means that I believe that there are times for frank discussions, and there are times for LIVING my faith as an example. I must first take an interest in them as a person if their soul will truly mean anything to me. Otherwise, we reduce people to another check mark in the wall… one more notch in our “witnessing” belts. Ugh. I grew up in a Christian school that routinely emphasized in its chapel services that it was of importance to win as many souls as possible to Christ.  But it was done in a way that reduced people to a notch on a belt, another point on the score card, as if it was some type of competition or evidence of being "more holy" if you had led the most people to the Lord.  I don’t think this is the heart of Christ. People are not to be notches in our belts.  I have a very distinct memory of being in junior high in one of those chapel services with the preacher going on and on about this and feeling like a complete and total loser because at the age of 12 I had never led anybody to the Lord.  ??? Seriously.

You must also understand that the world of adoption is a place in which far too many people have been immeasurably wounded by religion, selfishness and greed disguised as ministry, and covetousness backed by biblical accounts of adoption. It breaks my heart. There are a lot of people out there spouting off Bible verses who don’t have any real knowledge. They are just regurgitating things they have heard elsewhere. It is damaging and well, just plain wrong. It harms the cause of Christ way more than it helps it. I will even go as far as to say that I think Satan rejoices when this type of thing happens because he knows it complicates things even further and causes a greater divide between truth and what is just commonly and blindly accepted about adoption. Very sad, indeed.

Anyway, now I have written way more than you wanted to read, so I apologize for that. I am at home with sick kids today, so there isn’t much I can do besides sit here with two little girls snuggling me on the couch. I’m not complaining, though. :)  I hope you’ll stick around to read more and hear what others have to say. And I hope I answered your questions sufficiently.  Thanks for listening.

Really quick, before I forget...

I LOVE talking to people and listening to them tell me about their lives.  It is always so interesting to me to get below the surface and find out who somebody REALLY is and what makes them tick... you know, what types of experiences have influenced them and shaped who they are.  I am always amazed at how much more beautiful a person is to me after I have been given a small window into their life for a few minutes.  It has helped make me a more compassionate person and taught me WAY MORE than I could have ever known that I didn't know!  How is that for confusing! LOL 

Anyway, if you are like me and want to soak up more and gain a better perspective on the very complex world of adoption, I encourage you to check out the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project over at Production, Not Reproduction.  You can also click on the button to the right to find out the details.  I am excited about participating and getting to know another blogger, not to mention, finding new blogs to read.  Don't be shy!  Jump in and learn from someone else!  And have a voice! :)

Growth and change... The first of the story

Well, for those of you who stay pretty connected with me, you know this has been a rocky adoption week.  The blog was private for a couple of days while I was getting more information on why in the world some total stranger would contact my agency and meddle in my personal situation.  I was told that the person (who is still unknown to me) was coming at it from an angle of "concern" for me.  I still maintain that it was completely inappropriate for someone to show "concern" for me by going behind my back, going to the agency first instead of to ME first, and jeopardizing an already delicate situation.  I will completely own the responsibility for writing on a public blog.  And I do have analytics, so I happen to know that my agency has been reading... I knew that before I got the call.  Just do me a favor, friends (and foes). I ask that if you disagree with me (and I know you will at times), please have enough compassion and decency to come to me personally, or respectfully join the discussion on the blog.  I welcome differing viewpoints as long as people keep it civil.   Afterall, the whole purpose of the blog is to facilitate discussion and give a voice to people who are often dismissed.  I stand behind what I believe.  But I am fair.  Please be fair to me.  And don't punch me in the gut in anonymity or in a passive aggressive way.  If you can't respect me, can you respect my family, my precious little girls, and my first daughter?  Because those are the people who were affected by your "concern" this week. 

With that said, I thought it might be a good time to explain a few things about where I started out and how I got to this point.  I was asked this week how I could go from being supportive of Bethany and speaking publicly for them to having a blog that talks about so much that I believe needs to be changed.  I think that is a very legitimate question and one that is worthy of a sincere response.  If you are going to be able to see where I am coming from now, you have to be able to see where I started out.  This may take a couple of posts so as not to bog you down completely in one sitting. :)

I grew up knowing about Bethany.  I grew up in the church and in a Christian home.  My church was very heavily involved with Bethany.  I knew people who adopted through Bethany, people who kept foster babies and who did interim care for Bethany, and people who opened their homes to women who were relinquishing through Bethany who needed a temporary place to stay.  I did not know anyone who had ever relinquished a child.  We regularly had "Sanctity of Life" Sunday each year, had elders in our church who were on the local Bethany Board, etc...  Bethany was always a very good thing in my mind.  So naturally, when I became pregnant right around my 17th birthday, it was THE place to go.  My parents were as lost as I was, and it was as if when we called Bethany, the cavalry was coming.  Help was on the way.  ( I promise I don't mean to sound like I am making light of this.  I am just spilling it all out, and this truly is how it was at the time.)  We, my mom and dad and I, had HOPE that they would help us sort through the possibilities.  Our heads were spinning, and we honestly were in a panic.  Well, my parents were in a panic.  And heartbroken.  Crushed.  I was humiliated by what I had done, the circumstances surrounding HOW I got pregnant (not ready to talk about that here) and basically scared out of my mind.  No, more like TERRIFIED.  I had just finished my junior year of high school and had taken Senior English in summer school.

My mom and I went to Bethany and talked with the person who had been there for years and years... someone beloved by our church and many families we knew.  She was a gentle woman, very kind and compassionate and calming.  We used up a lot of tissues in her office, but we breathed easy after we left.  We had more clarity.  I was only 8 weeks pregnant.  To this day, I truly believe that everything she said and did was from a heart that desired to help us and to show us the love of Christ.  Her heart was in her work, and she was a person of integrity.  She is now retired from Bethany.

Over the next few days after that appointment, my mom was on the phone with the Bethany office.  I was not involved in those conversations, but it was revealed to me soon after that the social worker and my parents believed I should not go through my pregnancy in my hometown.  Too many outside influences.  Too many people who would offer opinions and advice.  So... drum roll please...  I was going to go live in another city, one hundred miles away, and live with what Bethany called a shepherding family.  In a matter of a few weeks, it was all said and done... totally arranged... and I was packing my bags and driving my little red beretta down the freeway.  It didn't matter that I sobbed and begged and pleaded to PLEASE be able to stay at home.  I had no say in it.  Off I went.  I stayed in the other town the entire time I was pregnant, coming home only for a few days at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas.  I am not usually a vulgar person, but frankly, it sucked.  Bigtime.  I had never felt so alone and in despair.  If I thought I was terrified when I learned I was pregnant, it was nothing compared to how I felt when I was sent away.  Oh, and I forgot... First we had to tell my church that I was pregnant, that I was remorseful, and that I was working with Bethany.  THEN I had to leave home.  Of course, at the time, it was explained to me that it would be better if we told the church all at one time instead of just letting people gossip and spread misinformation.  Actually, it was pretty much the most humilating thing that has ever happened to me, and separated my heart from the church for quite some time.  You have to understand that at age 17, when everyone is already so disappointed and so angry and so crushed that you have messed up so badly, all you want to do is make it go away.  Make it better.  Try to repair things.  Do what it takes to make your parents and the other adults in your life approve of you.  At least, that is how I was wired, but I'm getting off track...

I don't want to go into much detail about my time in the shepherding home.  I do remember a great deal about that time, but I honestly don't want to drag anyone else into my story at this point.  As lonely and debilitatingly painful as it was to be sent away, I do have to say that the mother in the home was the first person to ever question if I truly had a relationship with God.  Of course at the time, I couldn't have been more offended! LOL  But I do credit her with asking me some hard questions about spiritual things, and causing me to evaluate my heart... all the while being very angry with her! :)  I am not proud of that, but that is how I felt at the time.

While I lived in the home, I spent my days finishing my senior year of high school via correspondence and getting some college credits through the university in the town.  Ironically, this involvement with the university would help me years and years later when my husband and I moved back to that town, because everything was familiar to me.   Actually, I find it very, very sweet that the happiest memories of my life up to this point are in that town, because for years it contained my darkest moments and was a place of instant pain for me whenever I had to visit .  I believe it was God's tenderness with me and a personal gift that he gave out of love for me, but I'll talk more about that at another time.  In addition to finishing school and starting some college work, I had some responsibilities around the house (which were good for me) and I met regularly with my social worker.

I want to go into a lot more detail with that, but it is extremely late.  Like almost 3 am late.  And since I have two little kids, I don't have any business staying up any later. :)  But your eyes are tired by this point anyway.  I'll pick back up next time.

May I recommend...

My friend Michelle has a fabulous post on recognizing loss in adoption.  She did such a great job of compelling the naysayers to acknowledge the reality of WHY adoption contains loss, nomatter what kind of adoption you have.  Her perspective comes from being in the role of adoptee, mom to bio children and mom to a child through international adoption.  She is gracious and articulate.  Go check her out!

A checklist from God

Overall, I feel good.  I feel positive.  I feel scared, but I'm alright.  In working on my letter, I have hope, and I can only live in the present.  I can't forecast grief.  I have to do what I believe is best, with the information that I have available to me (not much), and step out there.  I have continued to go through all the stuff I saved from my first pregnancy, and it is so very interesting to look at it with older eyes, an older mind, and an older heart.  It makes me want to go back and put my arms around the 17 year old who was so lonely and heartbroken.  I have tried to read some of my journal entries, but I am not quite ready to go there, yet.  When I start to read the words, I can actually go back in time in my head and see the room I stayed in at the shepherding home, think of specific moments, songs, smells... It is a sad thing for me.  I don't have a good reason to go back to those places right now, so I am going to set the journal aside until I am able to take on some of the reality of it.

I did come across some notes, though, that I thought might help some of the people out there who have a hard time understanding what my (and so many others') big beef is with Bethany.  I'm not trying to just spew ugliness about them.  Honestly.  But I have begun to realize in this grieving process that a very LARGE part of my grief is that they still counsel women in the same manner I was counseled, and people LOVE them for it.  I mean, they LOVE it.  They praise Bethany's ministry and just can't say enough good about them.  And if you bring up anything negative... look out. LOL

Well, folks, here's a glimpse into one of my counseling sessions during my pregnancy.  I would often take notes while I met with my caseworker, and this is the gem I pulled out of my files today.  It is a list of questions she wanted me to think over and answer for her during our next meeting together regarding my desire to keep my baby.  Hold on tight!

1) Am I truly searching out God's will or my own?

2) Am I being realistic about being able to go to college if I parent?

3) Am I remaining firm in my desire to parent because of outside influences and opinions?

4) Am I doing what is truly best for my child with the right motives?

5) Is my relationship with my parents suffering because I want to parent?

6) Is my relationship with God suffering because of selfishness?

7) Am I willing to humbly obey God's will as He reveals it to me?

8) Do I love God more than my baby?

9) Am I closing my eyes to the doors God is opening because of denial?

10) Am I thankful to God for what He has delivered me from so far?

Surely anyone who will be honest knows that what they just read was very sad.  Do you think that was ministry?  Was that unbiased?  Appropriate for speaking with a 17 year old who is purposefully separated from her parents?  Do you think that is something that I should look back on and respond with a "Thank God Bethany helped me see the light!"  I know the word sad is not very descriptive, but honestly, sometimes a simple word says a lot.  Sad. That is what I am every time I have read back through that today.

It is not ok to counsel women in this way.  It is using guilt and God to manipulate a desired response from someone who is in a vulnerable state physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  The woman who asked me to think on those things was not a tyrant.  She was a sweet, sincere woman in her young twenties who was working on her masters in social work.  She was nice to me.  She wrote kind little notes at the bottom of my form update letters for the first few months of my updates (until she left employment with Bethany to be closer to college friends.)  She was as sweet as candy, but she was SERIOUSLY misguided.  I have no doubt that she was well-intentioned.  I'm sure she felt sorry for me and felt somewhat uncomfortable with my emotional struggles.  I'm sure she probably entered her career with the hopes that she was going to minister to women in unplanned pregnancies and couples who suffered through infertility.  I believe I've heard the career referred to as being a "dream-maker" before? (Tongue in cheek.) 

Anyway, pure intentions or not, she bombed.  But she isn't the only one.  She is one of many, many social workers asking pregnant women if they are searching out God's will for their baby, all the while sending women home from their counseling appointments with those "Dear Birthmother" letters and profile books full of people already calling them a birthmother and praising them for being so selfless and mature and telling them their woes of being childless and having so much love to give.  I'm not being snarky.  I'm letting you into my life for about two minutes.  I'm trying to show you how something that is so important to me, my belief in God and my desire to make a right decision, was used to convince me that I needed to give my baby to someone else who God approved of more.  Go back and read it again if you need to.

I am not angry tonight.  I'm not bitter.  As I said before, I'm sad.  I'm sad that people raise money for this to happen.  I'm sad that when women talk about their experience, others are there to add insult to injury and tell them they just need to find some peace in their life.  I'm sad that so many, many people would suppose that they know God's will for other people's lives.  Maybe that is why they continue to charge so much for their services.  I would imagine that supernatural wisdom like that is worth a pretty penny. LOL

I love my God.  I am at peace with my God.  I trust my God even though I am not certain of what he is doing in my life and my daughter's life.  I live in forgiveness and freedom because He not only died for me, but then rose from the grave to show that he had overcome every evil thing, including death.  Nothing, nothing, can confine Him or test His love for me.  I do not have to accept someone else's definition of who He is or what He asks of me because He reveals Himself to me personally.  This is the hope that everyone in Christ can claim.  If you do not share my faith, I do not expect you to embrace what I am saying, but this is my source of strength and courage and confidence.

I want to write more, but I'll sleep now.

"Let those who fear the Lord say, 'His love endures forever'. In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.  The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"

Psalm 118:4-6

I dit it.

I wrote the letter.  And I feel strange.  I haven't done anything with it, but I guess the next step is to have another set of eyes read it.  I probably need to change a few things that I am not yet aware of. :)  I just kind of poured it all out and there it was.

It feels good to finally have something on paper.  I have procrastinated for so long for what I believed to be very valid reasons.  But it is time to stop hiding behind those reasons and just take a step in faith.

The bad news is that I will have to call Bethany in order to set up a meeting with them and then have them forward the letter.  The good news is that I'm no longer 17, and I don't have to feel intimidated.  It took me a long time to get here, but I'm actually pretty comfortable in my thirty-something skin.  I have some things I'd like to say, and I don't mind saying them.  It's amazing what 15 years of life can do to boost your confidence.

For the first time in a loooong time, I will have some genuine rest as I put my head on my pillow tonight.  I don't know what the future holds or if there will be a lot of heartache because of this letter.  But I have been praying about this for years, and very intensely for the last few months.  I believe it is right to move forward with it.

Is there such a thing as a safe letter?

I've been reading through what little correspondence I have between my first daughter's family and me.  There isn't much to read, but there is a lot to take in.  I have been reading through it in preparation to send them a letter around the time of her birthday.  Her birthday is in a few weeks, and she will be 15.  FIFTEEN.  That is very strange to me.  And yet those years have not passed quickly.

I have realized something very important tonight.  It may seem like a no-brainer to some, but try to be patient with me as I sort through the chaos in my life known as adoption grief. 

I really detest Bethany Christian Services' abhorrent practices,

but I love my daughter's family, and I want them to know that.  I want them to know ME, not some idea of who I might be.

I separate the two entirely in my heart.  It is strange, but true.  They are not Bethany.  They are not doing the same old stuff over and over again to women after me.  They are probably just living their lives the best that they can, and they don't know the heartache I live with.  I believe that they love me, in some way that I cannot explain, because I know that they love my daughter.  So I separate them from the people who still can't seem to understand that they have some major problems in the way they run their business.  And it IS a business.  (Another post for another night.)

I have struggled a lot with the fact that I have to rely on an agency that I don't trust to be the go between for me with a person who holds an enormous part of my heart.  As I have read and re-read the several letters I have from my daughter's family, I see so much to love and to trust.  I see much to respect.  I just have a hard time believing that all those years ago they said they did not want to hear from me anymore.  That is what I was told by the social worker... That it was too hard for my daughter's adoptive mother to be reminded of her adoption.  It was painful for her and hard for her to write back, and they hoped that I would be willing to move on with my life.

We could spend a lot of time talking about that line of thinking, but I don't want to focus on it tonight.  We all know moving on after losing a child in that way is bunk.  Living through it? Living alongside it? Living a "real" life and an "adoption" life? I am familiar with all of that.  But moving on? (Enter silent pause and crickets chirping...) It doesn't exist.  Yeah, I moved on for about 8 or 9 years.  Then I finally admitted that I was dead inside because I was grieving something everyday that no one would acknowledge.  I was expected to be grateful and healed and look back on all of it as a growing experience.  ?????

Anway, I don't have the emotional energy tonight to do justice to my adoption story.  Maybe I can do that at a later time.  The bare bones of it, though, is that I had a semi-open agreement where I was told after TPR that I couldn't know my daughter's name (not even her first name), where I was told that I could not have any more pictures of her after the first year, and where I was told by the social worker that I needed to move on and not ask for update letters after the 5th year.  The end.  Have a happy life.  You are a special person.  God bless you, honey.

(Huge exhale.) I've written a hundred letters since then that have all said something different.  None of them have ever been mailed.  I have always been too scared, or felt like I would somehow "be in trouble", or felt like I would be misunderstood... an irritation, threat, or annoyance to them.  Fifteen years not knowing my daughter's name.  Fourteen years without a picture of her.  Ten years with no word on how her life is going and who she is as a person. 

So much has happened in those years.  What do I share with them?  I want them to know I am happily married and that I have two wonderful children.  I want them to know how I have changed and grown as a person.  I want them to know about my cancers and our other family medical history.  There are some important things there.  I want to know what my first daughter is like.  I want to know her first name.  I feel like it was something that was just stolen from me...  Something that I had a right to know... Something that my grieving heart needed to know...  I did not have a closed agreement.  I would never have let her go if I had known how the contact would play out.  It was part of the "sale" to me, you know?  "Nowdays, you don't have to wonder about your relinquished child.  You can choose the family and stay in touch through letters and pictures.  You never have to wonder how she is doing." Um, it hasn't really worked out for me that way, Bethany.  But I know you still sell it like that.

I want my first daughter to know she has sisters who share some of her DNA.  I believe as a human being she has a right to know that.  I want her to know her adoption story from the person who lived it rather than someone who doesn't know me.  That is something that has always left me scratching my head because I read something peculiar very often in people's online profiles who are waiting to adopt and wanting a semi-open or closed agreement.  I want to know how you can promise to always tell a child about their "birthmom" and how she loved them so much when you will basically know nothing about her?  I guess it can go back to that quote, "If I loved my child any less, they'd still be with me." It has to be that the couple has already bought into all of that mess.  But I digress.  Back on track...

I didn't know that my state had no revocation period.  I didn't know that I didn't have to sign.  I didn't know that I was abandoning her.  I didn't know that I would be writing all of this 15 years later.  I didn't know that I would think of her every single day for the rest of my life.  I didn't know that I would be a great mom.  I didn't know.  I didn't know.  And I HATE myself for that.

So what do you write to someone when you stick your neck out and try to contact them after so long?  Will they be less wary of me since their children are all so much older?  Have they learned more about what adoption is really like just as I have?  DID THEY REALLY DESIRE TO END CONTACT LIKE THE SOCIAL WORKER SAID? Have they been wondering all along why I haven't written?  Will they rejoice or hold me at arms length?

I have been thinking over the last few months about whether or not to write a real letter or a safe letter.  I think I know now that there really is no such thing for me as a safe letter.  I just have to put my heart out there and know that I might be rejected.  The problem is that I am afraid of how I might react internally if that is what happens.  I'm not asking for anything different than what we originally agreed to.  I'm not asking them to let me into their lives or to have visits or to even write a letter directly to my daughter.  I just want her to know me from my own words.  And I want to know who she is and how she feels.

I'm going to choose to believe that her parents were as ill-prepared for and uninformed about adoption as I was.  I am going to write that letter as if they are ecstatic to be reading it.  I am going to tell them about my life and ask about theirs.  I am going to do all of this with expectant hope.  I am going to do it.  Now I just need someobody to prop me up as it all shakes out.  It is not an option to not send it this time.

My chest hurts. Breathe, Jenni.

Loving for the Greater Good?

In reading from my blog roll today, I came across some posts by Cassi and Myst regarding the school of thought that it is a greater form of love to relinquish a child than to parent them.  Their posts were sparked by a quote from another site that read, "If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me."  Needless to say, from the perspective of a woman who has relinquished, this is going to dig up some memories and emotions. 

As I read through their posts, I found myself identifying with a lot of the same feelings, but I had a little different spin on it, as well.  I thought I'd bring the discussion here and see if anyone wants to jump in.  I welcome all points of view.  I only ask that everyone be courteous and respectful of viewpoints that differ from their own.  So, no name calling, profanity or general nastiness; although, spirited, intelligent discussion is encouraged! :)  I am not really challenged to think outside of my own viewpoint if I am just called a "hater" (I left my hip hop dictionary back in middle school) or bitter and angry. (See previous post.) As an aside, I'd like to add that it confounds me that I could offer my heart up in sincerity and still be labeled a "hater" by another person who shares my faith, but I'm more interested in moving on to productive dialogue.

So back to the subject at hand, in thinking about what these other women who have lost children had to say, it occured to me that we haven't touched on the fact that as expectant moms, we were given incorrect pictures of the people waiting to adopt our children.  I am gonna come at this one from the perspective of having relinquished through a Christian adoption agency.  I know that is not the experience of everybody out there, so I'd like to hear other's experiences as well.

I was most definitely encouraged to relinquish for the following reasons: 1) I was unmarried, and my daughter's father, although 11 years older, was about at my same emotional maturity level that I was at 17.  2) I had not yet gone to college, and it was going to be a big financial strain on me to provide for my daughter. She would have to go to daycare all day while I worked my tail off.  3) I was told I did not have the wisdom and discernment at my age to parent a child. 4) I was told that it would be extremely difficult for me to find a decent husband if I was a single mom.  Nobody would want to take on all my "baggage".  Go ahead and swallow the vomit that just came up into your mouth, and then read on. :)

So there you have it.  And I guess at face value, some of those ARE important issues to explore when you are facing parenthood.  Parenthood is not playing house.  But what those issues are not are automatic reasons to give your child away to someone else.  Did I need to find some solutions to my current situation?  Oh yeah.  Babies DO need financial provision.  They DO need to be nurtured spiritually and emotionally on top of meeting their physical needs.  But the point I am getting to is that, at the time, I was told that giving my child to a waiting family was going to secure all of these things for her.  Afterall, Bethany screens all of their adoptive parents and puts them through such a rigorous application process and homestudy, right?  Well, it certainly is a sea of paperwork and questions that adoptive parents have to wade through if you go through an agency.  I will definitely give you that.  But you know what I have found in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been developing relationships with adoptive parents?  They are not superhuman.  They are just normal, everyday people who want to be parents.  Some of them have a lot of money.  Some don't.  Some are married.  Some are single or divorced.  Some are educated and some are not.  Some are discerning and some just got off the banana boat.  Some are very knowledgeable about their faith, and some haven't cracked open their Bible in months or years or ever.  I am not saying this to be critical, I am saying this to put it out there in the open that couples who are waiting to adopt are just everyday, real, fallible people like anyone else.  Many are phenomenal people, and many are real jerks.  The fact that they have completed adoption paperwork and created a scrapbook or a YouTube video does not make them any wiser, or richer or loving. They are just human beings.  At the core, they are just the same as parents who relinquish.

Before I go any further, I want to say that my intent is not to harm any of my friends who might be reading who are mothers through adoption.  I am actually very thankful to have made friends with women and men who can offer me a glimpse into the world of an adoptive parent.  It has helped me to understand more of my own situation, and that has brought some relief to me as I have grieved my closed adoption.  You have let me into your lives and been honest with me about the not-so-lovely parts of adoption from your perspective, and even though that can be painful for me, it opens my mind up to experiences outside my own.  But I am about to open up another can, and I wanted to warn anyone reading that what follows might be hard to read at first...

It pains me to no end that I was deemed not good enough to parent my daughter for the reasons mentioned above, when agencies will turn around and allow single parent adoption, give loans and grants to people who cannot afford to adopt, allow people who are going through bankruptcy to adopt, allow people with no education and minimum wage jobs to adopt, allow people to adopt and then stick their children in daycare all day, and so on and so forth.  I have seen so many people come to discussion forums with all their worries because of bankruptcy, divorce, criminal records, trying to hurry up and find a church to attend for a while so that they can get a pastoral reference letter - then leave the church, and so on and so forth.  So, why is it that I wasn't good enough for their approval and help? Why is it that someone else could be in a similar circumstance to me at the time I relinquished my own daughter, but they are somehow "better" than me?  In some twisted way, I must love to my own harm for the sake of my daughter, so that she can have the opportunity to go to this dream family.  So I was told.

I believed this stuff.  I cried and cried at how torn I was.  I LOVE my firstborn.  I have loved her from the moment I knew of her existence.  Knowing her due date and being told that adoption was the best way I could show love to her was like knowing the day that someone was going to die.  You live in a perpetual state of nausea all the time (and it's not pregnancy-induced.)  I dreamed of leaving the hospital with her and just running away and making a life for myself.  But then I would be this awful, selfish, immature outcast.  And afterall, I would ruin her, right?  She deserved so much more than me.  She deserved the BEST.  Let me tell you, when I had that lighbulb moment and realized the facade of the rich, superhuman, all-wise, perfect adoptive family, I didn't know how I would live through it.  The grief that engulfed me was so crushing that I could hardly function.  When I went to my agency to discuss this discovery and emotional turmoil, they didn't know what to do with me.  Because they still didn't get it.  Even though they realize that waiting families are just normal people, there is still somehow this gigantic disconnect there about why they are not BETTER, just DIFFERENT from parents who relinquish.

I'm not trying to criticize anybody who finds themselves in any of the above-mentioned life circumstances.  Life happens and people lose jobs, find themselves in financial hardship, go through divorce (sometimes when they have no choice).  And of course there is the whole working mom and daycare vs. stay-at-home-mom discussion which I have no desire to wade into. People make the choices they deem best for their own families.  But I think you get the point I am trying to make, though.  Why was it more loving of me to consider giving my daughter to another mother who might put her in daycare when that is what I was facing? Why would it have been more loving of me to give her to a family who also didn't have much financially?  Why was it stressed to me that I was cheating my daughter out of having a father when the agency approves single parents?  I have seen marriages fall apart within a year or two after finalizing.  Do they have to give back their adopted children? I've never heard of it.  Of course not.  That is unimaginable.  Better yet, do people with bio children who go through hardships have an expectation put on them to just relinquish their kids because they are going through a rough time?  Um, nope.

So you see what I'm getting at.  Where is this truth in loving for the greater good?  Why was it more loving of me to give away my child rather than parent when I could have been placing her into similar circumstances to my own?  For the record, I'm not going to give specifics of my daughter's aparents' situation.  But I am thankful to say that they are a stable, solid, and I believe, discerning family.  My pain over their closing the adoption does not reflect on my confidence in their ability to parent my daughter well.  But I believe that my daughter's parents are by far NOT the norm from what I have seen over and over and over again among couples waiting to adopt.

Sometimes, I dislike how things have turned into a bit of an "I told you so" when it comes to how my life played out after relinquishment.  I have a very blessed life.  I had a fabulous job with a lot of respect, perks and privleges up until I made the decision to be a stay at home mom.  I have a rock solid husband who loves me, is a wonderful dad, and a hard-working provider for our family.  I have two precious daughters who I get to be with every day.  They bring so much joy into my life.  But I have actually had people CALL ME ON THE PHONE (3 different people, in fact) and ask me to talk to someone they know and convince them to relinquish their unborn child because it worked out so well for me.  I am not kidding around.  People misinterpret the blessings in my life to mean that they are BECAUSE I "made the right choice".  It hurts my chest a little to type that out.  It actually makes me need to breathe in and out deeply to release some of the strain of it.  I think it is really sad that I am still being told that adoption results in a fairy tale.  That anything good in my life cannot be because of resolve, back-breaking work, and determination, nevermind the grace and mercy of God, but it all has to be about that pivotal point in my life when I gave away my child.  Well, it was a pivotal point, alright.  It was the day that part of me died and went away forever.  It was the day that something so inconceivably awful happened that I have spent every day for the last 15 years trying to live life in spite of it.  Sorting through many, many layers of thought and realizing that what I once was told - that I was loving to my own harm for the life of another... that I was submitting to God and obediently giving my daughter something better - those were all just human words and ideas. 

I do know that there are women out there who cannot mother their children.  I know of the situations of people I love and respect, and their children's first moms have made and continue to make choices that bring about pain and difficulty in their lives and the lives of their relinquished children.  I'm not condoning a child being in an unhealthy or harmful environment.  Unfortunately, sometimes it really is necessary for children to be separated from their biological families.  But that is not really what we are talking about here.  We have been talking all along about convincing someone who loves their child that the BEST way they can love them is by giving them away.  And let me tell you... the kind of mother who falls victim to this line of thinking is the kind of mother who would move heaven and earth to provide physically, emotionally, and spiritually for her child if only encouraged and supported.  When will we begin offering the same support and understanding to biological mothers that we offer to people who long to adopt a child?  Why is it so wonderful to hold fundraising banquets and concerts with the intention of raising money for people who cannot afford to adopt?  I have more thoughts on all of that, but I have written enough.  I'll let it marinate and give myself a bit of a breather. :)

I encourage you to open up your heart to realities outside your own.  Adoption counseling is STILL going on in the manner I described in my situation.  In fact, I have been doing a little digging into some of Bethany's resources that they make available to "crisis pregnancy counselors", expectant parents, and waiting couples.  You will definitely want to know how they are currently marketing adoption, and how they are continuing to present an inaccurate at best and deceptive at worst picture about relinquishment.  But I digress...  Thanks for reading.

Angry and bitter... Bitter and angry...

I wanted to talk about those things tonight.  I've been thinking about so, so much for the last couple of weeks, but life has just prevented me from getting my thoughts down on the computer.  Sick husband, sick kids.  Husband working hundred hour weeks, me getting sick.  Sewing some things for my sister's nursery and helping her get ready for her first baby (who is, as of tonight, 5 days overdue) ...  Things have just piled up.  In fact, I should REALLY be cleaning the kitchen right now.  But I need to take a few minutes for myself to let some thoughts out.  Nobody will die if there are some dishes in the sink in the morning.  They'll keep. :)

There are certainly no shortage of perceptions of women who have relinquished children. There are many labels that get tossed around, and I've been called most of them. :) Some by well-meaning people who were looking for the kind and compassionate thing to say, and some who definitely intended to wound me... But the funny thing is, whether meant for good or meant for harm, I don't think anyone has hit the nail on the head yet. :)  When you're a "birth mom" (I'll use that term because that is the Goliath of labels,) people like to think that they have you figured out. I'm not really sure why that is. But my hypothesis is that there are so many myths about WHY women relinquish children, and HOW that process takes place, and WHO these people really are... that the truth just gets lost in the mix.  The real voices are small, and the paid ones are loud.

In all honesty, I believe that it is much more comfortable for the majority of people to assign a label or embrace an existing one than to open themselves up to the stories of people living through adoption. I mean, since we are being honest here, let's just acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and put it out there - that many people have a NEED to put birth moms (and adoptees) in a box that is comfortable for them, because to do otherwise would require a lot of introspection, hearing new and difficult things, and rethinking a lot of the old widely accepted warm fuzzies about ADOPTION. I think of it like looking into one of those mirrors that magnifies things so that you can see really up close... I look great when I have my makeup all done if I am just looking into a normal mirror! LOL But if I lean in close to the smaller one mounted to the side of my bathroom countertop, I can see that underneath all my Mary Kay are some pores, fine lines, and the occasional wirey little chin hair that must be plucked immediately! (Had to have a little bit of a laugh.:) ) But even if I didn't have that magnifying mirror to show me, those imperfections would still be there. Truth is truth, regardless of if you want to stare it in the face or cover it up with something prettier and more lovely to look at.

It IS uncomfortable to think about adoption as anything other than beautiful and bittersweet and sacrificial and a ministry because if you do, that leaves you with some SERIOUS you know what to sort through. If you dissect those myths and labels, then you will have to go to some painful places and do some soul-searching. You may have to travel down a path that does not meet your expectations for what you NEED adoption to be. It is much, much easier to accept and embrace the status quo, because, to use a southern term, it is dolled up to perfection. All the marketing,and tearful concerts, and fundraisers, and videos set to sappy music, and National Adoption Month, and Sanctity of Life Sundays, etc... But I know you have more common sense than that! I believe that if you take a moment to think for yourself, you will see that behind all of that perfectly orchestrated, professionally designed and marketed hooplah, you have REAL living, breathing souls whose lives are PERMANENTLY changed, often because of an emotional appeal and pretty packaging.

And into the mix comes this phenomenon of believing that if you have anything critical to say of the current adoption system in this country, that you are just angry and bitter and need to find some peace in your life. It actually makes me smile a bit as I type that out.  Any criticism or evaluation or judgment of how the process takes place is deemed "anti-adoption" and immediately cast aside as having no validity or credence - ESPECIALLY if it has come from the mouth of a birth mother.  I'll even stick my neck out there and go one step further to say that within the community of Christians, it is almost sacrilege.  But it is true, isn't it?  I mean, let's be frank.  I grew up with adoption agencies coming into my church with tearful speakers on the beauty of adoption and the dire need for people to support it so that we could reduce abortions and provide loving homes for unwanted children. I mean, who wouldn't want to jump on that train??  Um, anybody with even half a heart! :)  Little did I know then that there is a false correlation between the decision to relinquish vs. the decision to abort.  But it sure did sound serious at the time. 

And then there is all of the talk about how as believers, we are all adopted into the family of God... and that Moses and Samuel and Esther and Jesus were all adopted... Look at how much God LOVES adoption!  Nevermind the fact that, although indeed we ARE adopted into the family of God, and although all those others were in essence adopted as we read about in the Bible, all of those examples are nothing, nothing, nothing at all, not in the least, similar to how DIA works today.  No resemblance at all.  So I think it would be much more accurate to say that God, in His perfection and wisdom DOES use adoption to carry out His decrees and that He does indeed take great pleasure in working out His will as He sees fit.  He takes pleasure in caring for His children and in meeting all of our needs (notice I did not say "wants".)  But that is not the stamp of approval on adoption - even big Christian adoption agencies.  I want to talk further about the whole subject of the sovereignty of God and the sinful acts of men and how that relates to adoption, but it seems more fitting for another time.  I guess that would also take us off on a pretty big rabbit trail...  I think of Joseph's words to his brothers when he said to them, "Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." (Genesis 50:20)

And so that brings me back to the whole angry and bitter label, because I just really long for people to be able to make a distinction between what it looks like to really be bitter or to learn to live alongside grief by laying it at the foot of the cross every day... To be able to submit to a God who sits on the throne of the universe and "neither slumbers nor sleeps" and yet have a morally justifiable anger against unethical practices of those who have the word "Christian" in their name or who call their actions a ministry.  It is not acceptable to paint things a simple black or white in adoption.  We can't say, well God is FOR adoption, and this is a Christian agency, so if you have a problem, you just need to heal and find peace because you are hurting.  No, what we would do better to say is, God does orchestrate the lives of people to include adoption.  He does all things well.  But He will still hold the guilty accountable for wrongs committed against others.  He does not condone dishonesty or greed or selfishness EVEN IF the end result sometimes looks favorable on the outside.  Does the God who spoke the earth into existence, who caused a 90 year old Sarah to bear a child, who parted the sea for the children of Israel, who caused the sun to stand still for Joshua, who sent fire from heaven for Elijah and David and Solomon, who shut the mouths of lions for Daniel, (we could go on and on and on...) Is that the God who needs man to delude, connive or persued people in order to accomplish His purpose?  Not the God I serve. (Sorry, Susannah and I are on a role during her Bible time looking through all the accounts in the Old Testament where God miraculously intervened for His people, so I have those people on the brain. LOL)

So, I guess if you are compelled to label me, you might want to call me a misfit. :) Because I am not anti-adoption.  I am pro reform in adoption.  I am a woman who labels herself a follower of God, a woman who is learning to live with and submit to the immense loss that adoption has brought into my life, a person who seeks justice and transparency and change in our current adoption system for the health and protection of everyone involved, and a mother who looks forward with expectant hope to what I will learn in the future about what God has been doing all along, for our good and for His glory.  You see, as I said before, it is never just black or white.

An Unexpected Mercy

I wanted to move on tonight from the unexpected minor turn of events that my recent blog post produced.  But I have unfinished business, and it's not really with another blogger. It is pretty much with myself.  When I wrote the post that stirred the pot, I honestly had no idea that more than a handful of friends would even read it.  I was using my personal blog as a personal sounding board, and I naively thought that I would merely be venting my discouragment in a fairly private way.  Ummm, no.  So, first of all, I guess that I can say lesson learned as far as foolishly thinking that anything on the internet is remotely private.

I wouldn't say that my feelings were hurt, but rather, that another big fat scoop of my dignity was carved out and slung aside.  And the cherry on top was that it came, yet again, from someone who shares my faith.  From someone who I kind of dare to trust just by virtue of the fact that we would probably identify with one another in so many ways outside of the world of adoption.  So in response to that, I let it fly.  I opened the floodgates of ugliness and it just spewed out.  I am not saying that I retract the essence of what I was saying, or the points I was trying to make, for I stand pretty firmly behind everything that I said; but the way that I said it was just alltogether... well, just ugly.  Meanspirited.  I felt like she bit hard, and I bit back.  I think it is ok to be blunt.  I think it is ok to speak plainly.  I think it is important that we firmly stand behind what we believe to be truth.  But I don't believe that it is ok to be vicious while doing it.

I really struggle with the fact that I have experienced the most hurt in my adoption journey, from the moment I walked into Bethany all the way up to now, from a community of people who know and serve the same God I do. Christians who think adoption is very beautiful do not really know how to wrap their brains around a Christian who embraces any other view. They pull out their examples of Moses and Samuel and ALWAYS Jesus in an attempt to say that the Bible is very pro-adoption... all the while discarding the fact that adoption in the Bible looks absolutely nothing like domestic infant adoption in modern day America. There really IS another side to the coin - another way of thinking that does not embrace that skewed view but at the same time is not anti-adoption. I'm certainly not anti-adoption, but I digress... I don't think there is really a label for me, and I'm good with that.



I spent a good bit of time hashing it all out in my mind as I went about my day today, and I thought, "I just need to let go of this and get back to sorting out the thoughts that I have regarding this letter to Ellen's family and what I've been soaking up from people in reunion regarding expectations and preparation."  I crawled into bed and opened up my Bible to spend some time reading.  I wanted to unwind and read something to meditate on as I went to sleep.  But a little fragment of a verse just kept popping into my head.  I knew it was somewhere in Galatians, so I turned there and just started reading a bit.  I found what I was looking for, but also, so much more.  Paul was talking to the church in Galatia about their freedom in Christ and the disagreement they were having with one another about circumcision and the law.  At this point, you are thinking I have lost my marbles and that I am off on a rabbit trail about something unrelated.  But I hope you'll bear with me as I share this with you...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.  The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.  So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious... hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy...  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit... Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."  (Portions from Galatians 5 and 6 - emphasis mine.)

When I am really contemplating a passage, I often like to see what the old-timers had to offer in their wisdom, and tonight Matthew Henry was my choice.  This is what he had to say...

"The gospel is a doctrine according to godliness, (1Ti 6:3), and is so far from giving the least countenance to sin, that it lays us under the strongest obligation to avoid and subdue it. The apostle urges that all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. If Christians, who should help one another, and rejoice one another, quarrel, what can be expected but that the God of love should deny his grace, that the Spirit of love should depart, and the evil spirit, who seeks their destruction, should prevail? Happy would it be, if Christians, instead of biting and devouring one another on account of different opinions, would set themselves against sin in themselves, and in the places where they live." (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible)

Well, there's nothing like having God send a couple of old dead guys from the 1st and 16th centuries to admonish you. :)  Since I'm being honest here, I'll admit that I am not completely all there yet in my heart regarding how I have received some of the comments written to me, but nevertheless, I must let go of them.  Afterall, it was "for freedom that Christ has set me free." (Galatians 5:1) I can't live in the prison of other people's opinons of me or what total strangers have to say. 


So I retire tonight knowing that I have been reproved for my tone and my lack of self-control towards another person for whom Christ died.  It is strange that the realization of that can restore my peace, but that is just one of the many mysteries of God.

Rebekah, if you are reading this by chance, I think we both know that we are going to see things very, very differently when it comes to adoption.  I still stand behind my adoption views, and I'm sure you stand behind yours.  But the next time I disagree with you, if I am tempted to be caustic rather than temperate, I will bite my tongue before I bite you.